Very naughty teen being rewarded!!

[heavenhelpmenow]

My SIL took on her niece as a baby due to her mum being very ill. She's lived with her ever since. The girl is now 14 and behaving really badly. She vapes, stays out at night, has to be found and brought home by police, steals and beats up my SIL. The girl breaks stuff around the home when she doesn't get her way. She's been expelled from 2 schools already. When anyone talks to her she is full of bad attitude, swears and calls people horrid names for no reason. She had an assessment that found nothing wrong with her other than acting out. She apparently has a 31 year old boyfriend! Social services have sent her to a private school and are paying for her aunt and her to go on a nice holiday. The girl is still playing up and being awful. SIL had a black eye and cut lip just yesterday.Does anybody else think this is rewarding bad behaviour? I just can't believe this is what they do now!!

She’s still a child and is currently being sexually abused.

Having a “nice” childhood doesn’t stop the hurt of being rejected by your biological parents. That’s why children in care are vulnerable and more likely to have issues. Ime the lashing out is a test of unconditional love (if I’m really bad will this adult leave me too?). It’s heartbreaking that it’s come to this but circumstances have done this rather than her just being a brat and your perception is seriously off. If ss aren’t doing anything about her 31 yo boyfriend then what are you doing? Have you contacted the police?

i have teens and parenting them needs to be based on communication but when that breaks down it’s hard to get back. But that’s not all the fault of the teen. You act like she should be grateful her aunt took her in - that’s a horrible thing to expect of a child who didn’t ask for this.

I'm not saying she’s not badly behaved but I think many of us understand why and you refuse to. She’s essentially been adopted. That’s not something that happens without emotions.

her childhood was idylic so she doesn't come from a terrible background.

Since when was being removed from your parent to live with a different family member classed as idyllic.

If you don't realise that that alone can cause all manner of trauma, even if it happens as a baby, then I'm not sure you're in a position to claim this is just a child being a brat!

Bit rude. The abuse is still taking place and SS are not doing anything about it! Sending her to a fancy school and on a holiday will not change this. The man is still walking around free!

Lol imagine being jealous of a troubled, unwell 14 year old who is being sexually abused. Love that for you OP.

But yes we're all just liberal idiots, obviously.

She wasn't sexually abused as a child! This is very recent and SS are doing nothing about it.

She is 14y. She is a child right now.
A 14y child can not have a true boyfriend who is 31.
Much more likely she is being groomed, and likely abused, by a grown man who is taking advantage of a very vulnerable girl.

From the comments, no nobody else thinks this is rewarding bad behaviour

That’s right. Her behaviour is exactly just that of a ‘brat’ . We all know that stretched social services get involved in and spend money on ‘brats’.

Look OP, I know a very experienced foster career who has adopted a child in similar circumstances. He’s lived with her since birth and stayed when his mum left his life in early infancy. He is so troubled he is in a specialist behavioural unit now despite having a loving family, very experienced in traumatized children, raise him.

it might attachment issues for him ( or this young girl, she may feel rejected by her mum as she does not raise her, and by her father). It might be genetic. But he’s not a brat. He’s a troubled child.

And this. OP you sound willfully blind to this, just so that you can justify calling her ‘ a brat’.

Oh well that’s alright then. She definitely doesn’t need any kind of support if it’s only recent.

I don’t know if you struggle with empathy generally but never knowing your father and having a mother who is too poorly to take care of you isn’t the basis of an idyllic childhood. She’s now been groomed and sexually abused by an older man and you seem to think that’s the fault of this underage, vulnerable child also. This poor girl has been through so much and you, a jealous, nasty, bitter woman begrudge her every bit of support.

The only issue I can see here is that unfortunately every vulnerable child in need should be afforded this level of help and support, not that this poor child isn’t entitled to it.

The school will not have been the first choice option. No social service department is going to pay out that amount of money unless they need to.

So it's irrelevant if the school is fee paying. It must be what the SS feels is most appropriate for the child at the moment.

