Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

225 replies

spiffing · 25/09/2023 09:15

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

OP posts:
Underminer · 25/09/2023 10:10

I agree to take it up with the school. It isn’t fair to be applying their policy in her circumstances as they need to support her social, emotional and mental health (SEMH).

My Dad died when I was in sixth form, and I underperformed. I wish now I had been encouraged to take the year off and drop down a year group. That would’ve allowed me to focus on grieving and not exams.

Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 10:10

Your poor daughter. The school should be accommodating this. As an ex head of year I’ve had similar circumstances with some students and it’s often down to a lack of communication between teachers. They really should be on the ball with this though. Can you contact pastoral? Sorry for your loss. Your DD is doing amazing even by just going in 💐.

Mariposista · 25/09/2023 10:11

RedToothBrush · 25/09/2023 09:44

I would be suggesting that she needs an additional mental health support session rather than a detention if this is out of character for her.

Giving her a detention under these circumstances is only going to add to problems not solve them.

Therefore instead of going into combat negative mode, go in proposing an alternative proactive plan which you are seeking school support for.

This is a sensible option. Or a safe space where she can get some homework done with the support of a kind adult, rather than flounder at home and become overwhelmed with it.
Giving a normally conscientious teenager detention 6 weeks after losing a parent is just crass.

beachstones · 25/09/2023 10:12

That's absolutely appalling of the school.

jazzyfips · 25/09/2023 10:13

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 09:34

I think this is a no win situation for the school. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be heart wrenching for both of you. But if the school treat her differently and cut her some slack over homework in this very important year, will you later be complaining to them when her grades slip and / or she tanks her exams? How long should they cut her some slack? This week, this month, the rest of the year? Are you happy to accept that they stop expecting her to achieve her potential? And I mean those questions seriously. Because horrible though this time is for her and for you, this is her future and her life. No homework for one week might not be a big deal now, but what about the next weeks? And the weeks after that?

I think that the conversation with the school needs to be about how you all work to support her getting the homework done, and hope you achieve that end.

Are you for real?? Clearly never lost a parent at school age with that fucking rubbish. The cognitive effects of grief can be significant and will likely disrupt her education for some time. You are also reinforcing the false notion that school is the be all and end all with regard education and future which it totally isn't.

DorisTheRidgeback · 25/09/2023 10:14

Phone up and tell them that she won’t be going to detention and that they are lucky she is in at all, and if they carry on with this nasty nonsense then she won’t be coming in and you will contact education welfare yourself to tell them how school are damaging her mental health - and tell school that you will be expecting them to pay for a private tutor until she is well again, out of the funding that they have already received for your child.

Do NOT let her attend the detention, and tell school, politely, to get fucked with their demerit points.

Meeting · 25/09/2023 10:15

Honestly I'd be furious with this and would be demanding a meeting with her year head ASAP.

If they're giving punishments then they're clearly not giving her the support she needs and that's seriously not acceptable.

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/09/2023 10:15

This is appalling, grief affects your mind and body immeasurably. I lost my dad when I was 15 and school was really accommodating and supportive. This was nearly 30 years ago.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's sounds like you are an incredibly supportive mother who is doing all the right things.

kittensinthekitchen · 25/09/2023 10:16

There is no way on this planet my child would be accepting a punishment like this in these circumstances.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:17

PinkFrogss · 25/09/2023 09:19

YANBU at all OP, and I’m so so sorry for your loss Flowers

I would talk to her head of year, it’s honestly a miracle she’s still going in. If she was an adult she would most likely be taking time off work, a school child shouldn’t be expected to cope with more than we’d expect of an adult.

I totally agree the school is in the wrong. But most adults are back at work after a few weeks, they are not still off six weeks later.

Blinkingbonkers · 25/09/2023 10:18

Firstly I am truly sorry for you & your dd’s loss💐. Yes, she will be grieving and should be given time and space for doing so however falling behind in her gcse year will not be helpful. I say this as someone who lost a parent at a pivotal academic year in life - I gave up and school felt it best to leave me to it….I totally flunked and it is one of my biggest regrets. I totally wish school had seen fit to try and help me see that I needed to keep going. She needs to know that, as difficult as it is, life goes on. Speak to school and your dd, ask them to tread more carefully and her to keep doing her best.

