Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

Shes 9….

I had a daughter who was similar. She joined everything but as soon as they did a certificate or any kind of award she was done. It was a confidence thing. A feeling she didn’t fit, not lazy.
It took a lot (a lot!) of clubs before she found the thing that fit.
And years of building her self-esteem to feel she deserved it but now she’s tough and stronger for it and I’m glad she tried things and left rather than spend her childhood wishing she was allowed to do these things and never knowing.
Encourage and support. It’s ok to say no of course but I would say that if you can afford to support her then you should try to.
best of luck x

There could be lots of valid reasons why she starts things and then gives up, but she clearly isn't lazy or lacks motivation if she constantly wants to start things or if she does well at school.

It sounds as though you are a bit at the end of your tether, but I genuinely think from what you say there must be a specific reason beyond laziness. Can you just say for now that you will sign her up to pay as you go activities, or free ones.

I think it's important to give kids agency when it comes to trying out new activities, as if you make her carry on doing things when she doesn't want to, she might stop wanting to try new things.

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it. 9 is still young. My daughter tried lots of things and gave up lots of things. Then found a hobby at nearly 10 and now nearly 2 years later represents her country and is medalled. So it is worth being being patient.

Does she get pocket money, or have any savings from birthday, Christmas gifts etc? If so, i would make it clear to her that if she refuses to go to classes you've paid for, the cost will be taken out of her own funds

I have no advice because 10yr old SD is exactly the same and it's made harder by the fact her mum doesn't really want to dobthe activities for her that we've inevitably paid for so first refusal to go request to give up and she allows it. Likewise with dressing, she can quite readily get herself dressed when she wants to but will make every excuse under the sun when she can't be bothered. We're trying to teach her patience and commitment, but we were talking the other night about how hard that is when she is growing up in a world where so much stuff is available instantly or disposable.

I saw a similar thing with my daughter at the same age, and interpreted it like you have. Looking back, I think I was wrong.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I could talk to my past-self knowing what I know now about how my daughter developed. Maybe your situation is totally different but maybe it isn’t and perhaps you’ll find some value in what I’d say to my former self.

The one sentence is this:
She’s probably not “lazy”, she’s probably a perfectionist who is scared of failing.

Unchecked, this is a dangerous thing for her mental health in long run. Her future may involve extreme exam anxiety and crippling emotional stress.

What do you do about it? Love her and demonstrate that failing at things and finding things tough is acceptable. Talk to her about it and demonstrate it. Take up a new hobby together, and let her see you struggle at it and still enjoy it anyway. Praise improvement and effort above above achievement. Constantly tell her her good qualities and improve her self esteem; most of all let her know you love her.

Inside her head, she’s being controlled by her emotional pain at not being able to do something as well as she hoped. Understand that and try to break through it with humour, love and understanding rather than criticising her lack of effort.

Best of luck and I wish I’d learned this lesson 8 years ago.

xxx

Just be nice!

I know you’ve said she’s not neurodivergent but my son was exactly like this demanding to do this and that then his anxiety would get the better of him and he wouldn’t go anymore. I would never have said he was autistic because it wasn’t obvious or typical, he masked a lot, but turns out at 15 he was finally diagnosed with autism. He has PDA which is a complex form of autism. Maybe look up PDA and see if you see anything you recognise.

I'd say she's a perfectionist rather than lazy. She expects to succeed from the get go and if she doesn't, she loses hope and gives up because it's too painful to accept defeat.

My 8 year old son is like this although I see some improvement now. We talk to him a lot about the importance of failure - we actually tell him it's never failure unless you learn nothing from the experience.

Listen to Sara Blakely(founder of Spanx). She talks about how her dad would actively celebrate failure when they were kids. As a result, she took took on any challenge and followed through because she knew it was only a matter of time before she got good at it.

Be patient OP..I know it's tough. I would say talk to your daughter and make her understand that none of us start out knowing anything. We get there in steps.

Lol, just realized a PP had mentioned perfectionism as the probable cause. Couldn't agree more!

Swimming is a non negotiable in our house, they remain in swimming lessons until the can swim confidently. Most other clubs I’m with the you stay for a payment term and then can stop if you like.

with regard to the school asking you to collect early, how are you expected to do this if you are at work? I’d say it’s reasonable that she has to sit and wait at the side until the agreed collection time, she can then Choose to participate for the hour or not.

