Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

I like th it an advice. Set get goals due can achieve. Build her confidence, and endurance.

She’s not neuro divergent and doesn’t have dyspraxia.

This particular club isn’t a paid club thankfully it’s and after school club. She came home last week saying she absolutely loved it, she loves doing it in PE. Now she’s refusing to go. I can’t force her when she’s at school. They just phone me and ask me to come and get her. I’ve tried with gymnastics too. She did it for a few weeks, then it got to a point where I was dropping her off and 5 minutes later getting a phone call to come and get her because she’s refusing to join in. She’s just a nightmare at the minute. She does very well at school, and she more than capable of doing things when it suits her, it’s just when she’s doesn’t want to. She has no problems dressing herself when she’s going out with friends.

Then don’t drop everything to pick her up? Make her sit there and be bored. She’ll cop on soon enough.

This might be completely irrelevant but I just thought I'd offer up my experience as an alternative perspective.

I did quite a few activities as a child that I didn't really follow through with. However, I remember my mum would talk about how expensive they were when I started them and how spoilt I was, and I just felt enormous guilt and pressure. I would therefore stop going whenever I had the chance.

It also never occurred to me that I was pretty good at some of them. There was one in particular where I know now I could have been really really good! I wish someone would have bloody told me.

Is it possible that she has undiagnosed dyspraxia. That can cause difficulty with buttons?

My daughter was like this pre covid. She started secondary in covid and is 14 years old now and there is no stopping her. She does karate, drama and army cadets. Most recently asked my sister to take her to church and helps out there. She volunteers for every extra bit of them too like the army cadets going to London for the remembrance service. I wish I could go back for a bit as can't keep up! But ... What I am trying to say is that maybe she just hasn't found her thing/s yet and enjoy the calm before the storm!

Do you do the buttons for her?

A poster went to Cambridge uni without doing any extra curricular activities?!

My kids are also like this, serial quitters!! It’s so bloody hard, quite often we would be rushing home from work to get them where they need to be and then they either refuse to go or if made to go, not put any effort in so I would still be infuriated standing on the sidelines! It’s very hard for me to watch as I don’t like being the worse at anything so this nonchalant attitude is alien! I have kept persevering though and eventually found two hobbies my 9 year old daughter loves and has gone to happily for over a year. Still trying things with my 12 year old, but his attitude to them is slowly improving. Just keep going!! But I do agree with the others, you need to set a minimum number of classes before she can quit, even if it’s painful to watch!

They have to go for what they signed up for unless there is a very good reason.

She WANTED to do them , not WANTS anymore, forcing her to go to a club she doesn't want to go to when u don't no how she's feeling when she's there I don't think is good parenting. Putting the fact u paid for a club over the fact the child is saying she really doesn't wanna go an how she might be feeling. Seems like some really strict parenting styles on this forum, alot of your kids will probably end up with borderline personality disorders. Some parents, feed the kid, take it to school an free time put them in a club they don't Wana go too .. what about listening to your child they have feelings too not just adults

That's a tough situation but if she's only 9, she probably won't understand when you try to explain it in that way, that will only make you feel better. There's no judgement from me because I've 100% said things in frustration that I know aren't helping my child but they make me feel better. You need to try to help her learn that nobody is good at things after one try and you only get better with practice. If she really wants to learn a skill, which it sounds like she does after that much pestering, then she's only going to learn if she sticks at it. Maybe help her read about things and help her mentally prepare for it at home. It might be that she's not comfortable in that situation and she's just saying she doesn't want to do it when in fact she's just scared. Personally I don't think 9yos are lazy. She is still learning who she is as a person. She needs you to guide her.

My dd was like this when younger, we tried football, swimming, girl guides and a few other things, only went a couple times to each before she wanted to stop (tbf she was useless at football). My dd had dyspraxia, autism and possible ADHD, she’s made it hard to make choices and stick to things all the way through school (now she’s at uni). I would just stop agreeing to signing her up to things, remind her that she didn’t stick to any of the other clubs you signed her up too, either that or she will just have to go if you have paid for a place.

Praise her the fact that she at least is trying things not that she has faied at them . Branding your child lazy is def not the way to go. Shes 9 for goodness sake give her a break .

she’s not spoilt or entitled

Hard disagree. By enabling this behaviour with previous clubs you are teaching her it’s okay. Do you fix her button for her if she whinges for long enough?

Shes not lazy. Shes learnt that whining gets her what she wants.

You do do her buttons dont you? With enough pestering.

As for school, I'd tell them I cant get there for 1 hour (until the lesson finishes) and if she isnt unwell then they need to follow their own behaviour policy.

What about paying the Bill's @Courtneyanjacksmum

Being able to afford a child at conception and then not when they reach school age. What's your solution? What about when they dont want to learn to be toilet trained? Send them to school in nappies? Vaccinations?

Children can have a choice about the club or the reward chart or how they receive a vaccine, they don't get to make the adult decisions.

I'm not a doctor but I have been diagnosed with adhd and my son also.
Loosing Intrest in things very fast is a sign.
My son is the same.. has all the interest in something starts it and then bang it stops the dopamine has gone. How is she in school?
I was like this as a child... my mum would get so fed up with me.. she now realises and I do that it is something I couldn't help.
I would definitely take her to the g.p

What? Just tell her she's going. End of. She's only quitting everything she starts because you're letting her! Growth mindset! I despair.

It's a good thing she has interest in doing and trying so many things! Even though it is annoying, maybe you could arrange a "taster" session with the organiser before she gets officially signed up?

She might have some laziness about doing things for herself, but maybe sometimes she is overestimating her capabilities to be social and active outside of school. I'm sure you do talk her through what she's signing up for, it might just be worth her hearing what it's like for other kids who do those clubs or activities?

She’s desperate to do swimming lessons but I just absolutely refuse to pay for them.

And no, we don’t do the buttons for her. But it turns into a long battle which I just can’t be bothered with. My toddler is more independent than she is.

Goodjob

I just take mine to the activity anyway. I don't get mad about whinging, I just carry on with packing the equipment and taking them there. Unless I could see that after many sessions it was a really bad fit, then I reply to whinging with things like "It's just one hour out of a whole week", "you enjoy it when you're there", "you need to give things a chance", "things worth doing are not always easy 100% of the time" etc. I don't take it personally, I just make a decision as a parent that unless they are clearly and obviously not suited to the activity (in my opinion, not theirs) then they will go.

Sorry I don’t get why you wouldn’t pay for swimming lessons. Aside from being a life skill, if it’s something you pay for and you say up front you have to go to every lesson, why not use swimming to get her to commit to something if she’s ‘desperate’ to do it.
Like other posters, my DD’s have had to stick at things for a term, then if they still want to quit they can. Sorry to say, but it does sound like you’ve facilitated this.

The only activity we insist on for DS and won't allow him to quit is swimming - it's not just an activity, it's something that could save their life....