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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL smacked my bum

211 replies

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

OP posts:

Catza · 14/09/2023 14:13

Explain it like you did here. FIL's behavior is highly inappropriate and while you appreciate an apology, you don't feel comfortable maintaining relationships with him or having him in your house. Surely your husband can't possibly think this sort of thing is OK.

Zimunya · 14/09/2023 14:14

So sorry this happened to you, OP. What does your DH say? To answer your question, yes, it is absolutely okay for you not to have a relationship with them. MIL doesn't get to decide which apologies you accept, and she doesn't get to decide how you feel abut things. You feel violated and abused by his actions. It's quite fair to keep your distance. It's also fair to say to your DH that you respect that he wants a relationship with them, and he's welcome to see them, but you won't be joining him.

ManateeFair · 14/09/2023 14:16

How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH?

'Your dad sexually assaulted me by smacking me very hard several times on the backside, and I cannot be near someone who did that to me. It wasn't just a 'pat' like your mum said. It was sore for three days afterwards. I understand that he's your dad and of course I'd never ask you to stop seeing your family, but I just cannot be around someone who did that to me.'

WaltzingWaters · 14/09/2023 14:17

He sounds batshit. What kind of FIL does that?! What does your DH say about it? Definitely absolutely fine for that to be the final straw and reason to go NC with them.

DuploTrain · 14/09/2023 14:19

This is horrendous. What does your DH say about it?

I think this covers it: “I don’t want to be around the man that assaulted me, and the woman who thinks it’s okay”.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 14/09/2023 14:20

"The fact that she minimises it as a pat makes me feel like she has not understood the severity of his assault. It makes me feel unsafe to be around them or to have them in my home"

coxesorangepippin · 14/09/2023 14:21

Bullshit

Accept the apology?!?

Tinkerbyebye · 14/09/2023 14:23

Sorry dh i don’t want to be around someone who assaulted me, if you feel you have to have a relationship with someone who assaulted your wife that’s up to you but I don’t want to know or hear about any interactions with them, and 8 am nk5 prepared to have them in my home

Joeylove88 · 14/09/2023 14:25

Never let anyone tell you how you feel that's something iv been working on for a while. That is some truly bizarre behaviour from your FIL and I would feel exactly the same as you, especially if your in laws have a history of not respecting boundaries. Its okay for you to decide that you no longer want a relationship with these people. Your H can make his own choices.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/09/2023 14:27

@DuploTrain has it spot on. Say this. On repeat.

Azaeleasinbloom · 14/09/2023 14:32

Another who thinks @DuploTrain has it spot on.
Your FIL sounds vile, and your MIL is in denial if she thinks it’s in any way, under any circumstance, OK for her husband to assault another human being, particularly in such a demeaning misogynistic manner. I am angry on your behalf.

applesandmares · 14/09/2023 14:33

I wouldn't want to be around your FIL either! Honestly, I thought I'd taken some whacks to the bum (consensually!) but have never felt sore for even a few hours afterwards, I can't imagine how hard he must have hit you.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 14/09/2023 14:33

@DuploTrain seconding this post

MsFrost · 14/09/2023 14:35

Even if it WAS 'just a pat', it's still not ok for his hand to be near your bottom. WTF. Who pats their daughter in law on the bum??

I wouldn't want a relationship after that either. He sexually assaulted you.

StBrides · 14/09/2023 14:35

He's lucky you didn't report him to the police. You still could and you might like to consider it.

I'd never let him in my house again.

jannier · 14/09/2023 14:39

Dear mil your husband hit me 3 times on the bum this is not acceptable for a few reasons....
It's a sexual assault I have no doubt he would not do this to a visiting man.
He physically hurt me
It is not the type of action or attitude I want my children either seeing or thinking is okay.
I no longer feel comfortable around him.

Iliketulips · 14/09/2023 14:42

I think you just have to be honest, but obviously allow and make it clear to him he can have contact without any animosity from you.

If you want to say well done to someone you tell them, or if there has to be any physical contact, it'd be a pat on the shoulder or a bug and wouldn't be done hard.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 14:42

DuploTrain has it. Tell your DH this until he gets it.

Your MIL is in denial. I'd struggle not to tell her to fuck off, but I would try to ignore. But your husband needs to understand that you owe his parents absolutely no grace.

UkeleleUnicycle · 14/09/2023 14:42

What does your DH say? He should stick up for you here.
I'd expect him to have a word with fil. It would have more impact from him.
I'd be disappointed in your shoes if he hasn't

diddl · 14/09/2023 14:47

How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH?

It shouldn't need explaining.

He assaulted you!

Also you don't have to accept any apology!

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 14:54

@wisewoman2023 my FIL grabbed my crotch when I was 9 months pregnant. It became a real issue that my DH did not react appropriately to that action or other similar but less overt behaviour from my FIL but he had been very much conditioned not to react to my father in law’s long-standing and consistent abuse over his lifetime and this was something he needed to address. You need to put boundaries in place with your DH and his parents because none of them may get it. Thankfully we are NC with FIL this last few years the peace has been enormous.

UkeleleUnicycle · 14/09/2023 14:57

I agree with AlleyCatz. The long term issue here is your relationship with DH. Why hasn't he smacked fils arse back, I mean spoken firmly to his dad

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 15:00

my FIL grabbed my crotch when I was 9 months pregnant.

There are no words for how vile this is. I'm sorry.

Arghusernamestress · 14/09/2023 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 15:05

readbooksdrinktea · 14/09/2023 15:00

my FIL grabbed my crotch when I was 9 months pregnant.

There are no words for how vile this is. I'm sorry.

Yes @readbooksdrinktea there are no words to describe the vileness of the man. That was just the tip of the iceberg for his repulsive behaviour.

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