Same as the holiday. SS don't randomly give out expensive holidays to families unless there is a specific need, or it's coming from a charity/grant/other agency that they've been referred to and meet the necessary criteria.

It would appear that SS don't agree with your assessment that this is a child with an idyllic life and no issues.

She was not rejected by anyone. Her mum was ill but has maintained a positive relationship with her all her life. Her dad does not know she exists, her mum tried to contact him but it did not work.
'the child didn't ask for this' - i'm not sure what you are referring to? A nice life where she was loved by all her family?
The police are also involved and know about the situation. He's walking round free. Pedos are not prosecuted anymore don't you know that?

Sorry OP, it looks as though you’ve fallen into the Mumsnet bear pit. I don’t think you’re going to get much helpful advice.

Are most of you missing the bit where this girl is violent and attacking her aunt? I’ve worked in children’s homes, which is probably where she is headed, and sadly there is no easy fix for children who behave like this. She definitely needs protection from grooming, but only a secure unit can enforce this.
You can wring your hearts as much as you like, but whatever her reasons for her behaviour, if you haven’t come across children like this they can be terrifying. I have enormous sympathy for aunt who has obviously done her best when she didn’t have to. It’s a very sad situation for everyone.

If this is true sounds like reactive attachment disorder

Absolutely.

Perhaps the assessment was looking for the wrong thing? Maybe autism/adhd was suspected when it may be something like an attachment issue. She may be affected deeply by being separated from her mother.

I think I see where you are coming from OP. I do tend to agree rather than private school or a holiday - maybe that money should go towards therapy or other aspects of getting to the root cause of the behaviour. A friends child was acting out and they suspect she has a lot of trouble regulating certain hormones. I hope your SIL is ok can’t be nice for her being attacked when (from what you’ve said) she’s tried to do her best. What does the girls mum make of all of this OP? I also really hope you’ve reported this man to the police!

Well I won’t comment on the behaviour stuff other than to say that yeah it’s crappy behaviour but she’s still very much a child and behaviour is communication so there’s something underlying whether or not you care to think about it.

Also, she most certainly does not have a 31 year old boyfriend, If there’s is indeed something going on then she is a 14yr old child being abused/groomed/sexually assaulted/raped by a 31 yr old man, even if she wholeheartedly believes he is her boyfriend.
She is troubled, she needs kindness and connection, not judgement.

I'm not saying she doesn't need any help, what i'm saying is that private school and a holiday won't change anything and is at the expense of the taxpayer. I'm not at all nasty and bitter, I'm just don't think this is going to help and a waste of time. I don't believe she has suffered from her mum being ill or anything else in her life that's my point. I have contacted the police about the grooming but they are not doing anything. I am allowed an opinion that the approach is wrong. Its ok to have a difference of opinion without being insulted and called bitter, jealous and nasty!

Also a lot of people are saying ‘attachment issues’ that would really depend on when her aunt took over her primary care - if it was pre 6 months then in theory her aunt would be her primary care giver

Thank you x

I agree, you are not going to get any advice or sympathy here, OP. When your niece seriously injures someone, possibly your sister in law, all the virtue signallers will be blaming you for not managing her behaviour more effectively ( still not offering any clues on how to achieve it, though).

It was 2 weeks after she was born so doesn't apply.

This 14 year old sounds unhappy and unsettled (and in actual danger) rather than 'very naughty' !

It is normal to 'act out' at 14 - and usually goes with teen territory but she has been expelled which is not so usual. Clearly something is wrong.

There are lots of reasons why she might be reacting badly and rule-breaking. Just plain naughtyness is unlikely. Being rejected by her original parents (even if that is not actually what happened from anyone else's pont of view) is likely to be involved - however lovely her fostering aunt has been.

As has been said: she does not have a 31 year old 'boyfriend' - whatever she thinks. She is a child at 14 and being abused by a predatory man. (Such men look for angry disaffected young persons.: they are easy to fool and abuse.)