Was I too harsh at my daughter or do I have a point?

[MrsRoxkwell]

My daughter is 9 and she is lazy. She quits every club, hobby, activity she wants to do as soon as she has to put a little bit of effort in. This has cost me a lot of money over the years. She had now told me she doesn’t want to go to a sport club tomorrow that she has been on a waiting list for for months. Bugging me for months and pestering me to phone them etc. she’s done one lesson and now she says it’s too hard and she doesn’t want to go. I’ve just lost my rag with her. I’ve asked her how she thinks she’s going to survive in life if she can’t be arsed to put any effort into anything.
Even things like undoing the button on her dress. She will half assed try it once then just give up and pester me or her dad to do it. I’m just so fed up with her and don’t know why she’s like it. We are a hard working family, she’s not spoilt or entitled. She just has zero drive to do anything for herself.

My mum let me quit anything and everything, activities, food choices, I think she just wanted an easy life. Now I feel I missed out on so much ‘community’ that comes with sport and being good/involved in one. Right the way from school to university and beyond. I was about 25 when I learned to eat vegetables and my mum just says ‘well you wouldn’t eat them’ ‘you said you didn’t like swimming/gymnastics/football etc. I didn’t think about it at the time but I now I look back I realize all my friends had a thing, whether it was music, dancing, gymnastics, football. I didn’t even realize I was missing out.

My 9 year old was the same but is getting so much better. I realized we needed a reframe, I had made my goal in life to make sure she (and her brother) had the most fabulous life and experiences and everything was always ‘fun’ and what I ended up with was 2 kids who gave up on anything that was even a little bit hard and not a 100% ‘fun’ dopamine high experience! Not helping them in the slightest for the future, so we had to have some changes. My rule is you have to finish the commitment and you have to show up for your team. But I also say that there are some things we choose for you, that we think are good for a healthy body and mind and things you get to choose for your interests. Swimming/netball she does because I think they benefit her health wise and socially (playing in a team) and other things she can chose for her passion and enjoyment (currently piano, chess and football). If there’s a day she says she doesn’t want to go because shes tired/unwell etc that’s fine but other wise she shows up and puts the effort in, and if she goes with less than 100% that’s not ok and we let her know it. I don’t want to stifle her path and dreams but I also know she’s a child and isn’t capable of seeing the big picture yet so I need to make decisions and carve some of her path. We had a terrible time when she started netball, the girls her age had been going for a while and so were excellent and she just couldn’t keep up (but she would never say that just that she ‘didn’t like it’). We often had tears, but we persevered and I was the tough one when I need to be, then there were the leagues and medals and presentation evenings and now she’s all in. I also think it has to be more than just the training, get involved in the local clubs for the leagies and galas etc so they’re actually out there playing their peers, it makes a difference for motivation than just training week after week and not feeling there’s much to show for it. Good luck.

Oh and I saw someone mentioned ADHd. I’m fairly certain both my kids are ADHD (totally different presentations) and that I’m an undiagnosed ADHD adult, and this definitely rings a bell for me. Even as an adult I go from one hobby to another but mainly because I want to be able to do absolutely everything…from joinery to crochet to cooking 😂

This is what I’ve been trying to do. I’ve been trying to support her into trying new things and experiences to build her confidence but she is just so stubborn. She quite music lessons because she didn’t want to have practise at home, she’s quit tennis because she doesn’t want to have to do any running, she quit gymnastics because she couldn’t do a cart wheel and didn’t want to put any effort into practising. I want her to get some exercise and mingle with other kids and learn some new experiences. I also want her to become more resilient. Is there’s something she wants out of something then she’s fine, but I’m trying to teach her that sometimes we have to do things because we have to them.

Has she always been like this or could it be something else affecting her like hormones or some other medical reason?

Thank you for this comment. This is exactly my daughter. She is incredibly independent and has been from being a toddler. She is now a teen and in control of almost every aspect of her life aside from school, which fortunately she has decided is worth her time and enjoys excelling at, and certain health and safety decisions for which I take responsibility.
No way on earth would she have continued to do an activity that she didn't enjoy. In all honesty she has never enjoyed learning from others and always preferred to learn by herself, so this never actually happened, but she would have never backed down and knowing her she would have purposely refused to participate in any future lessons making the whole thing a waste of time. She would have said that a commitment where you commit to doing something for someone else is different to paying for something for yourself knowingly and choosing not to accept it.

Yep and I totally agree, life isn’t all about doing exactly what you want. What about a team sport where others are reliant on her showing up or things with tangible goals (medals) or if you want to try the swimming the badges/certificates to work towards? It might at least get the initial drive and then hopefully enjoyment will follow. It’s just about creating good habits, for not quitting for sticking stuff out and achieving goals. Wishing you the best, kids are such hard work at times 😩

They really aren’t they. And she’s my easy child! I also have a feral toddler to contend with.

Difficult, but the answer to all this is you.

