Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

[heavenhelpmenow]

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

Jesus take the wheel.

You come across really bad. Are you part of this young girl's life? Is she a victim of your nastiness? Could you have it in you to give her the gift to mind your own business and never contact the poor soul again? Let the social service deal with it... You are toxic.

I actually think your SIL is keeping you out of the loop and lying to you to get you off her back. If this thread is real, you are a horrible, horrible person...

OP you've asked if it is appropriate for SS to be spending money on school fees and holidays and been told many times that it is. It would cost far more to have her in foster care.
Near us is a fee paying day school, originally a quaker school which has a small behaviour unit which takes referrals from local state schools. Maybe it is something like this. Even if not, it probably is a good move to get her away from bad influences, a fresh start, maybe improve her self esteem.
The holiday sounds like a grant from a charity where they are given a budget and able to choose a holiday. Did you know that the owner of Timpsons shoe repair gives away holidays each year to foster families and those in kinship care?
The aunt sounds like she needs your love and support, not criticism of her niece who she probably loves massively.
Everyone needs to be doing more about the 31 year old - that is terrifying

Are you also 14?

Omg

This is NOT the girl’s fault.

He is NOT a boyfriend - he is a PAEDOPHILE!!! She is a CHILD.

All of her behaviour is symptomatic of that.

As for how private school may help

1. nicer well brought up children
2. better education/opportunities
3. more pastoral support
4. more security around the school - very often abusers will groom the child’s friends to get access to them and they will come and pick them up near school.

Breaking her connection with the previous school considering all of this started when she was placed there seems essential.

Perhaps the holiday is to allow her to heal and bond with her Aunt.

I hope they arrest that man. Danger to society.

"Her childhood was idyllic"

She's 14 and being sexually abused.

OP is not asking how to help SIL navigate through the ordeal, though? She is asking if the social services are spoiling a rotten horny brat with a dream life.

If she had asked if the behaviour was inacceptable and if her SIL would be right to take steps to protect herself, she might have received a nicer answer.

That's what social services call him! This is not about jealousy but just questioning how SS are dealing with it! There's obviously no way she can be a self entitled, spoiled girl is there? They don't exist do they? 🙄
Clearly, the abuse by this man is unacceptable but nobody is doing anything about it. I have tried and worked with the police. It's her behaviour towards my nearly 60 year old SIL that I talking about. How would you like to be beaten up because you tried to set boundaries or would not keep giving her money to buy vapes??

How is she a brat? She's a young girl being sexually abused, god knows what the 31 year old is doing to her at night, and nobody is willing to step in and help her. They're all going on about how she doesn't deserve what she has.

It is absolutely disgusting & completely inappropriate to compare this child’s behaviour in any way to Lucy Letby. You should ask for that post to be deleted.

I think in the long term it will be a good thing, if it helps her and her family. It will be a good thing for society if it reduces the tax burden, I.e. police, SS, hospitals, welfare etc etc and became a valued citizen.

I give my SIL a lot of help and support. I have worked with the police regarding her boyfriend but he is not being arrested. Yes I have had many replies about the private school and accept what people are saying regarding this. I am concerned for my SIL and doing on holiday with her niece. If they are in a foreign country and my niece attacks her, what then? Some countries would not be lenient like here! Its just my own personal opinion that it won't work.

Attachment starts when the child is in the womb. Please don't underestimate how this may have impacted her brain development and emotional regulation. We all need to be understood before we can 'correct' our behaviour. She needs the people supporting her to try and understand what her behaviour is trying to communicate before expecting her to change it.

Bratish behaviour - Staying out late and vaping

Abuse - ‘Boyfriend’ being an adult

Her being taken away from her mum can not be classed as ‘Nothing bad in her childhood as happened’ and how would you really know? Noone knows!

She is not with her mum, even if she sees her regular and maybe thats what she really wants

Who has assessed her? Because it sounds like she has mental health problems

NONE of her situation is normal

You are wildly ignorant about attachment disorder for children who are adopted (which technically your niece was). Please Google it. It can happen from birth and she displays typical signs of it.

She does not have a 31 year old boyfriend she is being abused. This is a vulnerable child.

Believe me when I say I am fully there for my SIL. I even tried to help with her niece in the beginning by taking her out to places. She was very demanding, wanted me to buy her several things (happy to buy an ice cream etc) and when i said no she shouted and called me horrible names. She storms off back to the car and just says she hates us and will wait in the car until we come back. Obviously we just came back. I have always been polite to her and involved in her life from a baby. She is horribly cruel and laughs at people and their flaws like a big nose and even a man with one leg. This has only started since February. I do feel attacked on here but I have a thick skin and know most people would act differently to how they are on here in the same situation!

I have never read on OP where the poster was so devoid of compassion or empathy. It truly is an inhuman response from her.

I have always been a part of her life and never been nasty to her. She was a lovely child that loved coming to stay with us or come out with us. Why am I toxic? I don't abuse her or treat her badly.
SIL is doing no such thing, I support her massively and she and my husband would vehemently disagree I was horrible person. I am entitled to an opinion that might be wildly different to yours but that does not make me a horrible person. You have left a nasty message to me so perhaps look at yourself....

Thank you for a logical answer. Yes, the police and social services know all about him but are doing nothing.

OP: AIBU?

Overwhelming majority of thread: Yes. Here is your arse.

OP: You're all liberal lefty clueless woke snowflakes! What would you know anyway? This girl used to be lovely and this behaviour has come out of nowhere and there can DEFINITELY be no other reasons for it than she's a brat!

Let her storm back to the car. Don’t give her what she wants. Cruelty comes from a place of hurt, I saw that it mine and my daughter’s bullies - in any bully in fact. Talking is the only way to get through this sort of thing but I fear her behaviour has escalated due to the abuse and the people around her are now not sure how to deal with it.

Do you mean the "bad" behaviour only started in February? The violence, expulsions, language, running away, unkindness etc.

@heavenhelpmenow

If you can on here and told of this girl’s behaviour as standard everyone would 100% be empathising and saying probably not appropriate to give “treats”.

But her situation is not standard, it’s not normal AT ALL.

She has likely got an attachment disorder via not having her parents in her life and this dreadful behaviour is new - February didn’t you say? So 6 months. Probably around the time the “boyfriend” appeared.

Please understand the impact this will be having on her. He may be filming her, exposing her to sex toys, being violent and threatening. Any number of things that a child wouldn’t be able to cope with and she will be too groomed to tell.

This is a categorical mess. She is being subjected to far far worse than your SiL and I think she needs to be the primary concern. It is hugely serious.

If they have placed her in a school according to her needs and given a respite break (or if a charity have) then all well and good. I don’t know why you are fixated on it when the child is in danger. She could be killed, you do realise that? She’s not just at risk from him; there will be other predatory men around her.

Honestly, I despair for her if the adults around are focusing on something so stupid as a few fees paid.

@AxolotlEars

I agree.

Something is going badly wrong here.

And to say a child won't be deeply affected by parental rejection is incredibly naive.