FIL smacked my bum

[wisewoman2023]

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

I’m sorry this happened but no way was it sore for three bloody days afterwards! Drama Llama much? He’d have to smack your arse with a cricket bat to feel
it 3 days later.

How do you know how her body responds to an injury? You don't -- you are just another keyboard KIA.

@wisewoman2023 you will never be able to reason or explain to them. The more you email or ask or explain the more they’ll use it to show you are unhinged. Which you are not.

Tell your DH what would happen if he did this to a female colleague I the work place, or a random woman in the shop. How he feels that is wrong is the same as his father.

Dont explain or ask for any more apologies. Just tell your DH he can have contact but you won’t. Unless it’s a family event like a wedding or something

Yes, it is possible, to avoid him. I don't get on with my FI, nothing like this. But he treats his wife like crap and is not a nice person to be around. Big baby at times.
I avoid get togethers, by saying I am working, most of the time I am. My Oh, goes to see his parents with our son.
We went Christmas time the other year, as he was told, due to poor health he might only have 2 years. Well he totally ruined Christmas, by demanding tablets, that the doctor had told his wife, he was getting taken off, but no it was his wifes fault. So demanded more, which ment a hospital visit for him Christmas morning. Hospital advised my partner and MIL, that it could be a long wait, so they came home to do presents. FIL sulked all day.
Long story short, even his daughter, hasn't visited her parents much after Christmas fiasco. She only lives 3 houses away. But he ruined the kids Christmas.
My partner doesn't push for me to be there, as I don't push him to be around my parents either.

Isn’t there a man in court in Spain for a similar sort of non-consensual sexual assault?

Whilst not defending your husband he may have grown up having to defuse/ignore inappropriate behaviour from his father? His lessening of his fathers behaviour to you may be part of this?

It will be easier if you can get your OH re-educated so that you decide as a couple how to deal with your FIL. A serious sit down talk. But it may be that you end up having to act alone.

Do you have children? Esp daughters. Where are they in all of this?

Yes I know the Spanish case has been in the press, but my in laws are so righteous that they are unlikely to draw any parallels. MIL loves holding her head up high in her local parish. You know the type.

You are spot on about DH growing up in a household where he had to diffuse the situation. He has told me many times that MIL and FIL would argue and he hated it as a child and has as a result become very non-confrontational.

I want to educate both my DH and my SIL because they both work in the public sector and of all people I feel they should know that touching bums without consent is not ok. SIL is a secondary school teacher and has taken her dads side, saying he didn’t mean it etc. She also said to my DH my email expressing my discontent at the situation was unpleasant. I feel they have made me out to be unstable for criticising him.

Thankfully I’ve spoken to my own blood siblings and parents as well as a few friends who have all supported my going NC with FIL, MIL and SIL. They are sad though as they know I have a good strong marriage with my DH and are worried this is going to cause a strain. I’m worried about this too obviously. Hope we can get through it.

Why on earth did your fil smack you? What possible reason did he say he had to do that? It sounds absolutely mad.
I really hope you feel better soon & get over this awful incident. I certainly wouldn’t visit without an apology and a promise to never behave in that way again to anyone.

Maybe put this to your SIL. What would she have done.….

Breaktime coffee queue in staffroom. Ron (50yo deputy head) is behind 25 yo Ms. A.N.Other waiting to be served. First thing the other staff knew was a great shout of F… Off Ron. Every one stopped.

He’d been twanging her bra strap. This was in the days before grievance procedures etc etc. Ron was just being Ron.

How would your SIL deal with this - both as a victim and as a senior member of staff having to sort out the mess, accusations etc.

She may think that sort of attention is ok. Most do not.

My Stbxh is abusive. I spent a decade pre kids thinking he was a good man and that we had a strong marriage. Sometimes you don't know a person's character till it's tried. FIL and MIL believe physical discipline is the way to raise children that behave. Stbxh inherited this view, it did him no harm apparently. Except for the fact he grew into an adult that thinks smacking and pinching children isnt harmful and is acceptable behaviour. I can't imagine FIL would ever cross this line, even Stbxh would consider him crossing that line wrong.

Your DH has disordered thinking because of his childhood. Unless he is prepared to work on addressing that preferably with a psychologist nothing will change. You can't fix this or make your marriage right again, you could compromise your boundaries and try to bury this, but that will hurt you in the long run and probably destroy your marriage anyway. You could try laying it all out with I statements (takes away blame nature) ie when your Dad smacked me I felt violated/scared and so on. You could lay it down as an ultimatum, I won't be seeing your parents again and if you keep pushing this it will ruin our marriage. You could say you need to have counselling together. You can't make him see, or make him understand, ultimately that part is down to him.

You are thinking about adoption. What does your husband think about the possibility of you having a baby girl, who you want to teach has rights over her own body, but she grows up seeing her grandfather sexually abusing her mother?

I was adopted into a dysfunctional family (alcoholic father/narc "mother") so I have strong feelings on this. Please don't bring a child into this toxicity. The lifelong damage to an innocent baby is horrific.

