Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

[heavenhelpmenow]

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

This is one of the weirdest responses I’ve read on here in a long time.

She's 14 and being Abused by a 31 year old man no wonder she's acting up massive safeguarding issue

The attachment comes from knowing her aunt isn't her mum and society placing so much on how wonderful mums are. Not all adopted/ fostered children suffer this, but there are a high percentage even those who have had a stable upbringing - it can be searching for the missing.

There is the chance that there has been impacts on her development as a foetus, depending on the illness her mum had/has.

No-one should have to live with physical violence

One of the things that could possibly make this worse for SiL is discovering a close family member has been describing her situation together with judgey comments on the internet. You might want to get the thread pulled to avoid that?

Sadly some kids gp off the rails no matter what the background. I do think your underestimating the impact of living with aunt and 'visiting mum', its not a normal set up and some kids don't cope with being different in any way

@heavenhelpmenow .bet you wish you hadnt posted!!! Youve been ripped to shreds, mainly from those call you judgemental not asking questions(ie establish non res school)then make out your some sorta cold hearted nasty.
Its a funny old world.
i didnt actually think you came in unsymapathetic. Most actions by social services are questionable.
As far as school goes,i think its positive they've got her into one at all.The fact it costs money makes no difference really.shes a child and entitled to education.
The "boyfriend"is utterly vile.Even if she is a foul mouthed little witch with stinking attitude. Thats awful.
Not sure what you can actually do given updates re ss/police being "aware" -is crazy they banging on bout ban breeds of dogs but paedos are free to roam.
WHO exactly did assesment?and what for?
Attachment is always going to prelude any sorta behavioural issue-regardless of how well her home-life set up looks.
Its NOT normal "teen"behaviour to be a gobshite,aggressive,violent.
Thats utterly unacceptable-in scotland i think criminal procedures would apply.
I understand youre interpretation about rewarding her with holiday. to be honest-her poor aunt gony be in close confinement with an abusive teen doesnt exactly paint a pretty picture.
There has to be a proper safeguard plan -that includes her NOT being able to continue with the violence. She will end up some sorta institutionalised(prob cost more than fees/holiday#)and thats pretty shite given shes only 14 and obvioouusly so troubled. i think full psychiatric assesment and trauma informed is essential moving forward.

I’m sure she’s doing all she can and it sounds like SS are too by putting her into a specific school and paying for a holiday. Police need to pull their fingers out.

No, I was talking about beating up my SIL, stealing etc. I went on to say that she had a much older boyfriend just to explain other things that were happening. I don't see how I'm bigoted or obnoxious for wondering how a private school and a holiday would make the girl better!

I feel sorry for you OP and hope you are ok as I think alot of people are being unnecessarily nasty to you!!

Not missing that at all.

The attacks in the aunt are further evidence of the need for intervention to support the whole family.

Secure accommodation is the last resort though and can only be applied in specific circumstances - which she is not far off from.

There are other steps that need to be tried first before she meets the criteria for secure.

That's not hand wringing.

What is distasteful is the OP calling this girl a brat and going on about rewards when there's clearly a vulnerable young girl in trouble. Being abused and possibly raped. Definitely suffering.

Sorry I’m not engaging with this goady nonsense.

An adult abusing a child is never a “boyfriend “ don’t be bloody ridiculous, there’s no excuse for your attitude. It stinks.

I guess you’d like to see this girl “taught a lesson” rather than supported by social services.

@NewKidOnTheBlock99 The OP is the nastiest poster on the thread, by far.

Excellent summation of the situation.

Just because she moves in with her aunt at 2 weeks old, doesn't mean she doesn't have attachment issues. She might still feel rejected as she doesn't have a "normal" relationship with your mum. Relationship issues with parents affects even adults, let alone a child. Children aren't naughty for no reason. Has she had therapy? She probably feels she's going down this slippery slope and can't stop and needs help. She might see if her mum didn't want her, the schools don't want her. And how she's being preyed on by a man that is showing her "he wants her" so of course she's drawn to him. I feel extremely sorry for her.

@heavenhelpmenow

Inclined to agree with others that you’re not actually here to help the child and don’t give a stuff about her as you have railed against anyone who isn’t in agreement with you about her being a spoilt little madam.

