That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

Giving detention is absolutely disgusting conduct by the school. They should understand her situation and should have contacted you instead to discuss.

Absolutely DO NOT let her do that dentention.

Yes definitely have a strong word with the school. Maybe it will come down a temporary prioritisation of homework for subjects she needs (maths and english), or any subjects she wishes to continue to A level.

Does she have any access to extra support such as grief counselling? And where is the school’s pastoral support in all this??

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.
The school are behaving in an unimaginably unkind manner.
I think I would make an appointment to meet the Head & not take ‘No’ for an answer if the Receptionist tries to put you off. Refuse to say why you want the meeting also.
At the meeting I would explain exactly what has happened/is happening. This will be difficult & emotional for you. Sending a hand hold.
There is no way on Earth I would allow my DD to work the detention. That must be made clear at the meeting.
Six weeks is not even a drop in the ocean following the loss of her DF. If this school won’t support her, then certainly reconsider the options, possibly home study. As other posters have said, the exams can always be taken at College.
What happens now to your DD will affect her as she becomes an Adult. It could harm her mental health in later years.
The school needs to show some compassion & not behave like some Dickensian Institution.

So sorry for your and your daughters loss, op.
I might be a bit naive to the system as mine aren't at that age yet. I wonder if it would be worth suggesting she drops a few subjects, aiming for 5 or 6 gcse's needed for college, and use the lesson time of the dropped subjects to go to the library or sit with some support to do her homework/coursework for the remaining subjects? x

I would suggest looking at cutting down on the number of GCSEs she is taking. Just do Maths, English and a couple relevant to what ever are wants to do next. Staying at the same school in the same year will give her time with her friends and she could use the freed up time with no lessons to get homework done in school.
she would then be able to have time for herself in the evenings. she or the school can include a covering letter with any applications to 6th form, college or uni.

I wish you both all the very best,

I'm really sorry for your loss and sorry you're having to deal with this on top of it.

I don't have many specific ideas, but just to say my DD went through something somewhat similar (though much less acute) when her grandfather passed away at the end of year 6. Obviously a father is a much harder thing to come to terms with so I don't want to draw any direct comparisons here, losing a parent is several leagues of magnitude worse.

But I was also pretty shocked at how poorly her school dealt with this: she spent a lot of year 7 feeling pretty upset about this and having to leave lessons early etc when things triggered her. School were not great about it and I got some quite snippy emails from the head of pastoral care saying basically that enough time had passed and she just needed to get over it. They seemed to feel that because a year had elapsed it wasn't really reasonable for her still to be upset, as if you can put a deadline on these things. I'm not a professional and even I know that grief is not a linear thing which just runs out after a pre-specified period.

I ended up going in to speak to the head of pastoral and impressing a lot of the context on her (I'm a single parent, this came at the tail end of the COVID lockdowns, it was a new school, DD has anxiety anyway). I think the background and the fact I'd gone in helped them take it more seriously.

But I do think, in the light of the focus that is given to MH support for young people, no school should be handing out detentions or demerits or whatever to recently bereaved kids. It's brutal and there's no logical justification for it.

I do think there's some merit to trying to keep in school if you can: understandable to think about this but I think losing a whole year is probably counterproductive due to the big social impact this will have so I would avoid taking her out for a year.

I think you just need to keep on at the head of pastoral.

I am very sorry for your loss

absolutely insist on a meeting with the school. The best outcome may be to drop some subjects which should be allowed in this situation. Or possibly take the whole year off but of course that creates additional problems as getting out of the house and seeing her friends and being in a routine will be of some benefit to her while she navigate through this.

This is disgraceful behaviour by the school, I would be demanding an urgent meeting with the Head and refusing your DD does the detention.

The school should be helping to support your DD through her grief, not adding more pressure at this extremely difficult time.

I’d go into the school and discuss. We are all different in the way we cope with grief, but I found that routine, distraction, and my friends were a great help to me when my dad died; home was a quieter, emptier place to be, and I was glad to be away from it.

I think saying get over it is very insensitive and totally inappropriate.

I do think there comes a point where you need to get on with it which is a totally different thing and will vary from person to person.

Exactly this ⬆️

Expectations for kids to cope, get into school, learn and behave at a time when adults would be on the sick , and work would not be allowed to contact them, never mind harras them is ridiculous.
I now tell the school that if staff were dealing with what some of our kids do they'd be on long term sick and you're punishing them for struggling.

Sorry for your loss and for what is happening with iour daughter xx

It makes me mad that we understand adults, with adult knowledge /understanding might struggle but when the same is for kids we except them, without the understanding, knowledge, mature brain , to simply cope!!

