Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

I'm with the people who say it sounds like a lack of confidence. Does she find it difficult to meet new people, for example. The not doing buttons up thing could be laziness, as a completely separate issue.

My youngest son is like this. Always has been. He’s autistic and I spent so many years trying to get him motivated. In the end he became suicidal around the age of 18 and I realised that all the pressure on him to pretend to be normal was very damaging. Could your daughter be neurodivergent?

I agree that this must feel very frustrating, however I think you are being unreasonable.

It sounds very much like she may have PDA which a profile of autism. PDA means that they struggle with demands, sometimes they really do want to do something but they just physically can’t do it. My son has PDA, he’s nearly 9. He often struggles with even basic demands such as getting dressed. I still help him with his shirt buttons and his school tie. Or getting his clothes ready for the next day, making sure he has everything organised etc
They know what they NEED to do but the thought of actually doing it is so overwhelming for them.
Clubs, I think you need to gently persevere. My son loves football and wanted to be part of a club. He was more calm and happy when it was the earlier years and the club was more just training and just for fun. Our struggles got worse when the level moved up to team games. So he had that extra “demand” of the matches plus the midweek training.
Some days he can be really organised and will get his kit ready etc but often the demand to get ready is too much and it really does help if I support him to get his things ready for him and help him get dressed etc.
It’s not “giving in to him” or a way for him to get what he wants etc. It’s simply too overwhelming for him and he physically cannot do it.
We’ve had many days where getting him to the club is a struggle, he’ll moan that it’s too much, too much running etc
The teachers can also make a big difference. We’re lucky that his football coaches and the whole club are really supportive and inclusive of everyone, they understand his struggles. He also joined the school football club and his coach is great (he’s also a SEN teacher at the school which is fab). He wouldn’t cope as well with a club or teacher who is too strict or shouty etc

Do you give her attention when she is being good, did you praise and reward when she was little? I agree with giving her more responsibility and earning for doing stuff. I'm wondering what you mean by hard working family and if it means that her emotional needs aren't being met.

This. My daughter is exactly the same and it all boils down to a fear of failure. Often once she starts doing the new thing she actually finds she loves it but her initial fear can be totally overwhelming.

She's very young and at a sensitive age where hidden fears can rule and reproaches or disapproval can be felt very keenly. Young people generally haven't yet learnt virtues of persistence, consistency, commitment or overcoming fear or reluctance to meet a challenge or difficulty - indeed many adults haven't developed those qualities even into well into adulthood and some never do.

You do not necessarily know the inner mental and emotional landscape of a child - she may be seeking comfort and reassurance or the feeling of being cared for when she wants you to do a button - so tread carefully and curb the temptation to impatience or outbursts.

Is there any chance she has dyspraxia /DCD? This can make fine motor skills (doing up buttons) and gross motor skills (particularly those requiring coordination like gym, swimming) very challenging (thus very physically and mentally tiring). It is good that she wants to try but maybe once there is not what she thought it would be or she struggles to follow? Can you only agree to classes with a free trial session

its on you. Can you not Ask any potential "new" group for a introductory session..? view/join in/pre commit .How is she spoze to KNOW she likes it or not otherwise.?

Absolute minimum of 1 term commitment to anything you sign her up for.

She's 9. It's absolutely your job to teach her that there may be a hard lesson/activity. It doesn't mean you stop.

You are enabling her to be the way she is.

Well you’ve let her quit all of them so now she thinks she can. It’s not fair to lose your rag with her when you’ve always allowed her to give up. She doesn’t know she’s doing anything wrong.

As long as she is getting enough fresh air and exercise in other ways and is finding non-screen-based ways to spend free time, I'd drop the clubs and just wait for her to mature. I appreciate that this may be difficult if she is also pestering to join things in the first place, though.

It does sound like a lack of confidence. The button thing makes it sound as though she thinks she can’t do anything at all herself. Does she get anxiety?

I agree that you should encourage her to carry on and not allow her to quit at the beginning when something is really hard. But I think you also need balance to maintain the trust that sometimes she can say no and she won’t always be forced to do things she really doesn’t like

What does she spend her time doing?

I don't agree with forcing clubs as it's a nightmare for the people running the activity but I'd make it very clear that she won't be getting signed up for anything else.

I’m wondering whether she wants to go, but is nervous at starting. It can be scary. Can you ask to stay at the first session? Or say she has to do three sessions. Maybe reward her for every session she goes to, whether it’s £2, a comic, or bag of chips purchased after said event.

Regarding buttons, what happens whenShe gives up? Do you then step in? If so, she’s learnt that she doesn’t have to bother because you’ll bail her out. Maybe build up:slowly, you do two buttons, then she does two etc.

i don’t think she is spoilt or entitled either, just learnt poor behaviour. However, going forward, that could manifest in these qualities, if you always give in.

