Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

My first thought was also dyspraxia. The suggestions of ADHD and Autism ect also sound plausible.
Have you ever considered neurodivergence? Maybe you should look into it, then you can learn how to meet her needs instead of dismissing her as lazy and spoilt.
Hopefully some of the advice on neurodivergence has given you food for thought?

Your DD sounds like she lacks confidence OP . Someone else mentioned a Growth mindset , this was a big thing in my kids schools - not sure if it’s universal . I think it’s a mix of needing encouragement and confidence building to keep going , and her understanding that she has to complete the paid for lessons . Do you need to explain that new things are hard and anxiety inducing , for you as well as her . My youngest was gob smacked when I told him I got anxious too!

Bit more concerned about the not doing up the button - does she find other things like laces or writing hard ? If so maybe one to have a chat with school about ?

Could she have ADHD/neurodivergence? I was very like this as a child. With ADHD it’s harder to focus on the activity and see the long term reward.

Hmm " she’s not spoilt or entitled". Really? "Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it". Presuming she has no disabilities, the fact that you get to to the point of LETTING her complain about this sort of thing is showing how spoilt and entitled she really is. If my 10 year old complained seriously about having to get himself dressed I'd laugh at him and shut the whinging down in seconds.

One of my kids was like this for ages. We did the coaching them through it, giving them more responsibility, making them go for the first 10 sessions/term/whatever type things suggested by DisquietintheRanks. It did seem to be a confidence thing/frustration thing rather than a lazy thing.

It took years, but they’re 14 now and they’ really seem to be leaning in to things now. Persevere. Stay firm, supportive and encouraging. Try not to let the frustration get the better of you. Kids need some time to develop.

I just joined to comment after sometime as a reader.

You mentioned her struggling to do up her buttons and struggling to stick to activities after months of seemingly looking forward to them. This struck a chord with me as they are the same things my sister expressed (massive) frustration about with my nephew - which she put down to being lazy.

In this last 12 months he has finally had a proper diagnosis for dyspraxia. He also managed to keep well to learning to swim (as I showed him a article I came across online about the benefits of swimming for those with dyspraxia). Swimming is absolutely spectacular for improving fine and gross motor co-ordination and he has come on in leaps and bounds this past 6 months or so. It's a serious challenge as overlearning the moves is needed which has required some serious effort 2-3 times a week.

And secondly, what has helped massively for him has been my very rudimentary understanding of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. He seems to be predisposed to some poor thinking styles which just don't help him to perservere when needed. Using CBT I've been steadily working on changing these to being more positive and now he says without prompting 'perhaps it's not as black and white as they don't like me - maybe they think they can only be seen with the cool kids' or 'maybe I'll never be a pro swimmer / craft artist / musical theatre star, but I enjoy it'

All the best,

It sounds like she is day-dreaming or idealising what the activity or sport will entail. Then the actual reality is quite different because difficult feelings arise.
She's avoiding her own uncomfortable feelings. It's a pattern really.

Do you ever do 'tough' things as a family? Do you ever go on walks at the weekends or anything like that?
She needs encouragement to continue when things are hard.
Explain to her that sometimes we don't enjoy things straightaway.

That sometimes we feel difficult feelings the first time we do something.
But that doesn't mean that it doesn't get nice after that.

Use the example of swimming in the sea.
At first it's cold and hard to 'get down'. But as soon as you get used to it, you forget about the coldness and start enjoying yourself playing in the water.
But there is a 'hurty' part where it feels cold and horrible, and you might even feel a bit shocked and uncertain when you first get into the sea - but you are prepared to give it a chance. Ask her if she could think of that when she is starting new things.

Do they see you or your DH going to sports or activities?

I actually had very little perseverance as a child and teen (coming from 2 crazy hardworking parents).

As an adult, I realised what helps a ton is setting VERY manageable goals. Just get to the next level. Plus chances are I will persist even more after that, but I don't make that an expectation beforehand.

Let her decide on some tiny goals for herself (and possibly even rewards she'll give herself – I know there's the whole intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation thing but I always find small rewards initially helpful).

So for example - attending lessons: you don't have to attend forever or the next 20 lessons, but attend the next 3. Then you can quit. Doing up buttons - you don't have to succeed or try for hours, but try for at least a minute (surprisingly long time). Going for a run - don't have to run a half hour marathon, you can do just 10 mins, or even 5 mins or even 3 min sprint!

Start ridiculously small and build up. The feeling of achieving goals she sets for herself will propel her forward. Beware of setting the bar way too high like my mother always did (while falsely claiming she only wanted us to try a little bit etc)!

Ffs. Some utter idiots on this site!

Seriously?

Methinks it's more likely to be the other way around anyway!!

Sometimes a lack of confidence can mascarade as laziness and an unwillingness to persevere. And stop rescuing her with buttons etc, coach and support her (verbally) but don't swoop in

This. My two are both like. They are quite anxious, sensitive personalities. They have to go for a set period to an activity they have asked for. They can quit then.

On other things you do need to supportively encourage her to do things for herself. Mine don’t respond well to a harsh approach as that just compounds their feelings of being a bit crap. But firmly, but positively, encouraging/ expecting them to do things for themselves does work. It’s bloody time consuming though.

Did you force her into these activities? my mum did this with brownies, she just told me I was going and screamed at me when I said I didn’t want to

I was similar as a child with activities. It was all severe anxiety but I wasn’t able to understand or communicate that, so I was just labelled as difficult.
There’s always a reason behind behaviour in children, always.

Think there is more to this than meets the eye. Seriously chill, stop accusing,take the lazy label away and review the situation bit by bit, motivational and confidence issues
here ? She is 9.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I was exactly like your daughter at her age and never committed to anything or followed anything through. I’m now an adult that doesn’t have a team sport she can play, doesn’t speak any languages and can’t play any instruments. I wish my parents had given me a good talking to and had made me commit to the things I started!

