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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

208 replies

heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 12:15

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

OP posts:
muddlingthrou · 16/09/2023 12:19

You sound v.judgmental. What happened to her mum? Her dad? Being brought up by anyone other than your bio parents would translate into feelings of rejection, I'd imagine.

14 is a very difficult age. Maybe trying to understand and help would be better than looking down on her?

Perfect28 · 16/09/2023 12:23

It's not possible for a 14 year old to have a 31 year old boyfriend, she is being groomed abused and potentially raped and needs safeguarding.

titchy · 16/09/2023 12:27

So to clarify, an extremely vulnerable child is being sexually abused, has a very unstable home life and a guardian who cannot safely parent her. SS have removed her from that environment and placed her in a residential school in order to keep her safe.

And you think that's a bad thing? Fuck me Hmm

ExtraOnions · 16/09/2023 12:28

“She had an assessment and found nothing wrong” what sort of an assessment and by whom ?

AxolotlEars · 16/09/2023 12:51

All that stuff is telling the world something. At its most basic level "I am hurting on the inside and I don't know what to do about it" The loss of her mum, even though she has been with her aunt since a baby, is absolutely huge. She's not bad, she's sad. Even at 14, without significant help, she probably can't articulate what is going in inside her. The fostering, family care and adoption world is full of this stuff

PonyPatter44 · 16/09/2023 12:56

titchy · 16/09/2023 12:27

So to clarify, an extremely vulnerable child is being sexually abused, has a very unstable home life and a guardian who cannot safely parent her. SS have removed her from that environment and placed her in a residential school in order to keep her safe.

And you think that's a bad thing? Fuck me Hmm

Exactly this. Look, I have no doubt that the kid is a nightmare, but a lot of terrible things have happened and are happening to her.

Is there anything you could do to help?

PinkFootstool · 16/09/2023 12:58

So at 14 she's being sexually abused by a man in his 30s, is potentially at huge risk of County Lines and further sexual abuse by being missing for overnights and is lashing out at the people that love her?

She's a child. She's been rejected by her parents. She needs therapeutic parenting, not being dragged on the Internet for poor behaviour.

If social services are actually involved, the trip will be respite for both child and her foster mum and is an attempt to help them.

The police need to be informed of the "boyfriend". Urgently.

IamfeelingSad · 16/09/2023 13:50

One thing I don't mind is my taxes being spent on vulnerable children so crack on SS I say.
I have never heard SS pay for a private school so I am guessing they have a very good reason.
You might have been told her assessment was OK there could be a whole range of issues including keeping her safe from county lines.

Jackydaytona · 16/09/2023 13:53

Sounds like attachment disorder

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2023 13:59

She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out.
Or a child is processing a lot of trauma due to whatever issues that have led to her being raised outside her immediate family
She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend!
Safeguarding red flags all over here
Child sexual exploitation
Grooming
Potential issues of illegal images of children depending on the relationship
Unlikely to be a healthy relationship
Likely to have coercive elements

Also likely to set a pattern of behaviour and standards in relationships that makes her very vulnerable to abusive and coercive men in future, which in turn means future children of hers are at increased risk of harm because of her experiences as a child.
Social services have sent her to a private school
It's common to try and move vulnerable children so they can build healthy relationships away from the safeguarding concerns.
It's also common to view education as a way for vulnerable children to break the cycle.

and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday.
Trying to build positive family relationships

The girl is still playing up and being awful.
Why would a holiday magically fix trauma?
SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.
Not acceptable, but part of what is clearly (to anyone with half a brain cell) a complex situation
Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

You can't believe that a vulnerable child might require a complex package of support? Really? 🙄

Original poster
heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 14:11

titchy · 16/09/2023 12:27

So to clarify, an extremely vulnerable child is being sexually abused, has a very unstable home life and a guardian who cannot safely parent her. SS have removed her from that environment and placed her in a residential school in order to keep her safe.

And you think that's a bad thing? Fuck me Hmm

Completely wrong! She has had a very stable upbringing. Always lived in the same place, her aunt is married to the same man she's aways known and had no problems. She has not been removed from anywhere, she is still at home with her aunt! There's no residential school. Fuck me, learn comprehension! Its a private school but she comes home normally.

OP posts:
Damnbrsatz · 16/09/2023 14:14

OMG I cant believe what I have just read. That poor, poor child. Removed from her mother as a baby, excluded from 2 schools, taken from her aunt to a "private" school which is probably nothing of the sort but most likely a residential school for children with behavior problems. She probably has a severe attachment disorder and feelings of shame and self hatred and is trying to push everyone away. She needs love and support, not anger and judgement. And yes, I do know what I am talking about, having brought up my own niece from an early age which nearly ended in me having a nervous break down when she was about age 14. You sound jealous and judgemental.

