Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

[heavenhelpmenow]

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

The poor girl has clearly suffered developmental trauma and may well have attachment disorder. She needs support, not criticism - connections before corrections. Is the school an independent special school? She needs to be in a trauma informed setting with access to therapeutic intervention. OP, please look at the work of Louise Bomber, Dan Hughes (especially PACE), Margot Sutherland and educate yourself.

Eh, OP she is a child. 🙄

I agree with what everyone else has said.

I am just being honest and saying that I was involved in her life and didn't see anything that would make her like this. If anything, my SIL was too indulging and girl is now behaving in a very self entitled and obnoxious way. However, it was not my business so I didn't say anything as it wasn't my place. Just remember that all these people condemning me on here cannot say how they would be in a similar situation. I can't keep feeling sorry for a 14 year old that keeps beating up my SIL who is nearly 60! I understand the sexual abuse is a separate issue.

@Incywincywoo completely agree. This is so scary to read on all levels. Why is nobody doing anything about this man?

Sounds like attachment difficulties. Her behaviour very much relates to that.

It won't matter how much her aunt loved her, how much she sees her mum, being raised separately from your biological,parent who is unwell can cause trouble with attachments. The resulting behaviour is then to lush those closest to you away.

@heavenhelpmenow the sexual abuse isn't a separate issue!!!! Its all mixed together. If she wasn't being groomed and sexually exploited by this man then possibly her behaviour would be better. She's taking her anger and frustrations out on the one person she knows loves her.

OP what do you think should happen to troubled kids with likely attachment disorders and who are being sexually abused?

Do you think punishing them will provide better outcomes and stop them from being troubled and/ or sexually abused?

Or do you think good education and respite might actually help them like most of us do?

I'm puzzled by your posts, quite clearly this child's behaviour is challenging and no one should have to be put up with being physically attacked but I'm not sure what you want/ expect to happen?

How odd.

You think me suggesting the OP is jealous that this child is being taken on holiday is more weird than the OP calling a 31 year old sexual predator the child's "boyfriend"?

Hmm.

In light of the fact that this child has only had issues for a few months, The main issue appears to be her being groomed and abused by a paedophile- including her staying out all night and having violent outbursts.

At least after 7 pages of comments you are now calling him an abuser.

One clear way to help your niece is to gather evidence against this man to take to the police; including any phone or online communication from him.

Folding your arms and tutting about social services’ involvement on chat forums isn’t a great look. The whole tone of this thread is off.

I get the impression you think she’s a naughty girl who deserves a good hiding.

Not really... 40% of people agree with @heavenhelpmenow

And I agree that you'd all be giving different responses if you had to deal with this kind of behaviour day in, day out 😣

There is nothing in her upbringing to have caused this at all

There have been NO problems in her childhood at all. She's just a brat!

How can people be this clueless about attachment? OP you should be ashamed of yourself for the way you view this child. And I venture to suggest that your SIL probably doesn't find you very helpful, if this is the attitude you display towards the troubled child she is trying to parent. Your judgement and lack of understanding is palpable.

You sound awful and should be ashamed of yourself!

You've no idea whether any other posters have to deal with this kind of behaviour day in day out. I have an adopted 15 year old, I can readily understand some of what's going on here. Unlike the OP, who just seems to see this child as a spoiled brat.

I presume it is the LEA that are paying for the school not social services. What type of private school is it? That are lots of private schools for SEN, SEMH etc. It could be that the school was put forward as a suggestion when trying to find her a new placement - where it seems a regular state secondary is not meeting her needs. Permanent exclusion doesn't happen willy nilly - your niece sounds like she needs a lot of help, swift interventions to get her education back on track. Even so-called 'naughty' or 'spoilt, entitled' children as you OP would put it, have the right to an education, and it may be the case that their educational setting may cost the taxpayer a bit more than other children - if that means they are able to obtain some qualifications and contribute to society then surely that it is a good thing.

And I agree that you'd all be giving different responses if you had to deal with this kind of behaviour day in, day out 😣

I have had to deal with this kind of behaviour from my own child when his mental health was at an all time low due to undiagnosed SEN .

Most children don't want to be bad, and that includes teenagers and the behaviour is a method of communicating that something is wrong.

Punishing my child would have made behaviours worse. For children whose poor behaviour is due to mental health issues, sen or abuse punishment is the worst thing you can do. They need support to fix the problem then the behaviour improves.

That's what happened with my son.

People on here would have had him criminalised. He was 10 at the time he was lashing out at me and damaging our property. This girl is only 4 years older.

Of course he's an abuser! Even SS were calling him a boyfriend, its just a figure of speech and no way intended to normalise things ffs.
Of course we have tried working with the police and SS about this man. They know all about it and at the moment are doing absolutely nothing. Your ideas about SS and police seem to hark back to an earlier time. One day if you ever need them, you would discover this.
I would never condone anybody giving a child a good hiding so your impression is wrong. I just failed to see the benefit of sending her to another school but having read others messages, I am starting to understand. Why is it off to critisize SS?? They are regularly critisized in the media and by many people who haven't felt helped by them.

Being perm exed from 2 state schools makes her unlikely to accepted by a 3rd. The options would have been for a PRU or the private school and children's services clearly felt that investing in her education was a better option than the PRU.
What would your ideal outcome be here, OP?

errrrr...she's 14 with a 31 yo BF.

That's a child being sexually abused...

What do you want me to do???? Police and SS know! You clearly have all the answers so lets hear them? Aside from going off and murdering the man there isn't much else if the professionals arne't doing anything.

I don't think she should be living with my SIL due to the risk of harm. I also believe that the police and SS should be doing something to protect her so maybe some kind of unit that she can't just leave when she feels like it. This is not punishment but for her own safety. She can then have counselling or some sort of classes to find out why this is happening.

It's a fee paying private school like Eton. Thank you for a logical answer that's not littered with emotions and insults!

the sexual abuse isn't a separate issue!!!! Its all mixed together. If she wasn't being groomed and sexually exploited by this man then possibly her behaviour would be better. She's taking her anger and frustrations out on the one person she knows loves her.
This!
A child being groomed by an older man is not separate to the trauma and adverse childhood experience(s).

Then again it seems that the OP's view is to lock children like this up, give them a bit of counselling and don't do anything remotely positive to improve their educational and social prospects in case the little 'brats' have a positive experience once in a while.

Poor kid. Yes I can see why you are angry at your SIL as far as you can she is suffering as well.

But your anger is misplaced towards the "brat" 🙄.

Trauma can take years to come out.

Also she cannot have a 31yr old BF!

Could the link between your SIL getting older and maybe fearing it.

Also she will be at a teenage stage of hormones where teenagers naturally rebel against their parents. But in this case she can't do that as she doesn't live with them.

She will see, hear and absorb traditional nuclear families all over social media and that must be incredibly traumatic for her.

I'm not saying her physically assaulting SIL is right. But the context is incredibly important.

I can only say what I have seen nothingcomestonothing. Her childhood was a bit over indulged but nothing more. If nobody explains to her about her entitled behaviour then how does she learn? At 14 she can understand how her behaviour impacts others and not having any remorse ever is not right. She does need to understand these things if she's going to get over whatever it is that's affecting her.