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Original poster

FIL smacked my bum

211 replies

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 14/09/2023 17:25

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 16:31

And you think this makes you any better a person?

Show quote history

Yes I think it does make her a better person who stands there being assaulted when they have capacity to fight back? How will these rancid old goats ever learn unless someone shocks them with a kick to the gonads. Good on her. Most people would freeze in shock, if he fight mode kicked in all the better.

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 17:29

GrumpyPanda · 14/09/2023 17:17

Don't be so ridiculously sanctimonious. @Itick8outof10boxes did not say she makes a habit out of assaulting people the way OP's FIL does. This may come as a surprise to. you if you're in the be kiiiiiind brigade but women are under no obligation to turn the other cheek to sexual assault. Yes, many of us will freeze in a situation as OP has described and that's fine, natural and instinctive and nothing to beat ourselves up about. However, nor do we have to apologize if our natural instinct is to punch back, and hard.

Edited
Show quote history

I am not being sanctimonious - my moral judgement is no better or worse than anyone else's. And of course what this man did is outrageous, I doubt anyone would disagree.

I'm being factual. Two wrongs rarely make a right and there are ways and means of justice being done - imo, hitting someone back (unless there's a genuine threat to safety), is not the answer.

CherryCokeFanatic · 14/09/2023 17:30

Was it sexually charged? Or a comment said at the time?

Lastchancechica · 14/09/2023 17:31

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 17:29

I am not being sanctimonious - my moral judgement is no better or worse than anyone else's. And of course what this man did is outrageous, I doubt anyone would disagree.

I'm being factual. Two wrongs rarely make a right and there are ways and means of justice being done - imo, hitting someone back (unless there's a genuine threat to safety), is not the answer.

Show quote history

You sound just like my mother when I had fights in the playground!!

Pandasandflowers · 14/09/2023 17:39

Your MIL says you need to accept the apology? You don't "need to" anything. Not a chance in hell. Cut them off

Blough · 14/09/2023 17:42

@CherryCokeFanatic when is a assaulting a woman on her bum not sexual abuse? There’s no excuse.

OP why has your husband allowed these people to treat you badly for 14 years? Why has he presumably done nothing about the vile mans assault on you? What a crap husband.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/09/2023 17:47

🌺

momonpurpose · 14/09/2023 17:50

Even if it hadn't hurt its wrong. This is disgusting and that your mil is minimizing it is even worse. Vile people I'd cut them both off with out pause

RaraRachael · 14/09/2023 17:56

Every time we went to visit iLs, my FiL used to take my face in both his hands and kiss me on the lips. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it and that "I was making a fuss about nothing" and that it was "just his way"

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2023 17:58

Show your DH the coverage of the Spanish reporter who was doing a piece to camera and some random bloke smacked her bottom. The reporter who was back in the studio asked her to put her assailant on camera and interview him and as he walked away the assailant ruffled her hair.
Said assailant was arrested on suspicion of sexual assault.

Then tell your DH what his father did.

Say that the two are not unrelated in that neither woman wanted the man to put their hands on them or touch them and at least the one in Spain was arrested. Very simply, your FiL assaulted you but you let it slide to not make a big deal of it. You however don't want any sort of relationship with someone who assaults women and if you have any kids, I'd be very cautious around FiL because if he thinks it's ok to strike a woman, what would he do to a defenceless child???

Sethos · 14/09/2023 18:01

FabFitFifties · 14/09/2023 16:22

It's not OK for him to touch your bottom in anyway - if you don't want contact, DH should understand this. That said OP, are you exagerating the force used? It would have to be a truly bizzare scene, a nasty physical assault, to be felt 3 days later. Did he pin you down or against the wall or something, to manage that? Was this witnessed? Why did no one intervene? Did it leave marks? Even a pat would be out of order and creepy. A full on act of violence is another level.

Indeed.

Original poster
wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 18:05

Thanks everyone for your support. You have helped me to verbalise into words some of what I was feeling. I have emailed DH's family now with my thoughts and I have expressed that I do need a sincere apology from all of them for the family relationship to improve.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 14/09/2023 18:10

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 18:05

Thanks everyone for your support. You have helped me to verbalise into words some of what I was feeling. I have emailed DH's family now with my thoughts and I have expressed that I do need a sincere apology from all of them for the family relationship to improve.

Be prepared op
They have allowed this creep to behave like this for decades unchallenged.
They won’t like a mirror held up and sunlight all over the place.
Be strong, don’t back down.
He is disgusting and you have every right to cut him/them off for good.

Mamette · 14/09/2023 18:12

I think the fact that you didn’t have him arrested shows extremely good grace on your part.

I would want the sincere apology but I’d still avoid them afterwards. Creepy weirdos.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 14/09/2023 18:20

Appalling. It is sexual harassment as well as assault. I wonder if your MIL has spent her marriage ignoring his behaviour to other women.

Floppyelf · 14/09/2023 18:23

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

I think its probably the tip of the iceberg. I’m sure he assaulted lots of women back in the day. Considering this is sexual assault. You can actually go to the police. He letter admitting the incident can be used as evidence.

Beadyeyes91 · 14/09/2023 18:26

Regardless of how they try to justify this frankly sickly behaviour of his you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home and with the people within it. For this reason you also have the right not to be around people who don't meet that criteria.

Yalta · 14/09/2023 18:32

*wisewoman2023

Thanks everyone for your support. You have helped me to verbalise into words some of what I was feeling. I have emailed DH's family now with my thoughts and I have expressed that I do need a sincere apology from all of them for the family relationship to improve*

I am confused, why would you message the family and say you want a sincere apology. The way that message is written it sounds like once they say they are sorry then you will be all as you were
I thought you wanted to tell your dh that you didn’t want to ever see them again

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2023 18:40

RaraRachael · 14/09/2023 17:56

Every time we went to visit iLs, my FiL used to take my face in both his hands and kiss me on the lips. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it and that "I was making a fuss about nothing" and that it was "just his way"

I hope you stopped him?

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2023 18:41

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 18:05

Thanks everyone for your support. You have helped me to verbalise into words some of what I was feeling. I have emailed DH's family now with my thoughts and I have expressed that I do need a sincere apology from all of them for the family relationship to improve.

What has your Dh said about everything?

Yants · 14/09/2023 18:55

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Grmumpy · 14/09/2023 19:00

I had three friends who for various reasons refused to have contact with their mils The sons visited their mums alone or with children .

Hibiscrubbed · 14/09/2023 19:01

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Jesus Christ.

mbosnz · 14/09/2023 19:05

You don't need to do anything. He needed to keep his hands off a woman's body. He failed to do that.

As to, 'that's just his way/it's just a pat on the bum' that doesn't mean to say you have to take it like that or accept it like that.

For me, that would be a completely unacceptable breach of my bodily autonomy that would have quite possibly had me responding quite vigorously. And I'd feel I had the right to respond like that.

One person's intent in what they do or say to another person, doesn't lessen or change the impact on the other person. And they have the right to act on the impact they feel.

UkeleleUnicycle · 14/09/2023 19:07

Please tell me your DH stood up for you and told his family to fuck off