You need to tell the school what you and your daughter need going forward. You shouldn’t have to and they shouldn’t be sticking her with detention - I think that is terrible of them. I understand the need for consistency, structure and routine which they may well argue however you clearly do too by getting her to school each day which is completely exhausting her emotionally. She needs support, not punishment.

I am so sorry for your and your family’s loss

My father died at this age. Well a few days before I sat my O levels. Also after a short period of illness.

I am so sorry for your loss. I normally agree with a softly softly response with schools. But this is beyond the pale.

I would write a short and robust email to the HOY with an eye catching title, such as “Bereaved daughter, support required from school”. Tell them your dd will not be attending this or any other detention and ask what measures they 1) intend to put in place ongoing to support your dd and 2) to ensure this situation does not reoccur as she is not coping with homework stm. Follow it up if you haven’t received a response within 48 hours.

i would phone up op incase it was an automatic thing

i didnt know what i was doing 6 weeks after my dm died and im an adult

sorry for your loss

Bloody hell, OP. Where is the school’s compassion? What a bunch of bastards. Your daughter is a warrior for even going to school so soon after losing her beloved father. I would pull her out and give her the time she needs to grieve such a momentous loss

@Iwasafool

I think saying get over it is very insensitive and totally inappropriate.

I do think there comes a point where you need to get on with it which is a totally different thing and will vary from person to person.

I totally agree with this actually. Helping someone evolve from the full throes of grief into something more like coping is really critical and there comes a point where indulging it constantly makes someone remain "stuck" in a grief pattern. I do think some semblance of normality is important and I do think social contact is important so I think taking a whole academic year out would be overkill. Even skipping GCSEs I would question because its just normalising the idea of being in a grief pattern which I don't think helps anyone move on.

But I do think continued compassion, making certain adjustments (as long as behaviour is good) and vigilance are absolutely basic requirements for schools. And I certainly think petty and punitive disciplinary measures like "demerits" are a terrible idea.

.

Thank you so very much everyone for your replies, and kind messages. There is a lot of great advice on here and I'm most grateful, as I'm finding it very hard to think straight at the moment.

I had a quick email back from the head of year apologising and saying absolutely DD won't be doing a detention, and that she's going to call me this afternoon, so maybe it was right that it is an automated system as some of you suggested, or that the message did to get sent to her teachers. I'm hoping we can put some support into place and maybe look at some shorter days and dropping a couple of subjects.

My daughter has some lovely friends at school, and does really thrive on routine so it's definitely best for her that she carries on there. Plus I'm self employed and am already back to working full time- (no choice)! So I wouldn't be home at school time much anyway. Thanks too for the ideas for support- I'm going to look at Winstons wish and some other charities.

Thanks again everyone 💓

Make sure the subject teachers actually know what's going on. Speak with each of them individually if need be.

I had a pupil transferred into my group a few years back because his teacher couldn't manage him. He was known for his behaviour issues, but he and I always got on quite well so he did better in my class. One Monday when he came in, I asked how his weekend was and he told me "Mum went into hospital and she died."

The poor love had been trying to cope with his mother's terminal cancer for nearly eighteen months. Admin knew all about it. Did they ever breathe a word about it to me? No. When I confronted the head about it, she told me that life was difficult snd he'd just have to manage so they didn't see any point in letting me know. They deprived that sweet boy of a potential source of support and care throughout all of that, and if he hadn't told me himself I doubt I'd ever have known.

It takes a lot to shock me, but that did.

Best wishes. Glad there are options to have less pressure and the school is removing the ridiculously unfair punishment. Is there any option to do something therapeutic one day a week - e.g. a qualification with animals, if that is an interest area.

Frankly outrageous on the part of the school. 6 weeks is no time at all, in any bereaved situation but especially so for a child.

My daughter suffers with anxiety and had difficulty attending school. They were superb and allowed her to work from home two days a week.

Punishing your child for grieving is appalling.

They've probably forgotten, but yes it is rubbish of them. Email the head of year.

So very sorry to read your post. My kids were 20 and 22 when their Dad died unexpectedly in 2016 - my daughter is still having bereavement counselling. It's life changing, I do hope the school understand the deep shock your DD is experiencing at this tragedy. Take care and do remember to be kind to yourself x

I have always felt that despite all the ‘take care of mental health’ that people/companies etc promote it’s all posturing bullshit and if your mental health interferes with someone else’s agenda generally they couldn’t give a shit.

This proves that.

I would kick off and if the school has any promotion or mental health and support of students I’d quote that and you could say if not given support in line with how they claim they do you’ll raise this with the governors.

PS very sorry for your loss.

I was friends with a girl in my first year at university whose mum died while she was there.

She was a complete mess for months and months and soles most of her exams. Uni trotted out the same line about it being more than 3 months ago so there’s no mitigating circumstances. Its ridiculous