Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

To be honest, swimming lessons I would definitely sign up for! That's a life skill not a passing activity. It's not in the same bracket as an activity for fun.

Says alot.. they way you speak about your daughter... "can't be bothered" toddler is more independent.. if this is what you say online what do you say to her.

I’m allowed to be pissed off with her it’s been a really shitty week. I know full well I’ll pay for a block of lessons and she won’t want to do them. Because she does it with everything.

My thoughts exactly... she's is only 9 she is a child

9 is old enough to take a bit of responsibility for herself. I’m not forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. This is all things that she has begged me she wants to do.

We used to have a one term rule. Also if she isn’t joining in then she should just sit on the side and get bored. Tell them you won’t pick her up until the end of the session and tell her the same.

I would consider dyspraxia? As you mention the buttons & maybe things are a struggle which is why she quits?

I think you are being very wise in addressing this problem mow. Parenting is hard, very hard sometimes. But ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. And there's obviously a problem. Daughter is 9, not 3. She wants, she gets, she doesn't want. It's not unusual!

But you're being a really great mum, not the Genie of the Lamp, granting every whim & wish as it arises. It's tough. As previously suggested, little steps.

So, good for you, and in the longer term, very good for daughter.

I think you need to take responsibility for this. The ability to persevere starts when they’re young, gently encouraging them to keep going when things are challenging, praise for effort rather than result, praise for not giving up, modelling it yourself by persevering with things.

Does she have ADD? Have you had her assessed?
Often undiagnosed in girls, but they will often struggle to do anything that isn't exciting or that they find hard. Medication can help vastly. Good luck x

My son at the age of 6 wanted to learn how to swim. As it's a life skill I discussed with him that yes I was happy to sign him up but that I'd had to pay for a block of 10 lessons so he had to be really sure he wanted to do it. Yes he was positive. On the first lesson he refused to come out of the changing room saying he couldn't swim. Yes that's why we are here I said. But no amount of cajoling worked, he refused absolutely to even get changed. We went home and I sent him upstairs to get his money box . I got him to tip it out and count out the amount that the lessons had cost me. He was obviously upset but then said " if I go back next week and join in the lesson, can I have my money back?" I agreed he could, so the next week we went back and he got changed and went in and really enjoyed it. Obviously I gave him the money back as soon as we got home.
Some of my friends thought I'd been far too harsh but he learnt to swim really well and even became a lifeguard for a while. Now he's an adult we've talked about it, he said that I hadn't shouted or got upset but he knew that I meant what I said and he thought seriously about any clubs or activities that he wanted to do after that as he knew I expected him to commit to something once he'd started it.

If she wants swimming lessons, I ven though it’s a life skill, I say she proves it to you.

Ok, she can have swimming lessons. But she has to earn them. She needs to do the term at this club she was begging for. She does the term, she can have the lessons.

If she the. Doesn’t do the lessons - she looses privileges, such as the poster above. You paid so she pays - she looses her pocket money to make up the cost.

I agree 9 for most kids is old enough to start taking responsibility. I had to pack my own lunch at that point, remember my drink each day, put my clothes in the laundry (or they didn’t get washed) had to help put new sheets on the bed…..you know what I was a bit lazy as a kid but you soon learn!

Lots of praise and for ncouragment for getting things done herself - go OTT at first for simple things like packing her own bag. But don’t give rewards for chores or stuff she should do anyway - can’t expect a prize every time she does the slightest job or you’ll really be in for it.

Heehee

A reward board - I make my son do 8 tasks a day, but he has to do them all 6 days and he gets a small reward day 7. Things like dressing independently, wiping his own bum without asking for help, doing own shoes, brushing teeth without being asked and tidying. Reading school book daily etc.

Works a treat.

Have you asked her why she starts things and then won’t join in? I’m sure we’ve all had a child whining about going to an activity but then fine when they get there. That just struck me as something worth exploring with DD, it weirdly must take quite a lot of guts to refuse to do an activity in front of her peers/the group leader so I wondered if you had asked her why?
also much better to vent your frustration on here. I adore DD but she still drives me mad on occasion

I can see why you are frustrated but I think you should continue taking her at least until the end of the term you pay for. You will find she will either find something she loves about it and continue. Or she will express a genuine hate for it that you cannot ignore then you can move onto the next thing.

This is something I’ve done with my daughter. I then stopped paying for all classes and over a few months she showed an interest in gymnastics. So I told her that I will pay for it if she was serious about it. As it was something she kept talking about, we eventually signed up and she hasn’t left. If she chooses to quit I always ask her why. We have done several gymnasiums - she’s left one because the level wasn’t challenging enough, so we completed the term and then moved. One was because she was the oldest and everyone else was significantly younger. We completed the term and then moved. One didn’t have enough competitions….

2 things

1. if you’ve paid for it complete it and speak to your daughter to figure out the root cause of wanting to quit
2. keep an eye out on what she is interested in. What does she do without being told to? What are her talents and put her in a class that feeds into that

She needs a good dose of discipline. You are clearly pandering to her and allowing her to be like this. Unless she has LD why the hell are you still entertaining doing her buttons at 9yrs old. My DS has been doing his own buttons since reception (4yrs) and has just learn to tie his own laces.(6yrs) Children are only lazy and useless if they are allowed to be that way.

Oh hello, Jacob

Mine came out of the womb with their laces neatly tied so I don't think your six year old will be winning any prizes!

It sounds like me as a kid. When a club or group got too hard, I'd quit. It came across as laziness, but as an adult I now realise it was anxiety. I'd get worried that I wouldn't be able to do the trickier things, or I'd just tell myself that it was too hard for me. I had/have a fear of failure and my way of "dealing" with it as a kid was to avoid things that I thought I might fail at. Just something for OP to consider when talking with their child. Maybe encourage them in a way that says, it's ok that its a bit tricky and it's ok if you don't get it right straight away. Just keep trying and I'll be there for you.

Don't label her as lazy.
Lack of confidence is a different issue. With my youngest (where I did my best parenting) I had a rule that she could not give up just because of 1 bad week. That helped hugely.

I understand its frustrating and concerning. However whatever approach you're doing isn't working. If she won't attend clubs don't pay for them. Shes only 10. If she has no hobbies for 4 years she could still become a brilliant scientist, engineer, etc..

Wait until she's telling you what she wants to do. When she does anything we'll, praise and encourage.

I wonder though if she's tired, lacks confidence or just hasn't found what interests her yet.

That's funny! I was going to say my four year old just wants to do things himself. I'm not applying a magical technique here and its not always good, he will start using tools if you leave them around. I was like this too. Some kids are more hesitant and still deserve respect and encouragement.

I think I'd give this a try. She earns the swimming lessons by completing this term of the sports club that she begged you for. She doesn't do the sports club, you don't buy her the swimming lessons.

My DD did dancing, then gymnastics, then drumming, then Judo, I accepted it may take her time to find her thing but we always told her she had to stay til end of term or next grading. She eventually settled on swim club and Judo where she got up to brown belt, but always we gave her a definite period of time she had to stay