That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

Me too. Big hug for both you and your daughter.

This is the problem with treating people like machines. What on earth is going through those teachers’ heads when they give out a demerit in this situation?

OP, my daughter lost her dad last year when she was 15, right in the middle of her GCSE exams.
The school can and should be providing much more support for your DD. There is no excuse for punitive action towards her either.
Definitely demand a face to face meeting if you are up to it (also remember you need and deserve their support in helping your DD), but if you aren't, then a strong email should remind them of their responsibilities here.

Like your dd, I was 15 and in the middle of my GCSEs when my dad died from cancer too.

Giving your dd an extension so she has longer to do her work would be appropriate. Letting her not do it altogether would not be doing her any favours. She still needs the best grades she can possible get because it will affect her future and telling her she doesn’t have to work because of her loss is not going to benefit her long term.

Don't make big decisions yet OP about pulling her out. Six weeks as you know is still very soon after a bereavement.

Where does everyone work that they can jist take weeks off on full pay?

My mother is terminally ill and I've been advised by everyone who's been through it and also by professionals to keep going with normal life as it will be harder to pick up the pieces if I give up on everything.

In reality, this is probably just a computer/automated detention that the school can easily cancel if you contact them.

@Goodornot I am sorry to hear you are going through this, it is tough.
In reality most people get two weeks full pay off compassionate leave, that is it, some less. Anything else usually has to be either unpaid carers leave or sick pay.

Have you had a look at charities that support? Don’t know if they are regional but my kid was helped by Daisys Dream and Winstons Wish.
cruse bereavement also have a children’s section
I think you might have to be 16 but Talking Therapies is available on NHS and I believe you can self refer online

I'm so sorry. Your poor DD. I fucking hate this sort of thing. Kind of exemplifies why I chose not to send mine to school.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your DD too is still at such a tender age to be dealing with this.

I think it sounds like a total failure of school here to pass on the information to their own staff, possibly coupled with a failure of staff members to actually read what they are sent and act upon it. My own experience of secondary schools with my three DDs has always led me to believe that their internal communication systems can leave rather a lot to be desired.

Take it up with the Head of Year, your DD's form tutor and any of the pastoral team you can engage with. They certainly should not be issuing detentions or any other form of punishment to a child who is still in the very early stages of grief following the death of a beloved parent. I would want that and the demerits to be cancelled as a minimum and if they wouldn't engage with that I would be making it clear that DD would not be attending any detentions.

I would also want to see a much more robust system put in place for supporting DD. I'd point out that actually being in school at all at the moment is a very big psychological step for her, and how proud you are that she has actually been doing that. Say that their actions can only be detrimental to this if they forge ahead regardless. Ram home how exhausting she is finding it just to cope with her devastation and with full time school at the moment. She cannot currently manage the extras on top, such as much in the way of homework as she is not in the right place for that.

Ask them what the options are from their point of view when dealing with such situations and consider what might be suitable for your DD. If possible ask them to send for DD so that she can have some input into the discussion.

Get everything in writing and then check regularly that they are actually following the plan (most will, but there can always be the odd twat who doesn't bother to read their messages).

I'm so sorry that you and DD are going through this. I am 57 now and only lost my Dad two and a half years ago. I still get very sad now, so god knows how your DD must be feeling. Hats off to her, and to you too.

The public sector generally has excellent benefits and will pay many weeks of sick/compassionate leave on full pay. Ditto for higher education. Ditto for many private sector organisations. Ditto for an increasing number of charities.

I wouldn't want to work anywhere that didn't. SSP is an absolute joke.

OP this made me cry. So sorry. It’s not good enough.

Love from a fellow widowed parent x

Very sorry for your loss. My father died when I was 12 and my mother when I was 13, both from forms of cancer. In mine and my younger sibling's case carrying on with routine - school, schoolwork and so on was the best course. Detention does seem harsh, but the school will have your daughter's best interests at heart, especially during GCSE year - it wouldn't be doing her any favours to let her drift into a malaise of inactivity. While you never really "get over" the early loss of a parent, it's worth considering whether a proper school routine will help as a coping mechanism.

