Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

[heavenhelpmenow]

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

She won't be in a private school she will be in a residential setting with high staff to young person ratio, therapy, education and other support.

It's not Disneyland or a reward.

This is obviously a very vulnerable young person who needs a lot of support.

Nobody missed that bit. It’s just that we don’t think she is behaving like this just because she is a brat (who had an idyllic childhood).

Not jealous at all just amazed that SS think that going to a fancy school and having a nice holiday is going to change anything! So in your view, anyone that has a different view is jealous?

So your SIL has spent the last 14 years bringing up her niece, who is now physically hurting her. Sounds like therapy to deal with attachment issues than sending on a holiday where the abuse could continue would be more appropriate with a holiday at the end. The cost of fees for school, is probably less than a placement elsewhere.

Did you not read? She is going to a private school that's fee paying and coming home normally after school and at weekends. She doesn't reside there!

Trying to be kind to you OP, have you spoken to your SiL about how you can help and support her? Presumably she is very worried about the ways her niece is behaving apart from the danger to herself. Is this all quite recent?

What assessment did she have and who did it.

Both dd and ds were told there is nothing wrong with them and what ever behaviour and struggles they had they would grow out of

Dd was diagnosed as dyslexic at 15. Too late to make up for the years of schooling she struggled through

DS was diagnosed in college. Both assessors said that they should look at having an adhd assessment.

Both now diagnosed with ADHD as adults
Both now waiting for their autism assessment.

Having one assessment and being told nothing wrong is something that is common.

You have to be specific in the assessments
An ADHD assessment is different to an Autism assessment
A BPD assessment is different to an assessment for bipolar
(Different forms and different questions)

You don’t have one general assessment and tick a few boxes and it comes out with a diagnosis

Even if it did, knowing Camhs they would say nothing is wrong anyway

Blimey!

So this girl has an ill mother who she hasn’t been able to live with and no father.

Taken in by Aunt who can’t parent her and leaves her pray to a man who is sexually abusing her - right now. And they’re doing fa about it.

Wonderful she’s getting the opportunity at private school and a cruise coming from an underprivileged background and particularly with her current circumstances.

It strikes me the damage done to her is so severe this just may be the start of very many more dysfunctional years.

I hope for her sake the good influences she is around will help lift her out of this. And that the man is arrested with the guardians charged for their culpability in this matter.

I'm really not getting the attachment issues thing. She has been with my aunt as the caregiver from 2 weeks old. She didn't build an attachment to her mum so it wasn't broken to leave my niece with issues.
My SIL can't cope with being hurt all the time, she nearly 60!

So it's acceptable for her to black her aunts eye and split her lip?!

She'd be in foster care if it was me.

She is being sexually abused as a child if she has a 31 year old ‘boyfriend’ I.E. abuser

She lived with her aunt from 2 weeks old. Her aunt is not leaving her prey at all, the girl is beating her up and running off somewhere. The police are called to find her and return her home. This 'boyfriend' has only just started and SS and police are fully aware but are allowing it to continue! What is SIL supposed to do? Perhaps in your holier than though opinion you could enlighten is! She's not from an underprivilged background at all, they are upper middle class!!

OP, why did you post here?

Do you want to help the child or not?

OP the tax payers money being invested in this young lady to try and keep her in education, get her exams passes, make friends with nice, normal aspirational kids her own age will all contribute to her having a much better chance at life. Do you know children in foster care cost the taxpayer thousands a month? Also the holiday is probably designed to help restore the difficult relationship they’re having and give this girl something nice to think about and do. I do not believe in punishment as a way to get kids to stay in line, because it’s pointless. They need to develop their own moral compass and make good choices for themselves.
my daughter was an absolute beast for a couple of years, it extended to damaging my home and running away and all sorts. I never threatened her, I never punished her. I never shouted at her. I just let her see the damage and hurt it caused and as she matured and developed a conscience she became the loveliest young lady you could wish to meet. This girl will likely come through this but she won’t if the relationship breaks down and she runs off to live with some bloke though.

All behaviour is communication. You are not qualified to diagnose her as simply ‘a brat’.

Ok but what do you expect my SIL to do? SS are aware and the police who are letting it happen! SIL is being attacked regularly and girl running off.

Your niece has experienced a traumatic early life, maybe attachment difficulties due to change of her carer, and is now being sexually exploited by an adult, and you choose to believe she's just a bad kid?

You are entirely in the wrong.

She also has not "had an assessment that says she is just acting out" because there is no such assessment. She may have had an assessment that says she does not have a neurodisablity, but there are other explanations.

Honestly, I can't decide whether you are just willfully ignorant regarding the difficulties she is experiencing, or just a person entirely lacking in compassion.

No one is paying for a holiday in order to encourage her challenging behaviour. I suspect it is a disruption tactic to the sexual exploitation (which most people can appreciate is the fault of the adult, not the child) with a secondary gain if strengthening her relationship with her caregiver.

Assuming she has PR, she needs to explore whether a CAWN can be issued.

@heavenhelpmenow having a non conventional upbringing will feel like rejection. Her mum didn’t raise her like most of her peers would have been raised. I understand the reasons and it sounds like everyone did their best for the child but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel rejected.

could the mum step in and speak to her?

I am very surprised any private school
would take her

The fighting, expulsions and the older bf are akin to my friends teen except she was assessed as having ADHD (I was similar in my teens, minus the older bf although I did get married at 17 to someone in their mid 20s) They struggles with the decision to put her on meds but when they did and she found her right dose the difference was incredible

I think that whilst her aunt has given her an idyllic childhood the fact that now she is older it is probably dawning in her that neither of her parents want her.

Nit it sure what her mother’s disability is but I suggest she is looking around and trying to replace her father figure with the older bf and her aunt is someone who “took” her from her mother

etc

You’ve given an example of an adult male grooming and sexually abusing a child as an example of a “very naughty teen”

Your bigoted obnoxious views have no place on a parenting forum.

Im hoping this is just trolling.
Her dad was a sailor who went away sure.

No, but someone who speaks so disparagingly about a troubled child who is being sexually abused and describes the child's abuser as her "boyfriend" is probably jealous.

I hope she has a nice time on her holiday while you sit at home frothing with jealousy because a sexually abused child is getting a holiday.

OP isn't asking for any advise though. She wants to mouth off about her privileged niece who despite being sexually abused and having a mum who she still doesnt live with, even though they have an amazing relationship, is nothing but a gobshite who should be thankful for her life.

OP did not ask for advice. She’s indulging in rants about ‘taxpayers’, ‘liberal idiots’, social services sending people on cruises and to private schools. She’s arguing against the people pointing out the obvious child trauma etc. Vile.

That wasn't my question. It was that I wanted answers to if people thought it was right to send a child to private school and give holidays in response to her behaviour. I can't help her and neither can my SIL, her caregiver, not for want of trying.