That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

My heart aches for your daughter. I would ask if she can concentrate on specific subjects and get those done at school with support during the school day. My DS goes to a school with fabulous pastoral support and they always encourage kids to take time out if it needed.

Can she remain in school for an 1hr a few days in a week and get support from her teachers to complete the work? Her mental health comes first before any academic achievement. I am saying this as a parent who pulled DS out of school after covid when he was in year 5 due to anxiety but he went back in year 7 a new kids with so much confidence in himself and his ability to achieve anything he want. I would also have a chat with her if she needs you to help her with her coursework you can sit with her and guide her.

Sending solidarity to you and your DD.

There are few things I feel merit a visit to talk in person, but this is one.

I’d suggest a phone call today requesting urgent face-to-face with pastoral lead - go as senior as you can short of head-teacher - eg head of upper school.

Use the phrase Trauma Informed Schools - that’s the lever here.

Specifically ask if they have staff trained in TIS and with parental bereavement training.

Meanwhile, massive recommendation for Winston’s Wish, who have a helpline for parents, and rock solid advice for dealing with the unnecessary, avoidable and harmful shit that schools do to add to the burden and trauma of bereaved kids.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sucks, and the school are letting your DD down badly here.

The school are completely wrong in their approach. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything. It's the last thing you or DD need.

The school are probably right to be aiming for her to participate fully in her education again at some point in the near-ish future given that she's in an important exam year BUT they are going entirely the wrong way about it and their priorities are not right. First and foremost, your daughter's health and wellbeing is the priority. They should be supporting this before they even think about exam results. 6 weeks is nothing when you're dealing with a loss like this and the fact that she is actually attending school full-time is an enormous feat for her. Doling out punishments is a wildly inappropriate way of encouraging a bereaved child back into homework and exam prep. I can't honestly believe that any adult, let alone an adult who works with children in a professional capacity, would think this was OK. She needs encouragement and support and she needs time; both additional 1:1 time from staff in school, and time for herself to come to terms with her loss without added pressure. If she doesn't manage a single piece of homework all year, but she manages to attend school and keep her social life and support network going, that is a massive win for her wellbeing. Exam results are not the be all and end all.

It would be great if she was able to do the homework and ace her exams, but not if that comes at the cost of her mental health.

I lost my Dad at 15,after a year of illness,from leukaemia. The school were informed,and were amazing tbh. I was a straight A student normally and my headmaster spoke to me,asking only that I read through my classwork for every subject that I had had that day,at night. If I felt I could do the actual homework,all well and good,but there was no pressure. I went on to achieve 9 0 levels.
The only advice I can give is that,losing your Dad at a young age can cripple a girl for life,especially if they were close. I idolised my Dad,still do,and I grieve for him still to this day,nearly 43 yrs later. Let your daughter lead in this.....if actual homework.is just too much for head and heart to cope with,try to make sure she reads through her days work as a minimum. For the rest of the time,grieve together. Lots of love,hugs and of course,tears. She needs you to be her voice with the school.....her mental health at this time is a million times more important than exams/schoolwork.....that can be done at a later date in the future if need be. School need to cut her huge slack and I would fight for this. They need to realise what your daughter,what you and your whole family,have lost. If they don't realise this,tough luck. What is best for your daughter right now is treating her broken heart with gentleness and love. I am so sorry for your loss,I feel for you all,I really do. Hugs and loves for you all ❤️ xx

So sorry for your loss, no wonder your daughter is struggling.
One of my oldest DS best friends lost his dad at same stage & really struggled mentally, their school was great & he carried on in the year but ended up not taking his exams that year. School offered him option to stay with his own year group & do exams following year (obvs in classes with younger kids) or drop back a year formally. He chose to stay with his year due to having a really great friendship group, has ended up doing a year of catchup for highers (in scotland) at college while rest went onto uni etc but has just joined them all at uni.
Your daughters school should be offering her much more support & definitely go to speak to year head.

No it doesn’t back up what you’ve been saying which is:
”It is only for circumstances arising at the time of the assessment unless something else happens during assessment time”

It says that will not get special consideration for a bereavement occurring more than six months before the assessment unless an anniversary has been reached at the time of the assessment or there are ongoing implications such as an inquest or court case.

So, for example this paragraph states that special consideration is for bereavements that occur up to six months BEFORE the assessment, not only for bereavements at the time of assessment like you are saying. In addition to that, it can be for bereavements more than six months old if there are ongoing implications such as an inquest or court case and as it is ‘includes’ it is not limited to those two other ongoing implications could be family going homeless due to lose of income, serious mental illness due to the bereavement, etc.

Mocks are internal exams and not necessarily in November. Some schools do them in January for example. They are designed to let the school and student know whether they are on track or not, what they know, whether exam technique needs to be addressed. This is digressing.

