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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

208 replies

heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 12:15

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

OP posts:
Studswagger · 17/09/2023 10:21

heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 16:08

Believe me when I say I am fully there for my SIL. I even tried to help with her niece in the beginning by taking her out to places. She was very demanding, wanted me to buy her several things (happy to buy an ice cream etc) and when i said no she shouted and called me horrible names. She storms off back to the car and just says she hates us and will wait in the car until we come back. Obviously we just came back. I have always been polite to her and involved in her life from a baby. She is horribly cruel and laughs at people and their flaws like a big nose and even a man with one leg. This has only started since February. I do feel attacked on here but I have a thick skin and know most people would act differently to how they are on here in the same situation!

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@heavenhelpmenow all this has started since February? So she has been expelled twice and become violent and unmanageable in the last 6 months?

KayohB · 17/09/2023 10:35

Also, it’s very easy to preach empathy and understanding when you’re not the one getting punched in the face or watching it happen to someone your care for (by someone you care for). I have a lot of empathy for the niece, to me she sounds like she is struggling and in pain. I can also imagine the OP’s utter frustration at the situation.

PonyPatter44 · 17/09/2023 11:40

I like that I'm being called a liberal idiot when I literally spend my entire life working with the adult versions of the niece, and dealing with the fallout from their early trauma.

If you are telling the truth about all this only starting in February (and SS arranged private school and a cruise in SIX MONTHS from first referral!!!) when did she start spending time with this adult man? Could it have been roughly six to eight months ago?

Traverseedubosphore · 17/09/2023 11:53

KayohB · 17/09/2023 10:35

Also, it’s very easy to preach empathy and understanding when you’re not the one getting punched in the face or watching it happen to someone your care for (by someone you care for). I have a lot of empathy for the niece, to me she sounds like she is struggling and in pain. I can also imagine the OP’s utter frustration at the situation.

Actually I think this is wrong. Those of us who have long term experience of violent and challenging behaviour, whether arising from disabilities or trauma, will typically be compassionate, and opposed to child or parent blaming narratives.

Traverseedubosphore · 17/09/2023 12:19

KayohB · 17/09/2023 10:18

I hope your SIL gets the help she needs to be safe, I can understand why you’re so worried and why the holiday in particular doesn’t seem to make sense. I’d hazard a guess that social services are desperate to keep your SIL on board and will throw whatever they can at what is a very serious problem. If your SIL was her biological
mother and not, what I imagine to be from your posts, a dedicated and incredibly patient foster mother, I wonder what people would be saying then. It’s very clear your niece is unhappy and has serious issues. Even with a secure and loving long-term home since babyhood, she could be dealing with some incredibly difficult emotions and feelings of abandonment around her family situation now she’s a teenager. She could also just not be very nice but I think you said this is a recent turn. That doesn’t make it okay to be violent and disrespectful to those who love and care for her though and allowing her to act that way won’t help her to adjust to a happy and healthy adulthood.

It’s a really sad situation and I think having you on her side and showing concern will be really helpful to your SIL. From the judgment you got here, I worry how parents in similar situations find the courage to speak out when they are being violently assaulted by their child.

I hope your SIL and your niece get the help they need and can return to enjoying a loving family relationship in the near future.

Parents who speak out typically don't feel the need to demonise their children, but to seek to understand their distress, and find ways to relieve it and keep everyone safe.

The judging usually comes from the 'they are naughty and just need a good wallop', brigade who appear united by their disinterest in the evidence base on child development and by a psychological urge to punish children or other parents.

LolaSmiles · 17/09/2023 12:44

The judging usually comes from the 'they are naughty and just need a good wallop', brigade who appear united by their disinterest in the evidence base on child development and by a psychological urge to punish children or other parents
That's my experience too.

I've met far more parents in my career who are crying out for help and support than I have who are of the nasty judgemental mindset.
I've also seen loads of families be told the issues aren't severe enough to warrant support and intervention, even when lots of professionals are writing supporting statements and referrals to support the family.

Then you have someone like the OP who seems to think there's a magic money tree that allows spoilt little brats with idyllic childhoods to be given holidays for no reason and reward their behaviour. 🙄

Teder · 17/09/2023 13:33

YABU.

Ensuring a child has access to education is not “rewarding them”, it is meeting their basic needs. The people who know the DD will have assessed her social, emotional and education needs and deemed this particular school to be appropriate. Funding for private schools are for specialist cases. They have obviously deemed this as one of those.

The holiday is respite. I cannot see how this will be respite for either SIL or DD though. I think offering it, at this point, was misguided. If the DD is violent towards SIL and seems to want to get away from her, I don’t know if she will actually enjoy the break.

I have empathy for the SIL and the DD. I hope SIL has people in her life who don’t refer to her child as a brat. The behaviour is appalling and totally unacceptable. She’s not a brat though nor any of the other things she’s been labelled as by OP. She’s acting out some huge internal turmoil. SIL and DD need help from people who understand, not judgmental people who have zero ability to empathise with both of their needs.

Castleview6 · 17/09/2023 23:52

heavenhelpmenow · 16/09/2023 15:55

That's what social services call him! This is not about jealousy but just questioning how SS are dealing with it! There's obviously no way she can be a self entitled, spoiled girl is there? They don't exist do they? 🙄
Clearly, the abuse by this man is unacceptable but nobody is doing anything about it. I have tried and worked with the police. It's her behaviour towards my nearly 60 year old SIL that I talking about. How would you like to be beaten up because you tried to set boundaries or would not keep giving her money to buy vapes??

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I doubt SS would call him a boyfriend as any sexual relationship with an under 16 is rape. If they are saying this you need to escalate your concerns as they are failing to protect a vulnerable child.

also, attachment starts before birth and it seems very obvious this is what she is suffering from

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