It is disgusting how these abusive types view an apology as simply a couple of words to be said, and then they can carry on with their abuse, and you "must" accept it because they said they were sorry. My "mother", when I tried to explain to her how her behaviour had hurt me, would actually snarl "I said I'm sorry".

I listen a lot to the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts, and one of the things said about apologies is that an apology without changed behaviour is nothing more than manipulation.

Growing up un this dysfunction is a mindfuck and your husband has a long road ahead should he begin to realise his family is abusive. Please be careful you don't waste years on waiting for him to come to this realisation.

Do you think he might see a therapist to discuss the current situation?

Agreed! You do not have to share your personal feelings with an abuser. You need only to state your boundaries. And that for you, ought to be NC. If your DH supports this abuse, he needs to change his behaviour and attitude if he wants to stay married. I wish you all the best.

If DH creates a strain in your relationship after you being sexually assaulted by your FIL then he isn’t the man you thought he was.

He can maintain his relationship with them, these people don’t need to be in your home or company.

Why are they so desperate to make up? Do they want to stay with you?

The email is unpleasant because it's shining a light onto behaviour that they would prefer to never acknowledge. "How dare you make us confront what we would rather ignore!!!!"

Agree the no contact. It's disappointing your dh doesn't get it. The only literature I know that explains it is NSPCC PANTS.

That made me furious and nauseous just reading that OP, if that had been me hr would have ended up with a smack in the face. You were assaulted, do not accept an apology from the person who assaulted you

This is just you being the problem rather than FIL/MIL being the problem. DH and SIL have been conditioned to behave like FIL isn't the problem. Stick to your guns OP. Be very nice about it 'I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable around FIL but I encourage you to maintain your relationship if you want'. I don worry what would happen if you had kids though, especially girls. And how your husband navigates this should give you an idea how that will play out.

Aposterhasnoname · 14/09/2023 15:14

Your FIL sexually assaulted you and as you have MIL basically confirming it in writing I’d tell them to fuck off and leave me alone or I’m going to the police. Not even joking, I’m filled with rage about all the men over the years that have done this to me and got away with it. Always just a joke, or a friendly pat of course. Funny it doesn’t happen now I’m in my 50s. But if it did I’d go postal.

Exactly Happened to me at work . I was a student working as a barmaid in my local pub . Landlord gave me a hard slap on the arse in front of the regulars and it was laughed off but was painful and humiliating . He was totally exercising his work place control over me in a very public way and I wish it had been different times as this behaviour was seen as fairgame so was smoking indoors in the workplace but doesn’t make it ok. I also used to have to put up with kryptic comments about my body as I dared to be on display in public. I am so sick of women being indentured in this way still to this day. Treated like Livestock . Men need to start standing up for women in real time. I was on the tube it was crowded someone groped my arse again plus heavy handed so u have that aftereffect of being touched in a certain malicious way and my partner was with me and was questioning how I let it happen ??!? this is how large the chasm is of men understanding until it happened to him ! He was groped in the daytime by our gay neighbour who did this as us partners left the room. I made it very clear it was not ok and we would make that clear no contact and we both make it clear we r outcasting him if we pass him and he squirms every time we see him. He knows its known. Reporting it was something my partner is uncomfortable with we also discovered he knows a work friend and how do we say anything on the topic they are all of an older generation and in more powerful positions. It really bothers me but the minimal option has the least fall out and so it continues

For the problem to go away it seems the Victim is to be silenced heaven forbid the man-handler gets his feathers ruffled and this is because the reality is too unsavoury

He made a mistake, he has apologise but apparently not the correct type of apology or been humble enough and other people have to apologise too? Your poor husband is stuck in the middle of this nonsense. Grow up. Old people often do stupid things as it was once OK to do this. Obvs not now but be gracious and accept the apology and move on.

By going NC with your inlaws has more implications than a bum slap. They wont see their GC and their GC wont see them. Your husband will bave to referee.

Would he have done it to a son in law? No oc not.
I had this, i was shocked. I was stunned. My step dad though.
I didn't say anything but i was distraught. I planned to say something but when he came to my house he brought it up and apologised.
You cant accept this...stick to your guns. Xxx

I just struggle to understand how someone touches a person's bum intending to portray a 'job well done'.

What is this ‘be gracious’ bullshit?

Quit with the old people shit. I read this thread to my 60 year old husband and he was appalled !
Also said he witnessed something like that he would have to step in - but god knows my late FIL would never have dreamt to behave like this.
casual ageism cannot be used as an excuse for poor behaviour.

I agree but you cant just cut ties and ostracise your husband’s parents because your fil made a mistake he has apologised for. There are ways of managing this situation without going full flounce.

My FIL is a total pervert. He is always saying inappropriate sexual things. When I was breast feeding, and I was happy to do so almost anywhere and not too bothered who was around, he would stare at me the whole time. He was there for a midwife check up at home, because he wouldn't leave the room, it got to the bit where they ask about contraception, it was clear the midwife didn't want to ask with him there but he wouldn't take the hint to leave. Eventually she had to outright ask him. He makes me feel uncomfortable all the time so I can sympathise. Stand your ground, you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable, especially not in your own home. It sounds like it wasn't just a pat on the bum either. Why not just show your post to DH, it is well explained. Good luck.