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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL smacked my bum

211 replies

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/09/2023 10:12

How do I educate my husband on this?

You show him the legal definition of assault and sexual assault.

Then you tell him that you could go to the police but haven’t. Yet.

Pandasandflowers · 15/09/2023 10:27

Sorry OP, this is devastating. I know it’s very easy for some of us to say leave your husband and it’s easier said than done. But I’m floored by your DH’s casual attitude to this. You deserve someone who would give their dad a bollocking over this. Every woman does

LookItsMeAgain · 15/09/2023 13:34

Why does your DH get to determine what is and isn't assault on your body? Just because he 'thinks it isn't assault' doesn't mean that it isn't assault.

applesandmares · 15/09/2023 13:52

I'm sorry but do so many PPs really think that the police have time to investigate a smacked bottom when there are so many other things going on, un-investigated? Not to mention how something like that would likely blow up her marriage.

It's inappropriate, gross, pervy, rude etc etc and I wouldn't love being around FIL after something like that but involving the police seems like a really drastic step for something that won't go anywhere.

Blough · 15/09/2023 13:59

Your vile husband could easily have googled, in 2 seconds what ‘assault’ is. He really doesn’t care about you, through his actions, believe him. The whole family is trash. Is this all you want in life? :(

UkeleleUnicycle · 15/09/2023 14:53

I'm really sorry OP. Your DH response must be very upsetting.

FrancescaContini · 15/09/2023 15:00

This is just awful, OP. I don’t think I could move past this. Nobody should force anyone to maintain a relationship they no longer want to be part of, especially when there’s physical assault involved. 💐

Ivymom · 15/09/2023 15:11

What would your husband say if one of his friends smacked your bum? Would he continue to be dismissive of you? What if it was your coworker or your boss? What about his coworker or boss? I would ask him who he thinks is allowed to sexually assault his wife. Where does he draw the line?

I would refuse to see any of his relatives and loudly proclaim to anyone who asks why that I refuse to continue to be sexually assaulted by FIL while the rest excuse it. This is a fight worth having. Don’t bring children into this. It will just provide another target for his abusive relatives. I would tell DH that the only way we could have a future together is if he goes to couple’s therapy, individual therapy and cuts off FIL and anyone who excuses him. While DH is an adult and can choose who to have a relationship with, I would consider it a betrayal if he were to choose someone who assaulted me.

momonpurpose · 15/09/2023 16:03

Pandasandflowers · 15/09/2023 10:27

Sorry OP, this is devastating. I know it’s very easy for some of us to say leave your husband and it’s easier said than done. But I’m floored by your DH’s casual attitude to this. You deserve someone who would give their dad a bollocking over this. Every woman does

Absolutely OP. I am so very sorry for you. You have been wronged by both FIL and DH. I am not the LTB type but I can't see any way to be in a family that has assaulted you and disrespected you you. There is such a better life for you

LalaPaloosa · 15/09/2023 18:28

How inappropriate. You’re completely within your rights to set a boundary here. My ex FIL used to corner me and try to hug me. He’s have me backing up into walls with nowhere to go as he came at me for more hugs. He would follow me out of the room if I left the dinner table to get a glass of water so he could “help” me and would end up asking for more hugs. Utter creep. My husband was upset with me when I raised it with him. His words were “so you’re accusing my Dad of coming onto you?!”. I was pregnant during the worst of it, but the PILS did not know this as it was early days. It was a horrible time, but my ex husband did confront him, did stand up for me and we didn’t speak to them or see them until the baby was born. It was then always awkward. Fortunately we are now divorced and I don’t have to see the ex PILs. The one time I had to see him when my ex sent him to collect our child in his place I refused contact with him when he tried to shake my hand. We have every right to draw a line. A title doesn’t give someone the right to abuse you.

JMSA · 15/09/2023 18:30

Crikey, what a horrible old perv.

YANBU Flowers

sharonarnott · 15/09/2023 18:40

It's a good job for him that it was your backside he slapped and not mine. He wouldn't have got up off of the floor for a week. Sorry but I wouldn't go anywhere near him again ever whether it upset my husband or not

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 15/09/2023 18:48

Catza · 15/09/2023 09:43

This is a slightly tricky matter as under the British law an assault is "any act by which a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to suffer or apprehend immediate unlawful violence". So your husband may argue that since the intent wasn't violence, this would not constitute an assault.
There is clearly a case of "unwanted touch" which may or may not fall under sexual assault.
The bottom line is, your FIL's behaviour is inappropriate whatever you call it. And this is what your husband needs to get on board with, not how it is defined legally. I would be concerned that if your husband lets it slide, it may be highly likely he considers physical punishment and controlling behaviour towards children appropriate also. And this would definitely be an assault. I think you need to discuss this seriously before committing to an adoption.
Either way, he should not be forcing you to have a relationship with your family as this is also controlling behaviour. Whichever way you look at it, the situation sucks.

Show quote history

Unwanted touching and fondling is sexual assault under British law.

SylvieB74 · 15/09/2023 18:55

Jesus Christ, just rinse and repeat what an absolute weirdo. I haven’t read through or anything but if you have kids I wouldn’t want them anywhere near him, if your husband’s still having a relationship with them. It sounds like he’s got the potential to be a total nonce.

vingraitte · 15/09/2023 19:03

Do you have children OP? This is horrible.

whynotwhatknot · 15/09/2023 19:08

You dont need an apology you need to stay the hell away from them

ihadamarveloustime · 15/09/2023 19:10

He hit you. 3x. He hit you.

And there were sexual undertones to it as he smacked you on the bottom. 3 times.

and your husband wants you to move on?

Perhaps he should move back in with his father if he thinks this is ok and you have to put up with an insincere apology and a whitewashing of their continued poor treatment of you.

Please don't have children with him.

leesmum · 15/09/2023 19:14

Seriously I actually can't believe that this sort of thing might be happening in 2023,

Please have some respect for yourself and pack your effing bags, you've been let down and humiliated by too many people.... you deserve better 😞

PotatoLove · 15/09/2023 19:17

I cannot stand these type of creepy old men! The way people try and normalise this behaviour pisses me off as well.

Marcipex · 15/09/2023 19:19

What @DuploTrain said is perfect.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 15/09/2023 19:36

Ask dh if you had a dd would he want a male relative groping her?

Bogeyes · 15/09/2023 19:44

Sexual assault is not a way of saying well done. How dare your mil suggest this. I am sure if it happened to your mil it would be a different story. By the way don't swallow that nonsense that bullies come out with where they say you are too sensitive. They are toxic.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/09/2023 19:54

Your husband doesn't reckon it's assault? It wasn't his bum, was it? So he can fuck right off with that minimising crap.

I got smooched by a pervy old uncle on my wedding day and XH never forgave ME for it! I did ask why he didn't come to my rescue. He said it looked as though I was enjoying it. Arse.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/09/2023 20:08

Your husband is a grown man who shouldn’t need to be educated on this. I’m astounded that he hasn’t fallen out with his father massively over this. I just can’t get my head round your FIL doing this and your DH pressuring you to have any relationship with him that you aren’t comfortable with. The whole thing is fucked up and gross. Was he drunk? I just can’t get my head around it.

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