Very tough for your poor DD and I'm sorry for your loss. A friend of mine DD lost his dad in the February before he took his A levels. Unsurprisingly he didn't get very good grades. What did surprise me was that the examination boards refused to accept his father's recent death as mitigating circumstances because "it happened 3 months before the exams". As if a child is supposed to get over their parent's death in 3 months. Absolutely brutal.

I can see yhis from.yiur child's point of view and I am also a teacher. I think.trying to push through things and carry on as 'normal' works for some and not others. You are grieving too. Yiur daughter may not want to say certain things to u that she might say to a counsellor. I.lost my dad at 17, went to school and said nothing to anyone- ridiculous I know. The school I teach in now eoukd definitely cut someone some slack. There must be a way that the demits can be overridden so a detention is suppressed or removed. Perhaps an arrangement could be made where she does hwk in a select few subjects. I would tell tge school that this is something that could make your daughter a school refuser. I would look I to bereavement service for her ( u may benefit from.this too).

@Thurlarder When I was in the public sector I got two weeks paid compassionate leave when my dad died. I was told anything else would have to be sick leave.

There is a massive difference between carrying on with routine eg going to school, taking part in classes and seeing friends and with what OP's dd is expected to do such as homework that is just too much as she is exhausted with it all when she gets home and putting her in detention tat takes her away from her support network of friends.

oh OP I'm so so sorry.

You're in the same place I was 2 years ago.🌻

My son's father died 4 days after he had started back at school. in Year 11. Sadly it was not unexpected as he also had terminal Cancer.

I don't feel like your DD's School is really onboard with what has happened to her. I'd put money on the fact some of the teachers are unaware or have overlooked this. Schools are big machines and things slip through the cracks.

As p posters have said you need to be in touch with the school. I'd start with the Head of Year.

I know you don't feel like it but ask for a meeting. This is one of the moments when you have to go into Get this Done Mode. Speak to them. If my experience is anything to go by they WILL try to help. They bent over backwards for my son and arranged counselling for him on site among other things.

If they don't it's a whole different story but don't think about that yet.

Your DD should NOT be doing any detentions for starters but there is the wider picture of how they could support her here. And they need to.

Her life has been turned UPSIDE DOWN. She is grieving . One thing I know now is that there is NO one path . Everyone is different. And most of all it takes time.

Maybe this year will be a write off. Who knows ? But life is a marathon and not a sprint. And there are plenty of years left to take exams. Take it gently. It will work out .

And OP be gentle with yourself.

Oh gosh bless you both. It's a hard one getting the balance right for yous atm

I am a university lecturer and I disagree with this profoundly.

If I was in your situation I would be demanding a meeting with the head and making it clear that my daughter would not be doing that detention. I lost my mother part way through my degree course. I got extensions and much support. Expecting her to function normally after 6 weeks is quite frankly ridiculous.

And I am so very sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for all of you. In your shoes l would definitely speak to the school. We all know that GCSE year is a big year but I am wondering if there would be a possibility of reducing the number of subjects that your DD is taking. Maths and English are the important ones, of course, but perhaps the additional subjects could be ones that she chooses herself as her favourites and the ones she can cope with for the time being. You sound like a wonderful mum, especially as you are having to deal with your own grief too. 💐

The school should not be sanctioning her like this for lack of homework. That shows a tone deaf approach to bereavement and an unpleasant rigidity.
A good school would encourage her to access as much of the curriculum as is realistic, try to remove as much stress as possible while offering access to the routines and "diversions" that help us cope with great loss.
Yes, it's likely that her grades will be affected - again the school can mediate this with the exam boards. It's a hard lesson to learn that life carries on for everyone else while your own feels shattered by loss. A good school would ensure that your DD has identified support to help her navigate the complexities of her loss alongside realistically coping with the demands of her GCSEs.

Sorry to read of your husband's death and I hope you can find something in memories of the time you had with him.

Wait for the reply and be prepared to follow up if there is no suitable and sensible one.