Page 9 | FIL smacked my bum

wisewoman2023 · 2023-09-14T13:11:01+00:00

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children. Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology. He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace". I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

Northernsouloldies · 17/09/2023 04:42

The Fil is a creepy bastard and probably been doing it for years to women. I don't buy the, oh that's just y being y. Hands to yourself creep.

heartbroken22 · 17/09/2023 08:57

It's bang out of order honestly. Why does he think he can't do that? It's sexual abuse.

billy1966 · 17/09/2023 12:12

ChubbyMorticia · 17/09/2023 04:35

Sexual assault isn’t just a mistake. It’s not an age thing.

The only thing age related is that men used to be able to assault women and women were expected to accept it without making a fuss. Boss groped you? Try and laugh it off and make a point to try and stay out of reach. FIL slapped your ass repeatedly? Accept his apology and don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

Bullshit.

Every. Single. Time. FIL is mentioned, my answer would be, “He sexually assaulted me. There’s no coming back from that.”

Call it what it is, every time. This is COMPLETELY FIL’s fault. Not yours. He chose to assault you. The consequences are his.

Maybe once people actually experience consequences for sexually assaulting others, instead of family and friends covering up for them, there will actually be a decrease in the behaviour. But as long as people make excuses, like oh, he’s old, oh, he’s family, oh, your poor husband in the middle, enable people to assault others, then nothing will change

Great post.

There is something deeply creepy about your husband trying to gaslight you about his father sexually assaulting you.

I hope any adoption services you approach red flag the entire family, your husband included.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 17/09/2023 18:13

He is a sex pest. Must be hard for dh to accept that. But he must...

monsteramunch · 17/09/2023 18:58

@Pamalot

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after.

This is literally assault, not 'a mistake'.

Scary to think what threshold you need an incident to meet before you do consider it assault, if being hit unexpectedly on the bum three times so hard it can be felt days later doesn't qualify in your eyes!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 18/09/2023 13:40

Ask your DH what would happen if he smacked a woman’s butt at the office.
Ask him how he would feel if your boss smacked your arse like that.
Ask him why it’s different when his pervy fucking dad does it.

Boredombeckons · 19/09/2023 15:17

If I say someone gave me a quick peck on the lips but it left my lips bleeding and swollen, surely people would be confused as well?

I don't understand why my post asking how three quick smacks could hurt for days was censored/deleted. Either: (1) the effect is being exaggerated (which is not necessary because sexual assault is ALWAYS wrong and disgusting in any form. As a charity volunteer worker, I want to mention that this is a VERY important message. ALL sexual assault victims need to know ALL sexual assault is wrong. They need not and should not exaggerate their already 100% legitimate case, because it will only undermine their entire case if found out, as sadly does happen.) Or (2) it was loud almighty whacks that would have physically destabilised the victim's entire body and left bruises (which was not mentioned), which is physically dangerous especially if it was ignored by those around OP.

Loubelle70 · 19/09/2023 18:49

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 18/09/2023 13:40

Ask your DH what would happen if he smacked a woman’s butt at the office.
Ask him how he would feel if your boss smacked your arse like that.
Ask him why it’s different when his pervy fucking dad does it.

This

WonkyBananas · 19/09/2023 18:59

Boredombeckons · 19/09/2023 15:17

If I say someone gave me a quick peck on the lips but it left my lips bleeding and swollen, surely people would be confused as well?

I don't understand why my post asking how three quick smacks could hurt for days was censored/deleted. Either: (1) the effect is being exaggerated (which is not necessary because sexual assault is ALWAYS wrong and disgusting in any form. As a charity volunteer worker, I want to mention that this is a VERY important message. ALL sexual assault victims need to know ALL sexual assault is wrong. They need not and should not exaggerate their already 100% legitimate case, because it will only undermine their entire case if found out, as sadly does happen.) Or (2) it was loud almighty whacks that would have physically destabilised the victim's entire body and left bruises (which was not mentioned), which is physically dangerous especially if it was ignored by those around OP.

As a volunteer worker, you should remember that the pain and discomfort felt for days afterwards can be felt for days. It is not necessary for it to be loud. Fabric can and does mute the sound of hard blows.

Also it should be remembered that the continued discomfort can be psychosomatic. Which can take many days to subside.

Only the individual concerned can know how it continues to affect them in the aftermath. They can be 100% accurate in saying that they continued to feel it for days afterwards.

GodDammitCecil · 19/09/2023 19:01

Boredombeckons · 19/09/2023 15:17

If I say someone gave me a quick peck on the lips but it left my lips bleeding and swollen, surely people would be confused as well?

I don't understand why my post asking how three quick smacks could hurt for days was censored/deleted. Either: (1) the effect is being exaggerated (which is not necessary because sexual assault is ALWAYS wrong and disgusting in any form. As a charity volunteer worker, I want to mention that this is a VERY important message. ALL sexual assault victims need to know ALL sexual assault is wrong. They need not and should not exaggerate their already 100% legitimate case, because it will only undermine their entire case if found out, as sadly does happen.) Or (2) it was loud almighty whacks that would have physically destabilised the victim's entire body and left bruises (which was not mentioned), which is physically dangerous especially if it was ignored by those around OP.

What does questioning the OP about how much it hurt her help in any possible way?

She’s not in a court of law. Maybe the pain three days later was psychosomatic. It really doesn’t matter. It’s not the point of the thread.

If you have words of advice for the OP - offer them. Questioning the pain she (not you) experienced is not in the tiniest bit helpful to the matter at hand.

I didn’t report your post. But I can fully understand why it was deleted.

lilkitten · 11/10/2023 18:56

In my mind this is assault, I wouldn't even do that with a partner without getting consent (I'm into kink, consent is very high for us - as such I do have a lot of impact that bruises for weeks, but I would feel very upset if my FIL did this). We don't feel that you have to have a relationship with your partner's parents, if you don't want to - for a long time I didn't visit my in laws after they made some false accusations against me, though DH also avoided them but just let the grandkids visit