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:19

OP I am so sorry to hear this. My school was like forty years ago when my best friend's dad died, but I honestly thought things had moved on. You need to kick up a fuss about this. They are being awful.

DorisTheRidgeback · 25/09/2023 10:19

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:17

I totally agree the school is in the wrong. But most adults are back at work after a few weeks, they are not still off six weeks later.

Show quote history

And are they receiving workplace “punishments” if their output has decreased?

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/09/2023 10:20

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 09:34

I think this is a no win situation for the school. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be heart wrenching for both of you. But if the school treat her differently and cut her some slack over homework in this very important year, will you later be complaining to them when her grades slip and / or she tanks her exams? How long should they cut her some slack? This week, this month, the rest of the year? Are you happy to accept that they stop expecting her to achieve her potential? And I mean those questions seriously. Because horrible though this time is for her and for you, this is her future and her life. No homework for one week might not be a big deal now, but what about the next weeks? And the weeks after that?

I think that the conversation with the school needs to be about how you all work to support her getting the homework done, and hope you achieve that end.

Wow you're cold......and a bit accusatory.

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:20

@DorisTheRidgeback Yes they are.
I think British society behaves terribly to the bereaved.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/09/2023 10:21

They can put in writing any agreement with parents to cover themselves, if necessary. There needs to be a face to face meeting to discuss this, imo.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/09/2023 10:22

The meeting should involve your daughter.

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:23

@Ascendant15 Have you lost anyone close to you? Do you have any understanding at all of bereavement?
Both the OP and her DD will be having a really shit time at the moment. Piling on extra pressure is more likely to make the DD drop out altogether. The DD needs support and grieving is physically exhausting. So I am not surprised she needs to rest after getting home from school.

Tryingmybestadhd · 25/09/2023 10:24

You are her parent , I know you are going through a lot yourself but you really need to report this above the head . This so 100% unacceptable. The school should be offering help not making her life even harder

Comefromaway · 25/09/2023 10:24

TrailingLoellia · 25/09/2023 09:46

If she doesn’t take the year off, the school at the very least need to do an extenuating circumstances letter to the GCSE exam board so that they can adjust her grades accordingly.

Unfortunately there is no such thing for this situation. It would only be taken into consideration if the bereavment had occurred just before or duing the actual exam period.

takealettermsjones · 25/09/2023 10:25

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your daughter's. I lost my dad earlier this year and I am a lot older than your daughter and it's still affecting me. They are punishing her for grieving.

I think I would have a meeting with the HT/head of year and lay it out in no uncertain terms that you are doing everything you can to just keep her working and pushing until the exams are done, and they are actively sabotaging those efforts. Insist that they help you come up with a proper plan to get her through, not this oversimplistic "do your homework or else" bullshit.

Comefromaway · 25/09/2023 10:25

My sincere condolences to you and your dd. My dh used to work in a school and this is really not acceptable.

Musicaltheatremum · 25/09/2023 10:27

Your poor child. My husband died when my kids were 18 and 16. Son was 8 weeks from highers in year 5 in Scottish senior school. He actually dropped from 5 to 4 highers and did manage AAAB in the end which was fantastic.
We also discussed going back a year but he wanted to stay with his friends and ultimately this was the thing that kept him going.

My children are 28 and 30 now but it's been tough as their dad missed all the successes along the way.

I still have my dad and I'm 60 and feel very blessed. It's really hard losing your dad at that age. The school should be helping her and making allowances.

I wasn't even back at work at 6 weeks but went back the day on my son's first exam by way of morale support

x2boys · 25/09/2023 10:27

Comefromaway · 25/09/2023 10:24

Unfortunately there is no such thing for this situation. It would only be taken into consideration if the bereavment had occurred just before or duing the actual exam period.

Show quote history

My son was in intensive care in February his exams started in May his school.applied for consideration which he got its only a few marks though.

Tryingmybestadhd · 25/09/2023 10:28

callingeveryone · 25/09/2023 10:17

I totally agree the school is in the wrong. But most adults are back at work after a few weeks, they are not still off six weeks later.

Show quote history

A child is not an adult and most adults are back because w they don’t get paid longer .Someone in my team lots her husband a few months ago and me and Har agreed we should extend her leave with full pay . She took 3 months , 3 months she had to settle her children , rest , take care of financial stuff and learn to a new life reality . Asking for a child to be back to normal in 6 weeks is ridiculous