Curiosity101 · 16/09/2023 14:14

Also worth noting that her birth mother was 'ill'. You didn't expand on it but there could also be a genetic element to this behaviour.

On the face of it if SS were only paying for a holiday and private school then I might raise an eyebrow. But as part of a bigger plan (which I suspect it is) then I can understand that taking her away from current friendship groups/influences to a school with smaller classes (which private school would do) and giving them a holiday for your SIL and niece to allow them a chance to rest before the 'real' work begins would also make sense.

I can't see how coming down hard on a 14 year old in these circumstances would be helpful. If you take away all her things and don't foster good relationships then you're likely to push her further into risk and towards abusers (such as a 31 y/o 'boyfriend').

TeaKitten · 16/09/2023 14:16

This 14 year old is being sexually abused by an adult and is clearly having a hard time, your SIL is doing everything she can to keep her family together and niece safe and is getting help with this. And you are annoyed she’s being rewarded for ‘bad behaviour’, unreal. You are being far too judgemental.

Original poster
heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 14:17

PonyPatter44 · 16/09/2023 12:56

Exactly this. Look, I have no doubt that the kid is a nightmare, but a lot of terrible things have happened and are happening to her.

Is there anything you could do to help?

Show quote history

Hang on, she had a lovely childhood and sees her mum regularly with no issues. There is nothing in her upbringing to have caused this at all. She has been treated well by her aunt. I can see I'm talking to a load of liberal idiots here and I bet in the same situation you would not put up with it either!

OP posts:
cardibach · 16/09/2023 14:18

OP - using ‘liberal’ as an insult and calling people idiots isn’t doing you any favours here.

Original poster
heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 14:20

muddlingthrou · 16/09/2023 12:19

You sound v.judgmental. What happened to her mum? Her dad? Being brought up by anyone other than your bio parents would translate into feelings of rejection, I'd imagine.

14 is a very difficult age. Maybe trying to understand and help would be better than looking down on her?

Her mum was very ill after she was born and still has some health issues so girl stayed with her aunt. Her dad was a sailor who went away before mum found out she was pregnant. She was embraced by her aunt and had a lovely life, she still sees her mum regularly. There have been NO problems in her childhood at all. She's just a brat!

OP posts:
Luciansmum6 · 16/09/2023 14:21

It sounds like trauma and a personality disorder but they don’t tent to diagnose those in teens so likely why they “found nothing wrong”. Normal adjusted kids don’t behave like that. It does pee me off though at the holiday- I work really hard and my kids are mostly brilliant and we’ve never been able to go on holiday.

FedUpMumof10YO · 16/09/2023 14:22

'Sailor' 😂

saraclara · 16/09/2023 14:22

What kind of 'private school' is this? Because SS are not going to send a very troubled teen who's been expelled twice, to what you would think of as a normal private school.
And I'm guessing the 'holiday' wasn't your normal kind of holiday either.

Original poster
heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 14:22

cardibach · 16/09/2023 14:18

OP - using ‘liberal’ as an insult and calling people idiots isn’t doing you any favours here.

To be fair, the people replying are not being very nice to me either! Like I said, if they were dealing with this they would be fed up too!

OP posts:
Damnbrsatz · 16/09/2023 14:22

It doesn't matter if she had a lovely upbringing and a stable home with her aunt, who I am sure is lovely. She has still suffered trauma, the neural pathways in her brain would have stopped developing when she was removed from her primary caretaker, from her mother, from the only person she, as a baby, had a bond with. Now, those pathways can be rebuilt but the trauma is still there. We are only just beginning to learn how early detachment from a mother, in whose womb they've grown, heard her voice for 9 months etc can affect people their whole lives.

Noorandapples · 16/09/2023 14:23

What would your solution be?

Tismmum · 16/09/2023 14:24

If social services are using boarding school and a holiday to help her make new relationships and have separation from the man who is grooming him, then it is great use of their funds and quite a creative solution to this situation because it's going to appeal to her, and not seem like a punishment, but also have the desired effect of getting her into a safer situation, and hopefully help to start her repair her relationship with her care giver

TeaKitten · 16/09/2023 14:25

heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 14:20

Her mum was very ill after she was born and still has some health issues so girl stayed with her aunt. Her dad was a sailor who went away before mum found out she was pregnant. She was embraced by her aunt and had a lovely life, she still sees her mum regularly. There have been NO problems in her childhood at all. She's just a brat!

Show quote history

Just a brat, simple as that ey? Aren’t you lovely. Do you blame her for the adult who’s grooming her as well? You did list her ‘boyfriend’ as bad behaviour.