I’ve got one who was a bit like that, we had to teach her that there were consequences to those decisions. If she didn’t want to go again and I had already paid, then that money needed to be worked off in chores, handing her phone back to me for a month or by missing out on a present for birthday or Christmas. And then you stick to it! She won’t learn unless there is a consequence.

She may have a 'closed mindset' instead of a growth one which does make things harder for her.

She may assume everyone else at the club was naturally born able to do the stuff they're doing and doesn't understand that it's taken them lots of practice.

A really good way to help her learn that practice makes things easier is with a musical instrument. Lessons on her own so she's not comparing herself with others and then she might see that repetition and practice take you from place A to place B. But make sure the tutor gives small easily achievable steps to practice each week.

In group clubs she probably feels heartbroken to see everyone is much "better" than she is and keeps trying something new because she is looking for "that thing" that she's magically good at.

Work on the growth mindset - its easier now than later... Good luck.

She sounds anxious. I'm the same as her. I looked forward so much to an open evening at the WI, got more and more wound up as the evening approached. Forced myself to go, spent the evening telling myself that I should join and it would get easier, then never went back. How is she in big groups of children, generally? I always preferred to be with one friend. Perhaps she's like that. And the button thing? perhaps she's a little immature, and she'll grow out of that.

I was like your daughter. Got diagnosed with ADHD in my thirties. The idea of something becomes all I can think about and I cannot rest until i have it. Then, majority of the time, I decide it's not for me and the novelty fades like a switch.

But you can't go wasting your money, are there opportunities to do tasters, or pay for one session? That way she'll have a better idea of if she actually likes it.

As an adult it's still something I'm learning to manage. I obsess about a product I want and watch videos about it and read on it obsessivley until I have it. I'm experiencing a better balance now with things that I end up giving up entirely (hello, knitting equipment!) and things I end up sticking with. Actually I'm hoping the change in seasons makes me pick up the knitting needles again, and all that bloody wool I bought!

My DS would do nothing except for school unless I made him. When he tells me that he wants to quit the sports club he's in (martial arts) I always tell him that the deal is that he can quit when he's got his black belt. No other negotiation. Sometimes when he's huffing and puffing about going to a training session (incidentally this is happening right now) I say you can go to your club or come for a jog with me. He always chooses the club so it can't be that traumatic.

Yep this was me as a kid. I was fine up until about 7/8 and then after that, I had a lot of anxiety about looking stupid by trying something new and not being good at it straight away. I was very competitive with my brother who was great at everything he tried and did lots of clubs so that didnt help. I did stick things out for a good few weeks in most cases, but I still remember the anxiety I used to get in the days leading up to classes and didnt know how to express myself.

A lot of the stuff that I was 'lazy' about growing up - tidying my room, making my bed - I could also link back to anxiety about not being good at it. I found making my bed difficult because I didn't know how to do it and instead of being coached to do it, I knew if I left it long enough, mum would just do it so why bother embarrassing myself? I was still bad at it until I met my dh at 25 and he has since coached me on a lot of household things I should have been able to do independently and I now do it all without thinking.

Yabu for keep enrolling her in clubs etc if its always the same thing that ends up happening.
My son ( although to be fair he is younger at just turned 6 years old) kept asking for months to attend the lego club at school, it wasn't a cheap club and it was popular so every time I went to sign him up the places had already gone, he kept crying and asking to go so that term I put extra effort in to be ready with the link for the time it went live to get him a place and I managed to get him onto the club, he attended the first week of the club and said he didn't like it and didn't want to go again, I'd already paid £50 for the term so I told him he had to continue going as I had already payed and he had asked me so much to go. His nature is like this and it's what I expected, plus he's still young I had a feeling it would happen but as it was his first club I wanted to give him a chance and see if it was something he enjoyed, every week for that term he would come home crying saying he didn't like it and didn't want to go next week, what did I do? I kept sending him. 1 because id already paid and 2 because he had asked me so much to go and you can't just let them give up.
He finished the term and I didn't sign him up to that club ( or any club) again because I know it's in his nature and after one week he will say he doesn't want to go anymore.

Until she understands this behaviour is wrong you shouldn't keep enrolling her in clubs if you know its how she is. But yes yabu for keep enrolling her into these clubs if you know how it ends, plus you after you've paid and put time and effort into getting her into the club you should make her stick it out till the terms finished and if she doesn't want to do it again fine.

I don't think that this is necessarily learned behaviour die to poor parenting (as some replies have suggested).
I wouldn't make the assumption that the tendency to give up easily is motivated by laziness, there could be many different underlying reasons. With the buttons she could possibly be finding it difficult and need practice and teaching e.g. practising when she isn't wearing the garment.
While I haven't ever been diagnosed with dyspraxia it took me ages to learn to fasten shoelaces etc. I was embarrassingly old and was doing my best.
There's a middle way with encouraging children to stick with activities.
My Dad was great but, in his keenness to instill a sense of responsibility, he made us stick with things we weren't enjoying as if we had signed up for life.
You want to encourage perseverance though so the suggestion of six goes for a new activity before deciding is good.
I'm glad my Dad veered towards teaching over responsibility rather than letting us give up too easily.
You do sound slightly negative about your daughter and I think it might be helpful to give more thought as to what the underlying issues could be rather than assuming laziness.
Does she have friends, what do her teachers say about her, is she generally a bit clumsy, is she shy or outgoing, does she worry, does she seem exhausted after school? These questions could be pointers.

This is the reason my kids didn't start clubs until high school. I used to teach an after school club and the amount of money wasted by parents was absurd