Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

You talk about her as if she is a stroppy 17 year old not a nine year old.

you need to take charge - stop with the lazy label and explain that if she asks to something that costs money then she must commit to the paid lessons.

I do think it’s okay for kids to also learn they don’t have to do something that makes them miserable. I did an activity for years and years because my mother didn’t raise a quitter. I wasn’t good at it, I didn’t enjoy it and i wish I had been given the opportunity to try different things.

sometimes having a taster session to give something a go is a better approach, which also teaches a good life lesson. Don’t be afraid to try something, and it’s okay if it’s not for you.

but surely as you know your daughter will struggle to commit you would stop signing her up for costly packages!?

She's like this because you've always allowed it. Not quite sure what you want us to say, really.

I am a laid back, permissive type of parent, but I also insist in honouring commitment. Dc can do what they like, but once we pay for a block, it is happening.

My mum used to say, “Don’t be a quitter. Nobody likes a quitter,” in a very scornful voice every time I would become disenchanted with something.
I don’t know what I thought a “quitter” was, but from the tone of my mum’s voice, it was something pretty awful.
It was the shame that worked on me.

"She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it."

So you do it then? If so the problem is you and her dad as you are enabling.

Praise the effort not the result. Agree before signing her up for things whether one trial session is an option or if there is a minimum number of times she must attend

"She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go."

'Tough. You're going, and that's the end of it.' And you take her to the sports club until the end of the lessons you've paid for. She'll either grow to like it and want to go, or she'll hesitate to pester you for some other club. Win - win.

Like other posters, both DS had to attend clubs that had been paid for. We would encourage them to give things a proper go but if they really didn't want to do it they could quit. But they were busy little bees.

No way we would have undone their clothes because they couldn't be bothered

One of DD’s friends is like this. The mum complains but she facilitates it. The child never has to do anything unwanted including important life skills which she is now behind on (eg bike, swimming). Same with clubs - she was always allowed to flake out and is even allowed to miss school if she feels like it.
I’m quite ruthless with DC. You’ve got to teach her to grit her teeth and push on when things get hard. You’re in charge here.

Mm...

I would make her go and I'd tell her she has to do her best - not half arse it.

If her best isn't getting good results, thats fine, if she doesn't want to carry on for another set/term/etc after the set you've paid for, fine... everyone at this age should be allowed to try stuff out, she will never have the opportunities and freedom she has now, to try stuff out!

It is also hard to express as a kid, complex things like:

'I want to be GOOD at this, but getting from where I am now, to where I want to be is really difficult and I didn't realise how difficult, nor can I envisage how I'll ever be as good as I want to be...and this all feels icky so I want to stop feeling icky.. ergo, I don't wanna go'...

It's taken me the better part of 40 years to figure that out!

I think if you've paid she has to go, that's what I've always said to my DD (now 11) when she's wanted to give up a class/hobby. She's found what she loves (dance) after much trial and error and is so very committed to it now it's lovely to watch.

As a cautionary tale though, I was like your DD as a child - my mother used to berate me as someone who "never sticks to anything", lazy, never puts in any effort etc. It was hurtful.

As I got older (secondary age) I found what I liked doing, and so I found I stuck those hobbies and pastimes. I put in effort and got good at them, because I loved them. (The problem I then had was that my mother didn't like my harmless hobbies like ice skating and so berated me for that, you can't win with her...).

However I know classes etc are expensive and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to just not enrol her in anything right now even if she asks, and spare the expense. When she's a bit older she'll most likely get into something properly.

The buttons thing - my DD was the same at 9, it was because she found it harder to do because she's most likely inherited my dyspraxia (see also: tying shoelaces and staying organised) and so it was easier to see if I'd do it. All the time I did it she had no motivation to try harder.... once I stopped she had to try, it took her so much effort than other people have to put in but she got there eventually. Shoe laces she finally got her motivation going to high school this term!

I think she has learnt that it is ok to quit if things are hard because you have previously allowed her to quit when things are hard.

Kids believe what we tell them about themselves so I think a message of 'you are resourceful and persistent, stick with it for the full course and it will get easier' would have been better than the implication that she is lazy and is at risk of failing life.

Stop doing things for her if you know she's capable of doing it herself (like the button) - praise resilience and perseverance when she succeeds.

I had one like this at about 7-8 years old.

’I can’t do it, I’m only little’ was the favourite line to wheel out. But it spanned everything from undoing buttons to turning on the tv to going to clubs.

It went on for too long and I started to get annoyed and frustrated.

And then I watched Dad going ‘oh don’t worry little man I’ll do that for you’.

I snapped.