So sorry for your loss.
Unfortunately it doesn't surprise me.
Not quite the same but 3 days after I gave birth my 7 year old got moved down a set because he did badly in a spelling test.
Obviously we had more interesting things going on that week.
Some teachers are just inflexible.

I am livid on your behalf OP. This is shocking from the school, I would be in the Headmasters office on this one.

I'm not engaging with this any more as it is not helpful for the OP. I take it that you have never been involved in applying for special consideration for a child/children as your interpretations of these regulations is way out and does not align with what happens in practice.

In year 11 mocks are usually done in November because these grades are then used for sixth form applications due over the Christmas/New Year period.

Out of the three schools myself or my dh have been involved with

School 1: Mocks in November and a 2nd set in February
School 2: Mocks in January
School 3: Mocks in January

I have been involved in applying for special consideration for DC. It seems to me that you are not very familiar with the ins and outs of the JCQ guidance at all as it most certainly isn’t a flat “only for things at the time of assessment” as you have unhelpfully insisted. The rules are a bit more complex and flexible than that.

Absolutely no reason for a detention in this case. By all means record the homework not done, but she should not be sanctioned at the moment - and I would include teachers hassling her about missing homework. If they can take the pressure off, then that makes it easier for her to judge for herself which are the more important homeworks when she does have the energy to tackle them. Far better to do the maths because she'd only just got the hang of it in the lesson, than the English because the teacher is the one most likely to give her a hard time.

There's no need to make any decisions yet about GCSE. See how things go. GCSEs are not the crucial thing they're sometimes made out to be. As long as she gets maths and English and whatever she needs for what she wants to do at 16+ (and hopefully 16+ providers may cut her some slack on that), never mind the rest.

All 26 schools in our catchment area for the two sixth form colleges do theirs in November. 🤷🏿‍♀️

Your DD sounds depressed and emotionally exhausted. However, if school could help her with lunch time homework club maybe 1-2 per week would this not actually maybe help her? “Detentions” for not handing in homework in our schools were aimed at getting kids supervised homework at lunch and should be called “focus groups”. I would also strongly suggest dropping some GCSEs if she is doing a lot of them and just really focus on the main ones.
Grief can cause tremendous brain fog and lethargy and actual physical pain. As well as feeling very bleak about the future. She is probably just way too exhausted to do any further work after school.

so sorry for your loss
Watch panorama programme on Why are kids missing school
similar kid there
school v helpful
all the best , bless you
xx

My mother died 3 months before I took my "A" levels (back in the late 70's). I was allowed exactly 1 week off school and the day of the funeral, and the school flatly refused to write in to the exam board asking for any allowances to be taken.

At the same time my father was completely heartbroken and barely functioning, and my brother was only 7 so my older sister & I had to look after him as well. I had been assessed as likely to get C grades in both my 2 science subjects, in the end I got a fail and an "O" level equivalent. In those days everything was exam based with no course work assessment.

So I have complete sympathy for you and your daughter. I would have thought school's attitude to such things had progressed in the last 45 years, but sadly it seems not!

@Araminta1003 The DD is grieving, not depressed. It is different and it is physically exhausting.

That's so sad.

OP's dd is very lucky that OP is able (despite her own grief) to be strong enough to advocate for her dd.

Sadly I've seen this kind of attitude from some teachers before. My dh got quite cross at one of his colleagues because said colleague was more concerned about the fact that a student was going to miss a week of classes rather than the fact her little brother was about to have his life support turned off.

This is awful. As a parent of children who lost their dad whilst I school there were no concessions made at all. It really is appalling when adults can have bereavement leave but children are just expected to get on with it as though nothing has happened.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your poor daughter, school staff should be ashamed of themselves. How can they not know what she has experienced?
Refuse to allow her to attend the detention.
Email school governors ( do they exist in secondary schools ? Not sure)
Contact local homeschooling groups, this might be an option. GCSEs can be taken online for homeschoolers.

I think it’s important to note that grief is not the same as depression and feeling low/ difficulty concentrating/ reduced executive functioning etc are all totally normal 6 weeks after a significant bereavement. Significant impairment of functioning is considered a normal reaction for at least a few months afterwards. The reason that JCQ guidance is for last minute disruption is that anything before that the school is meant to address using accommodations and support. Which it doesn’t sound like they’re doing but you will probably need to push for this as most schools are overstretched and not thinking about the individual students. Have they offered counselling/ mentoring?

I lost my Dad in April and had to take 9 weeks off work, I completely shut down and went into shock. I am 46 though so I cannot even begin to imagine the mental impact on a 16 yo. The school should be doing everything they can to support her, a detention is completely inappropriate in this situation, she is doing well by even being there let alone have the mental capacity to actual concentrate and do some work. I hope you hear from the HOY and I would be having a very stern word that she will not be doing the detention and they need to learn about compassion.

YANBU but chances are it is being done automatically.

Ring then up and ask that she’s not given any homework unless it’s coursework.

Her exams are important but not as important as her health and the school day must be mentally draining for her as it is right now.