Looks like you’ve been given a hard time here

I think at the age they want to do a lot but then their choices do narrow down further

my child quit piano after 3 years without a grade exam .. imagine £20 a lesson down th drain. Broke my heart

she also tried Hockey, Drama, Music, horse riding, netball, gymnastics, trampolining, swimming, dancing, film academy, chess, badminton a lot of these at the same time

now she is 11 and only does 3 clubs . We are relieved.

take it easy… let her explore

Do you think that she could be neurodiverse and find things a lot more overwhelming than the neuro typical person? Asking as I know fine motor skills are often lower in neuro diverse people too (but not always of course) and sensory over load is really disabling for many! So even thought she wants to do it it is incredibly hard in practice

I get the frustration here and wanting to ensure she isn't a "quitter" but at the same time would we force an adult to continue something they didn't enjoy doing?? No. Kids do need to be treated with a level of respect too. I'd ask her to attend 2 or 3 more sessions to give it proper try and if she still doesn't like it, ok fair enough. Give her some responsibilities around the house to complete. Reward charts have their place- not in every situation but for completing tasks so she can gain an understanding of reaping rewards for effort, I think they're good.

I used to quit everything. But then, I wonder if I only wanted to do them because the other girls were doing them, so didn't have an actual passion. The things I have stuck to have been the things I fancied, rather than cos others did it.
I also suspect my mum a happy for me to give them up, as it was easier for her. My kids have pretty much stuck to theirs all their lives. I do regret letting ds quit football so quickly though; I think he'd have had an easier passage through school with it.

Most children will quit anything that requires a little effort/practise, given half a chance. A tiny proportion are so naturally talented/passionate that they'll totally independently persevere from a young age. The vast majority of children who stick at music, a sport etc do so because they have parents who encourage it.

I had many moments as a child where practising at my hobbies was a pain and i was reluctant, but was raised in a family where quitting was simply not an option. By the time i was early teens i loved it, and had achieved a level of skill that made me proud. I am so grateful to my parents for making the choice i didn't have the foresight and maturity to make.

DS is now learning an instrument. We had some ups and downs but now he is really getting into it and is really feeling proud of how well he can play.

You say she quits everything. I'd say you let her quit everything.

I would also say starting new things age 9 is crap because the other kids your age will have been doing them years and be better than you, its no fun. She'll have too much catching up to do.

Can you identify something that most kids don't start till a bit later on and try that? A brass or woodwind instrument - you simply can't start some of these until a certain age as teeth have to have come in, or a less mainstream sport that people pick up as older kids/teens, like basketball or roller hockey? Or pick something where she has already got some basic skill to build on.

Its fine to pick back up something she stopped rather than start from square one - maybe less overwhelming.

And 9 is really late to start swimming. Has she not had any lessons at all? She is probably desperate because peers have been goimg for years and some will be strong swimmers almost finished with lessons.

Swimming was one my kids got no choice in. Lessons from reception onwards. Its a safety thing and an essential life skill.

I was never in a position financially until this year where I could afford swimming lessons.

She wants them now because she’s done some at school but will only do them at a certain pool which doesn’t fit in with our schedule.

And I’m not a crap parent so PP’s can piss off with that. She’s just incredibly stubborn.

Spoilt not stubborn. She knows you will give in to everything!

Is there somewhere where she can sit and do her homework/reading when she refuses to join in?
So she knows if she refuses, she still gets to stay and do something more boring instead...

“My child is definitely not neuro diverse. This was a mistake posting here. I was just at the end of my rag and needed to vent”

Are you a qualified psychiatrist? If not you’re not able to make that diagnosis. I feel sorry for your Daughter if she is because if so your failing her. I wish I would of been diagnosed a lot earlier in my life. Would of saved me from a lot of heartache over the years.
”It was a mistake posting here” Because you’re reading things you’d rather bury your head in the sand about.
People have offered good advice, your response? “It was a mistake posting here”

What an awful thing to say to someone you don't know... accuse them of failing their child? Wow.

It sounds like she wants to quit things because she can’t do them well straight away. My daughter is like this . Look up a growth mindset and flexible thinking. You can help her with that. The activities don’t matter but that mindset will hold her back in life. I think calling her lazy or spoilt or whatever will just alienate her. You need to build up her confidence and help her realise that anyone can be good at things if they practice.

You quoted it but didn’t read it.
You missed the IF. And it wasn’t an accusation - just a factual statement.

You need to find out why she keeps giving up it could be a confidence issue, or she might have PDA it’s a form of Autism where the child can’t cope and will suffer with high anxiety when pressures or demands are placed on them, they will avoid all sorts of social/day to day requests/expectations often getting others to do it for them.

@Elaina87 She is failing her child as she is rejecting the fact that her child may have ADHD, without a professional opinion. Believe me, children with this condition struggle in life, and as a result of not being diagnosed & treated suffer from other mental health issues like anxiety & depression. I speak from experience. I wish my ADHD was picked up on much earlier. Would of saved me a LIFETIME of struggling and feeling like a failure. Would you say a parent was failing their child if they didn’t get a medical issue dealt with? So it wasn’t an awful thing to say. It’s the truth!
I quoted her response. “My child is definitely not neuro diverse, I wish I hadn’t of come on here”
Wow.

You know literally nothing about my child so diagnosing my child over mumsnet is absolutely pathetic. Get a life.

I know she doesn’t ADHD or Autism due to what I do as a job, but thanks for your armchair diagnosis.