From that day on we don’t use the words little or little man. But also we played hardball. You can’t turn on the TV? Oh neither can I kid, sorry, you’ll have to do something else. Not gonna lie the first few times he tested me but sitting in stony silence and then trying Dad but we didn’t give in.

Don’t want to go to a club? Tough, you’re going. We’ve paid. (Bloody loves it now).

Any response to giving up (from us) is now ‘try again’. School have seen a massive difference in his approach to learning too.

It’s hard sometimes to admit, but in some instances we do create this mess ourselves.

I .surprised at all the posters concurring that this child is lazy and a quitter, when we don't (unless I somehow missed this) know the key info of how hard she works in school. School is children's greatest endeavour and by far their most important one (well, alongside developing into a kind and compassionate human who helps others). If this kid works decently hard and also works independently (in an age appropriate way) then she is not "lazy" or a "quitter" and her mom really has nothing to worry about.

I refused to do pretty any extra-curricular clubs as a child - I was working fucking hard at school and my homework, and in my free time I wanted to read, play out with my friends in the local area, hang out with my brother, watch TV......

My mom would never have forced me to do clubs, and I can imagine feeling furious and resentful if she had. But why would she have tried to control my leisure time like that? Nobody would do that to an adult (I hope). School is tough and intense - can't we let kids enjoy their downtime?.

I turned out pretty well I like to think - I went to Cambridge university and have a good job where I work with people where I have a reputation for being hard working and getting stuff done. I also have a number of hobbies - but I am good at balance and never over-commit, so I never feel stressed (or not in a too much to do stressed way) like so many people seem to. Perhaps because my mom allowed me and helpede to learn to manage my own commitments and stress levels as a child?

Don't be horrible to your child. Don't disrespect her on a public forum. Love her, listen to her and build from there.

@Ilovelurchers the op is not forcing her daughter to any after school clubs- if is the child who is pestering them quitting.

So parent her! Set boundaries about when she can and can't quit activities.

Failing to teach her perseverance and then calling her names to strangers on the internet makes you very U.

My kids are younger and one has ASD so I don't have much experience from a parenting perspective.

However based on my own experience as a kid I was a definite quitter! Looking back I think it was a massive lack of confidence. I was very shy and even if the activity sounded fun I just couldn't enjoy it while I was there. I felt I should be doing things like my friends but actually was happier just pottering around at home. I got so stressed my mum just let me quit but refused to sign me up for anything new. Which I understood.

It didn't hold me back in the long run though, I got my first job at 15 and got a sense of satisfaction from work that I didn't at clubs/school/hobbies. Doing a good job there increased my confidence and I was more able to stick at things, plus I got money! I had to do it in my own time though, if my parents had pushed me to get a job I probably wouldn't have done it. My life skills like buttons, cooking etc came as a teenager when I was properly motivated and realised my friends were all able to do things themselves and I didn't want to look immature.

Basically I'd say don't push it, but say she needs to take a break from signing up for anything now.

It might be too late on this occasion but you need to be upfront that if she tries something new she tries it for a term, no quibble

I recently had this conversation with my 8 year old as I had to actually pay upfront for an entire term for one of his activities before he’d even started it. So he knew when he went the first time he was going to have to give it a proper go.

Did you actually bother to read the OP? The daughter wants to do these activities, she's not being forced into them.

Have you looked into whether there might be something else going on in the background?

Does your daughter have friends? is she good at communicating? is she able to concentrate at school?

Because it might be that she gets overwhelmed by something (being in new environments and with new people) each time and has issues concentrating and you might not realise it.

Worth looking into rather than just assuming that she is just ''lazy''...

Once you have eliminating all other possibilities you can get back to trying to build in her a better sense of commitment and responsibilities.

Counterargument is that kids don't have to do clubs.

I do push my kids to do them, but that's largely because all three have a lot of energy and will run around the house if they don't get the human equivalent of two walkies a day.

Assuming your DD isn't like that, let her quit.

Just picking up on what you said about her and doing up buttons . Is it because she struggles and finds it hard as opposed to being lazy? Just thinking about dyspraxia. How is she with other fine motor skills.

My son has dyspraxia and always struggled with buttons, handwriting ect but was also uncoordinated at sports too. May it be that she’s trying these activities but quitting them as finding them hard due to dyspraxia!

My daughter does this a lot.

She basically gets told she does a full term otherwise she will have a complete screen ban (she would watch TV all day if she could).

Oddly, she has now been doing kick boxing for 2 years, and although she is often reluctant to go, she always ends up enjoying the classes. She has also stuck out a dance class and is now on a second term - we found one that was more "fun" and less disciplined!

Kids need to be taught the art/skill of perseverance.

I was going to mention dyspraxia as well. The buttons made me think it. She may have difficulty with emotional regulation and self-confidence and be quitting things because she’s scared.