The Aunt is leaving her prey if she cannot parent her or meet her needs. It’s quite clear she can’t as she has totally come off the rails, her behaviour is abominable and she is in increasingly dangerous situations that she should not be in.

SIL should be asking for more outside help, perhaps even a male relative about the house to help try and put in boundaries and discipline. The girl needs therapy- urgently, she is under control of the paedophile and this may have been going on some time. Very often girls like this have had prior experiences of rape and abuse which normalise the behaviour to them and open the gateway for more. I can’t help but feel that the abnormal parental set up has left her vulnerable and it definitely sounds, if she is striking out and such, that she can’t communicate what is going on effectively. Or can’t face up to it. Her behaviour is very typical of abuse victims.

I don’t get why that isn’t your primary concern. This is horrendous and it may have already utterly ruined her life.

And don’t be bloody ridiculous - if she was upper middle class she would already be in private school and going on nice holidays. Or it wouldn’t be such a “thing” to you.

In any event she has no active parents and is being molested which sounds pretty underprivileged to me.

Agreed

Yes, it can be.

If she has an EHCP (which she may well for SEMH needs) then the Local Authority may fund a private school if it will meet her needs especially if it works out cheaper than a special school, which it may well do. This isn't a reward for her behaviour, it's finding a school which will meet her needs.

Holidays are usually under the header of "respite" although I've never heard of an LA funding a cruise before. Respite isn't a reward for her behaviour, it's breathing space away from the area and the family home.

If respite and a named independent school would serve to keep this child with her family then the LA are right to fund it.

I am not surprised that they will pull out all the stops if there is a risk of a child otherwise going into s.20 care.

I am very surprised if the help offered hasn't also included a family support worker, referral to CAMHS, therapy / counselling and so on, because that is where they would usually start.

You sound very judgemental. If I were your SIL I'd be paying for the private school and cruise and telling you they were funded by the LA just to watch you fume. Are you sure that's not a possibility here? A cruise sounds particularly unlikely. The school like I say could well be named on an EHCP.

Certain private schools can definitely help, they’ll have more focus on the issues, engagement, smaller classes and often (unfortunately for public schools) more qualified teachers and resources. The holiday we don’t know enough about, that’s not the usual so there must be specific reasons for this, maybe more aimed at your Sil. I don’t think these are steps to ‘make her better’ rather trying to improve their relationship. Her behaviour is out of order but it’s for a myriad of reasons which you listed. It doesn’t matter how great her childhood has been, she was brought up by someone who isn’t her mother and she doesn’t know her Dad, that’s where the feelings of rejection and resentment will come from no matter how amazing your sil has been.

I do agree that her behaviour is unacceptable, and without seeing what else SS are doing, paying for a holiday for your aunt to deal with her on a cruise without a support network does not appear to be the best course of action.
I would have thought relationship therapy for both of them and a holiday as a reward for an improvement in behaviour might be better for both parties.
I do think she will be aware she has had a non-conventional upbringing and that should be explored with her to support her to accept it. Also, the older BF is a disaster waiting to happen. Your aunt is in an impossible position if SS are permitting it.
Again without knowing all the facts, could she not have stayed with her biological mother with lots of support from your aunt?I guess it’s somewhat irrelevant now 14 years later.
I certainly think your aunt needs support, dealing with this is tough and lots of other people would have given up. It takes a very special person to raise someone else’s child.

To be frank, I’d imagine that social service have far more experience and expertise in dealing with troubled children than you. Particularly since only a few post ago you were referring to her abuser as her ‘boyfriend’.

Exactly. The Op clearly knows about children.

Could absolutely apply

What do you think would make her better?

Would a 14 year old choose a cruise as a holiday? Genuine question (don't think my teens would have but it was never an option for them to consider)

When you say private school, is it a PRU (pupil referral unit)? Is it because they think she’d benefit from smaller class sizes?

Maybe the holiday is intended as respite for your SIL, who it sounds like needs a break.

None if what you describe sounds like a reward to me, it sounds like a targeted intervention for a kid who - for whatever reason - is clearly really struggling.

What would you rather they did? Put her in a children’s home? A young offenders unit? Would that be what your SIL would want?