This is such a sad message and doesn't seem like anyone listened to neither the Mom nor the Mom to the child. So much more going on here. The child is angry and acting out plus looking for attention. No amount of money being thrown at a child's activities will make her behave if she feels unwanted. Her ask to do something is a test of the parent on that parent's time I would guess. What the child is really asking for is quality time. As a parent you sound hard, without any emotion - is your husband similar - you sound aggrieved to even hold your child let alone comfort. Do you even understand the damage you are doing to this child? Whatever was done to you in the past, leave it behind you and don't inflict on your child. To write on a Forum like this, you have a certain mindset - listen to what your heart is telling you in what is correct behaviour by you as a Mother because what you are doing right now is wrong and you need help.

She sounds exactly like my daughter. Who has inattentive ADHD. The not doing her buttons up really resonated. It’s impossible to say too much with such limited info, but when my husband and I read your post, it pretty much screamed inattentive ADHD to us both. Could be worth investigating?

My kids all do a lot of competitive sports, and they know that we don’t flake out of things we’ve committed to - whether that’s a training session for a sport they do, or a PTA meeting I am regretting saying i’ll attend! Also with this attitude actually, the children 99% of the time love going to their training, matches and galas and the few times a year they don’t feel like it then they know to give it a good try anyway. Obviously if they are ill they don’t go. You need to be firm with your daughter - tell her she has to complete the number of sessions you’ve signed her up for and then just make her go. She’ll probably end up loving it once she’s got into the swing of going regularly!

Are you ok?

My child is definitely not neuro diverse. This was a mistake posting here. I was just at the end of my rag and needed to vent.

She's only 9. I think yabu for losing your rag with her about this. Ynbu to feel like that, but she's young & has a lot to learn. Sent some new boundaries about clubs etc & try to do things with her to build her confidence

I've re-read this now. I see your point that it's about more than just activities. The whole tone is there's a problem to be solved, nothing positive about the child. If my kid aged nine gave up buttoning his shirt I'd be saying are you OK, whats going on? Different from giving up activities you might not like. She sounds exhausted or like something is wrong.

Humans are lazy when we follow the “nature” path, eg were designed to conserve energy.

Perhaps a carrot approach will work so she knows she will earn something when she focuses and puts her mind to something.

Try this approach from a small scale perspective first and expand to bigger tasks

Yeah, my Mum would have sworn up and down that I was not neurodiverse and frankly the Dr who dx my sister as ND would have done the same.

However with the advanced knowledge we now have, my Drs very much agree that I am.

Hey ho, your daughter, your choice - you don't have to listen to anyone of course.

When my DD wants to do a hobby like gymnastics, dancing etc, I tell her how long the block is & say if I sign her up, she has to finish the block. If 2nd week sge says she’s not keen & wants to do something else then I make her finish the block before she starts something else.

I would say she has to go but if she doesn’t want to go after she’s done what’s paid for then she can stop.

Yeah it’s mad how much of a nerve the suggestion seems to have hit with OP. as soon as I read the original post I thought of ADHD.

Exactly what I was thinking.. I can see clearly that this.mum is struggling.. but so is her child ...I see no compassion for a 9 year old ... maybe she is.acting up because she wants attention..
Instead of being hard on.her.. do the opposite... encourage her... it will work

I was like this as a child.
Obviously I never even thought about the effects on my parents.
As it turns out, I've found out in adulthood that I'm highly functioning autistic with slight ADD.
The signs were there as a child - I gave things up very easily, I flitted from one hobby to another, never being able to stick to one thing, anxiety and isolating, and withdrawing from friends quite a lot, but not all the time.
Not the type of anxiety an adult displays, it was more subtle as a child and became more pronounced as I got older.
I always walked on tip toes, which is a classic physical sign.
I'm not saying your DD has this, but this was my behaviour and just thought I'd mention it in case it could apply.
In which case, she may not be able to help how she is, I know I couldn't.
May be nothing at all, could be a phase, but I thought I'd share how I was in case it helps.

Make her stick it out. Always greet her with praise afterwards and maybe a treat. Kids are allowed to give up too easily these days. The attraction of gaming and on screen stuff are f such a dopamine hit. My parents were more interested in my brothers sports and that left me wanting more attention. They half heartedly showed interest in my hobbies, but I wish they’d pushed me harder and now I’m a parent, I’m trying to be better. My kids are in a very niche hobby and it’s REALLY hard work. I was worried it would be too much, maybe it will be, we’ll see… first kid is absolutely thriving now (took at least 4 months) 2nd kid seems to be stepping up to the challenge too. It builds resilience and commitment plus skills! Don’t give up!