She is 9 and you are abdicating responsibility for her behaviour?! Wow!!

She is the product of her surroundings and upbringing.

You as her parents have allowed her to quit everything

You as her parents facilitate the lazy attitude by doing up the button

You have a responsibility to teach your child to do better.

i used to do the same with activities, flit from one to the other, never sticking, never doing more than 2-3 sessions before declaring i didn't like it/didn't want to go.

Until i found something I DID want to do, which i was initially refused because of previous track record, but i begged and pleaded and wheedled, and mom gave in... i stuck at that hobby/activity for 15 years, passed exams, won awards, travelled the length and breadth of the UK and made so many memories i still cherish to this day.

Don't call her a quitter, or insinuate she is lazy, that kind of mud sticks, just give her chance to find the thing she DOES love.

When I was a kid it was all right to be a bit crap at something and do it as a hobby anyway. I'm not sure it's the same now, especially in sporting clubs. To be honest age 9 is when those people who have been doing the sport for a while get really really good, and if it's competitive you've no chance. Maybe this is dependent on area? It's very 'type-A' heavy where I live.

So I do think that the first session of anything is horrid (I started a new choir this week and it was stressful, age 48, but I know it will get better) and it's worth pushing through a few more sessions but if she's not enjoying it after session 5 I wouldn't push it personally.

I love this advice.

MN needs more Mrs Pratchetts and less Pineapples!

It might be laziness, but we also thought it was that with my DS and he eventually got diagnosed with dyspraxia/dcd which revealed his motor skills were in the 1st percentile. We found getting dressed (buttons, socks, zips), sports, handwriting were all a challenge for him and it looked, on the surface, like he wasn't trying or was giving up. He was actually trying really really hard, which sucked a lot of the fun out of activities for him. It also made him really tired and a bit grumpy, so in the evenings he just wanted to flop after school.

Of course it might be she just needs to stick at it a bit, everything is hard to start with, for everyone!

Hi. Have you given it any consideration that she may have ADHD?
I’m full of ideas of what I want to do, until it comes to doing them. I have ADHD, just been diagnosed at 49. But struggled all my life. I was told I was I was lazy etc ADHD is very different in women/girls than it is in boys/men

So interesting, I was literally discussing this with my twin brother. We were both sent to many activities, clubs and camps over our childhood (both our parents had full time demanding jobs). Some we enjoyed, some less so but we were always made to stick it out. In particular, we were reminiscing about scouts, I remember at lot of the time we genuinely didn’t want to go because it was cold & wet and a bit religious (come from secular background). However, some of my most vivid memories outside of school come from those wet and windy weekends and now I look back fondly.I’d force her to keep going, at least for an agreed period (possibly a term). She may grow to enjoy it, she will certainly learn from it even if she doesn’t.

Going against the grain here a bit, but this sounds quite like how I was at this age and believe me it had nothing to do with laziness. I'm actually incredibly determined and hardworking, and have done well for myself as an adult, but I struggled with basic tasks like dressing myself up until fairly late. If I couldn't succeed at certain things after the first couple of tries I would get too frustrated, overwhelmed and upset. I was later diagnosed with ASD and I quite probably have a compounding ADD condition too.

I realise that there is a bit of a trend for diagnosing things over the Internet based one piece of information, but I might at least consider whether something like ADD/ADHD/ASD might be playing a role here. This isn't to let your daughter off the hook for her inability to stick with things, but if there is some underlying neurodivergence going on, then being armed with that piece of information will help you to help her find strategies for coping with demands and sticking with things when she finds them difficult. Losing your patience with her is unlikely to get any results, it's just going to make her lose the confidence to even try anything once.

If she won’t go say her alternative is to use that hour to do a chore you select. If she doesn’t want to do the chore she goes to the activity. And don’t sign up for another activity until she goes to the full ten sessions.

Son has been playing rugby for a few years now. The past couple of times they've moved up a year group they introduce more rules and he decides he hates it, it's too hard and he doesn't want to go anymore.

He had the same issue with a particular football training group he goes to. Been going for years, moved to a more advanced group, decided he never wants to go back.

As another poster suggested, we got to the bottom of it and it's the perception he has that he's not picking things up as quickly as others, or he's not as good as others that's the real issue, not that he's lazy. Maybe your daughter doesn't pick these things up straight away, sees that others are better and feels inferior or intimidated by it.

All we do is say fair enough you don't want to do it, but we've got the kit now or we're paid up until X date, so keep going until then and we'll see how you feel. So far it's only swimming he stuck with his original decision to quit.

On the subject of being lazy around the house, that's just kids isn't it? There's so much mine will do for himself, but other things he's got into a habit of asking about. Laces, top button, can you get me a drink etc. Again as other have said if you stop doing they stop asking.