Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

My child was told from first lesson you sign up for 10 lessons (eg) you go to those 10, you don't have to do more but you honour those 10 so we do that

If she is constantly doing this I would not sign her up again till she is older

YY to either commiting to an activity for a period or not going at all.

Beyond that give her more responsibility, something like regular chores. Ignore the moaning and praise her when she's done them well.Sometomes lack of confidence can mascarade as laziness and an unwillingness to persevere. And stop rescuing her with buttons etc, coach and support her (verbally) but don't swoop in.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think you’re teaching her an important lesson. My mother was a quitter who also let me quit at the first hurdle and it was hard for me to learn that it’s ok not to be great at everything straight away and that perseverance will get you far. She might hate you in the short term but she will thank you in the long term.

She has to go for the term you've paid for. end of. It was her request to do it.

You are the adult in this relationship

Stop facilitating her to give up

Maybe look into growth mindset for an insight into her approach and how to help her.

As another poster, mine had to commit to what we had paid for - 'we paid, you go'.

At the end of the half term/term they could then quit- often by then they had got over the concern/got better at the club or had enough information to decide.

It's the same with parties/events - if you commit to it, you go.

And I'm quite soft on some things.

When she pesters you to do her button for her, you or DH do it in the end don't you? That's why she's the way she is. That is spoiling her, it's not about material things. It's about giving in to pestering and whining.

YABU for letting her quit. I also made mine stick it out for at least the term. I also let them choose their activities (apart from swimming which is non negotiable). Don’t teach her that she can drop things once they get difficult.

I'm afraid I'm with everyone else on this.

She's like it because she's learnt to be like it.

Labelling her lazy and losing your rag isn't addressing whatever the issue is.

Somehow she hasn't learned two things; commitment and the value of hard work. They don't know those magically, they have to be taught.

Two things helped my DD, who has ADHD so an even harder sell! One was saving up for a pet. She learned that sticking with something gets her a goal she really cares about. The other was piano. We had to coax and encourage and work on motivating her. Now, years later, she sees how hard work and commitment made her really good at something.

I'd sit down and have a chat about why she thought it was hard, how long it might take to get better at it, what the point of sticking with it is, how you feel about spending money and her bailing, what you want her her in her life. Use humour and a matter-of-fact tone. Phrases like, "no one is good after one session". Tell her about 10,000 hours theory. Ultimately, just say she has to stick with it for x amount of sessions. After than she can quit if she wants.

The next thing she mithers for, she can use her Christmas money for. Not in a mean way, just to teach her value.

Agree if she’s signs up she commits for 6 sessions or whatever. It sometimes takes a few weeks to know if you like something and it’s not fair on leaders/other children just to leave.
Could there be something like dyspraxia going on?

Does she work hard enough at school? If so, in my opinion she isn't lazy, and I wouldn't stress at her about the clubs. School is a lot for some kids and they just need to rest and chill out in the evenings/weekends. That is fine and won't do her any harm.

Regarding being a bit useless with simple stuff like buttons etc, try giving her more responsibility and praising her when she does well. I taught my daughter to cook at around that age due to the same things you talk about - i felt she could be a bit useless and not try much with basic tasks like opening a bottle or something - and now at 11 she can do a decent two course meal mostly independently. She also helps with household chores - at the weekend she did a great job of re-packing meat to go in the freezer for example - did it more carefully than I would have! She tries hard at things like this because she knows my partner and I appreciate it and admire her for it.

And don't be too hard on yourself for showing your frustration - you are only human! It's frustrating when somebody is like this.

Agree with all others and we have the same rule in our house, you complete what's been paid for.

I also recently saw on a parenting insta that if your child wants to quit an activity because the session was hard or they weren't good at it, agree with them that sometimes things are hard and if they really want to quit they can only quit on a good day. So on a day where they have had a great time, have performed well, have enjoyed the session.....if they still want to quit, then it's okay and you won't renew their subscription to the activity.

(Of course this only applies if you think they are just being lazy or disheartened, rather than actually genuinely hating the activity)!!

Sounds like a lack of confidence.

I used to be like that - I'm actually annoyed now as an adult that my Mum never made me stick at anything. I think now though, she didnt want to take me anywhere for a club in an evening/weekend. She'd let me join but if I said, I don't like it - she would immediately say - oh that's ok then you don't need to go back.

I absolutely loved horse riding. Then we had this new teacher who was awful. I told my Mum I was scared of her and my Mum immediately said - oh that's ok we won't go then. It was on a Wednesday night at 6pm. So that was that - no more horse riding for me. Looking back I think why didnt she complain about the teacher or find another school - I LOVED IT.

But other clubs I gave up on because I just wasn't good at it - immediately - or I felt left out and didn't make a friend.

So I think you do as someone else suggested 10 lessons, then decide.

When she eg asks you to undo a button and bothers you repeatedly about it - what do you do in response?
Do you make sure she knows how to do it, with encouragement that yes she can do it and then continuously refuse to help?
Or does she know that ultimately you will give in and do it?

Is there a possibility she is genuinely not enjoying these clubs? If so, I don’t think there’s any use in forcing her to go.

My mum recently signed up to a dance class that ran for 6 weeks. She attended the first one and hated it. The club actually gave her the credit to then try something else at the same venue. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to try something and not enjoy it. Maybe next time, make it really clear to your DD that you are being made to pay for a whole course and a taster session is not available, so if she wants to try it, she needs to attend all sessions.

I drum into mine that everything is hard when you first start and if you don’t practice it won’t get easier.

9 year old sorry the 9 year old doesn't act like this unless facilitated by poor parenting and learnt this behaviour

She's 9, you laugh and say don't be ridiculous darling, I've paid for the classes now so you have to go 🤷‍♀️

Why do you allow her to quit?!

I quit clubs & hobbies as a child and my mum still likes to let everyone know how annoying it was for her, particularly after paying for equipment, uniforms, etc.

Now as a mum I look back and think why did she let me quit? There’s no life lesson there and she was the adult!

My family are quite flakey and honestly quit anything at the first sign of slight difficulty - jobs, relationships, everything. whereas despite me quitting hobbies as a child I’ve turned out very driven and don’t give anything up easily. This behaviour from my parents and siblings frustrates me

if I was in your situation OP I would put my foot down. Make her stick it out for whatever the term is at least.

You need to make an agreement before you start an activity IME.

It was easy with my eldest two - but they never wanted to give anything up!! Youngest was made of different stuff and didn't really want to stick at anything but I persevered. They didn't really engage though tbh and I spent a lot of money on fees to 'achieve' grade 2 piano and guitar!!

I wanted to ensure that all three had access to the same opportunities. Elder two each had 3 school trips (study related). Youngest never wanted to go, and then Covid!

if you give up, sometimes you never know how close you could be to succeeding,

sometimes if all it takes is a bit of effort, then rally the troops so to speak, 2nd place is for those that give up, winners take the prize.

Tell her she does a,term if you paid
Dd did lots different clubs hobbies music etc etc then dropped...frustrating...but then she did find and commit to one she really liked.

Why are you even having a discussion with her about this? It's not optional if she's signed up to a term.

I tell my kids that the things I did when I was younger that took me out of my comfort zone turned out to be the best experiences of my life.

It's made them stop and think about the often quick judgements they make about activities that are usually wrong. They learn to enjoy things that they didn't think they would.

Don't allow her to give up.