Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

Are you sure it’s not a fear of failure?

My son is like this - he’s not lazy.

He is terrified of getting things wrong and being laughed at and everyone thinking he is rubbish.

If she really wants to go to something and then suddenly quits when it gets tricky - it could very easily be a lack of confidence / self belief.

She needs love and reassurance and support and encouragement - and lots of conversations and rewards for trying.

Getting angry will just reinforce her belief that she’s useless.

All the wise advice here is great. But talking is the most important. Why did she find it hard?

My daughter had a terrible time with wanting to do activities and then ‘not wanting’ to. She was later diagnosed with hyper mobility and it was actually hurting her. We have a great physio who basically told her to take regular breaks (among other things obvs!) and she finds sticking at an activity a lot more enjoyable now… as it doesn’t hurt! She was just looking for the magical activity that didn’t hurt!! We just thought she was lazy and couldn’t be bothered. She didn’t know it didn’t hurt for everyone!

The activities that didn’t hurt were the only ones she stuck to… swimming, horse riding, cycling, singing. Made a lot of sense once we had figured it all out!

Also her fine motor skills were affected. Buttons, laces etc took forever to do and she would get frustrated.

as others have said, we have a “if you want to do the activity you commit for a term”
nothing wrong with saying “not for me” at the end of the term, but if you commit you honour this
my DD”s primary had a “growth mindset” and I loved how everything was “yet” - “I’m not good at this, yet” - “I cannot do this, yet” - we still use it, so when my DD (now a teen) tells me “I cannot do this, I remind her “not yet, let’s try and see what you’re struggling with”
say, she gives up with a button, I encourage her, ask her to practice with it when she’s not wearing the item (some buttons are hard) - of course, I will help her, and then help her practice
mots good for them to honour their commitments, but they also have to learn to “learn from their mistakes”

My daughter is like this, she’s 7. We have now realised the reason for a lot of it is anxiety. She wants to do clubs but they cause so much anxiety, she can’t.

She will also refuse to do simple tasks like get dressed, put shoes on. She will make excuses such as my arms aren’t working etc. After some major issues where she has been unable to attend school, we have realised that she is probably autistic with PDA.

I could be way off the mark here but read about PDA. I couldn’t believe how it basically described my daughter to a tee.

Just to give the opposite view, I was made to carry on taking piano lessons until I'd passed a certain exam (grade 5? 6?) I hated it, so many hours of miserable practice.

Now we have a beautiful piano in our house and I never touch it. Can't stand the sound - it makes my teeth itch. Even listening to recorded piano music makes me tense up and feel rotten.

So yes, it is possible to ruin an activity for someone for life, just by pressuring them to carry on doing it when they'd rather not.

I must be quite mean. I make my child go to anything I've paid for even if they don't particularly like it.

What I do try to do is acknowledge their feelings and promise not to book it again. "I know you haven't been enjoying X so far, so you don't need to do it next term if you don't want to. And shall we go and get an ice cream afterwards?"

Mine usually likes it when they get there, though. Problem is that they'd prefer to be at home lazing in front of the TV.

Why are you making her so stuff she doesn’t wanna do?

I think in this case the child specifically asked to do it.

DS is not dyspraxic, but has many dyspraxic traits. He also has ADHD. We've put a LOT of effort into ensuring he can dress himself, do basic things, understand that he can't give up on something on the first day etc. DD is as NT as they come but we've taken a similar approach. This is even though overall, I'm probably quite a soft parent.

I've been really bemused recently to discover how many children can't do simple things that even DS, with all his struggles, can. I'm sorry OP, but you are allowing this situation to develop - she should be doing her own buttons by now and she absolutely is old enough to understand that if she signs up to something she has to do it. So unless there's some undiagnosed SEN (which there might well be, not enough info in your OP to tell), you need to get on top of this.

Although, if it's any consolation, I recently discovered that 8 year old nephew can't do his top button either, and that a friend has children in high school who can't do their own ties.

I mean, neurodivergent children exist. This is a very ableist comment.

I haven’t read all the replies so apologies if I’m repeating something but have you considered that she may have adhd? The way you describe her is quite typical of it and it may be that she cannot help the way she is with clubs and being ‘lazy’.

Best response! So many people just assume the child is being an arse when there’s usually way more going on. It’s poor parenting to assume that the kid is just being lazy when there’s often something else at play.

We tend to follow the rule of only quitting on a 'good' day.

Sounds like she is spoilt - you give into her. Being spoilt isn’t always about buying them everything. Make her do it, she wanted to go, you arranged it and paid for it so she should go. Thats it. Make her do her own buttons. She is old enough, let her tantrum. She will get over it and I bet she manages to u do the button. You can’t always be there to fix everything or how do they learn?!

My daughter was same around that age.. wanting to join/ do things on spur of moment then gave up easily .
Same with getting dressed etc ..always looking for the easy way out.
Didn't know then it was ADHD.
We do now and looking back it all made sense.

My son dies this. If I’ve paid, he goes. If he refuses to go then I have said I will take the money from the birthday money he was given to pay for it. Guess what? He goes and enjoys the club.

I was made to do violin lessons as a child for several years. I didn't enjoy them and didn't like my teacher. At some point - we moved house and there was less money - the lessons stopped, and that was a relief to me.

But the real positive is that I can read music and that I understand something about how music is performed and composed. This enabled me to sing in a choir which has given me huge enjoyment.

I absolutely agree with those who say that it is important to commit to a number of sessions and give things a proper try - rather than giving up right at the start.

She probably doesn't want to clean her teeth or eat vegetables either.

In general, children are over scheduled and exhausted these days. They need opportunity to sometimes get bored to birth creativity. They need rest when schools have such high expectations from a young age. I would take her to the paid for sessions and then if she’s not getting any enjoyment out of it, finish.

She may have ADHD or is otherwise neurodivergent - sounds a bit like my DD2 who was diagnosed at 13.

This may be helpful.

https://twitter.com/naomicfisher/status/1602405215382212612?lang=en

DD1 is the total opposite by the way. It's not parenting, it's who they are as a person.

I have found with my son that it can work well to agree to stopping provided he explains his reasoning to the coaches. So, for example, he can leave after the committed period of 10 weeks provided he explains to the coach his reasons for doing so. That way, I am respecting his decision to opt-out on condition that he takes responsibility for his actions. Could something like that work?

On a wider point about his work ethic/commitment, I'm keen to go back and RTFT for some advice.

Does she worry about not being good at things? DS has gone through this, wanting to give up at things he finds hard. At a lot of things, sports and academics, he doesn’t struggle, so when it’s something new that needs work his confidence crashes.

We support him, but talk about digging deep, hard work paying off, and sticking to our commitments.

He still struggles from time to time, but he now knows from his own experience, that he’s the one who benefits when he sticks at stuff.

I don't think you have been harsh.

I will say it is not as easy as 'you need to go', what if they physically just won't?

I'm not sure how much it is about what you demonstrate or parenting either to be honest. We have 3 DC and over the years:-

DC1 - has never quit anything in his life (now 17)
DC2 - tries and will fulfil the whole end of term before if/he quits (now 15)
DC3 - thinks he is the best at everything so when he starts karate* and isn't fighting straight away and a black belt quits after 3 sessions or something and says it was boring (now 12) and when younger would be very difficult to drag there (all local so walking and I don't drive).

All brought up the same, all have seen the same behaviours from us.

Whilst this might be off the mark, given others on this thread's experience, I am convinced that DC3 has a lot less patience because has grown up in a world where everything is at your fingertips and immediate, you don't have to wait. The older two have experienced waiting for their favourite TV programme to come on, they had things like mobiles, games consoles etc later than DC3, they had to wait to speak to their mate at school because they couldn't talk to them over a playstation. DC3 just doesn't need to wait for things more generally and I think this feeds into his need for something to grip him or for him to be great at it straight away.

*karate is one of many examples

I tried to make one of mine stick with swimming, very firm, got her as far as the pool and she did a runner! They refused to have her back in the pool whilst screaming and upset obviously. So, once they are 9 or 10 I think it's sometimes the only option to back down in the moment, but not book anything else going forward on the basis that all the money is spent on that unused activity.

As a child I had to have a sports club that I went to (for exercise) and if I wanted to give up that I had to come up with another sport I was going to do.

I also did swimming club every Friday which I didn’t exactly like but it was just routine and my mum always took me regardless. I think once you turn up to the club with your daughter then she kinda has to give it a go cuz of peer pressure and not wanting to look silly by not participating. I do wonder if some of it is anxiety and over thinking about going so if you just always take her even if she says she doesn’t want to go this may actually be beneficial to her… I’m a bit like it with the gym have to force myself to go and I do enjoy it.