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AIBU?

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Original poster

FIL smacked my bum

211 replies

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 14/09/2023 15:10

What the fuck have I read? He smacked your bum three times, hard, in quick succession? What the fuck preceded that? How on earth can your husband expect you to be around them after that? It’s bad enough that he expected you to endure years of abuse from them. JFC.

Olika · 14/09/2023 15:13

Explain how you just did here. I wouldn't want contact with them either after that.

Cheirosa · 14/09/2023 15:14

StBrides · 14/09/2023 14:35

He's lucky you didn't report him to the police. You still could and you might like to consider it.

I'd never let him in my house again.

Seconding this.

Whether there’s enough evidence or not to convict, an investigative visit from the police may just show him what can happen when you assault people.

Aposterhasnoname · 14/09/2023 15:14

Your FIL sexually assaulted you and as you have MIL basically confirming it in writing I’d tell them to fuck off and leave me alone or I’m going to the police. Not even joking, I’m filled with rage about all the men over the years that have done this to me and got away with it. Always just a joke, or a friendly pat of course. Funny it doesn’t happen now I’m in my 50s. But if it did I’d go postal.

cannaecookrisotto · 14/09/2023 15:15

This is completely inappropriate, if he does anything like this again then punch him in the dick and see how he likes it.

Well done for standing firm on this, goes to show your FILs attitude towards women.

GodDammitCecil · 14/09/2023 15:17

My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done".

Was it? Or is that her trying to gaslight you? Why would he smack you three times so hard it hurt days later, for a ‘well done’?

Boredombeckons · 14/09/2023 15:26

This reply has been deleted

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bobotothegogo · 14/09/2023 15:31

DuploTrain · 14/09/2023 14:19

This is horrendous. What does your DH say about it?

I think this covers it: “I don’t want to be around the man that assaulted me, and the woman who thinks it’s okay”.

This.

Itick8outof10boxes · 14/09/2023 15:33

Anyone who does this to me gets a smack right back. I get aggressive very easily around people like this and will potentially hurt them badly.
I have no conscience about doing it.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/09/2023 15:36

You need to stop asking me to extend my hospitality to your parents. My house is my safe place. Your dad sexually assaulted me three times and MIL, You, and X, Y & Z all witnessed this. Because everyone chose to ignore and minimize what they saw with their own eyes, everyone is complicit. Nobody protected me or forced FIL to be accountable for his inexcusable behavior. The fact that you all expect me to tolerate this abuse means that I do not feel safe with any of you. Don’t ask me again.

MeridianB · 14/09/2023 15:37

What did your DH say at the time? And what is he saying now? Does he want a relationship with them and want you to see them too?

MeridianB · 14/09/2023 15:38

PS Your ILs are gross. Just trying to establish what pressure, if any, your DH is applying here.

MikeRafone · 14/09/2023 15:42

Dear MIL

I have received your letter which has left me with some bemusement, as not sure what you believe I should be sorry. You refer to the incident last Christmas when your husband smacked my bottom so hard 3 times, that I could feel the s rating days later. This is not appropriate behaviour and no doubt that you both know this. I had hoped for an apologising for his behaviour and really you'd hope that he would find it within himself to apologise for such a crude and inappropriate action, that left his daughter in law in shock. Instead several months later his lack of concern has left me not wanting to be in his company and id rather it stayed that way. Such a shame you have both chosen this path, I will leave it between you and dh to make your own arrangements for seeing each other.

WhichEllie · 14/09/2023 15:44

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On that note I just want to add that him touching your arse in any way, whether it be a pat or an accidentally-on-purpose brush, is extremely inappropriate and grounds for you to never be in the same room as him again. It doesn’t have to be three massive smacks that hurt for days. ANY touch in this context is unacceptable. He’s supposed to be your father-in-law, ffs.

Even if it was your husband doing this, it’s your body, you get to decide, and you don’t have to explain or give reasons for your decisions. “Because I don’t like it” is more than enough. It doesn’t matter if it hurts or not. We don’t need to justify anything to anyone when it comes to our bodies and our boundaries.

Ridemeginger · 14/09/2023 15:44

Say you will continue to see, him only if you can first kick him up the arse Bishop Brennan style.

Or you could tell everyone you don't need to justify why you refuse to see a sex pest.

JaneyGee · 14/09/2023 15:50

Your mother in law said you "need to accept the apology with good grace"!!!! I'm sorry, but what a vile C*NT. You don't apologize to someone and then tell them they need to accept it – like you're a silly, disobedient child. Christ they sound like weird, horrible, arrogant freaks. Ugghh. If it was me, I'd tell my partner (I wouldn't ask him) that I never want to see them again. I also wouldn't allow my daughter anywhere near them – certainly not him.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/09/2023 15:50

I'd be making it known to the MiL that if they didn't leave me alone, I'd be using her letter as evidence when I contacted the police about this assault.

LuluBlakey1 · 14/09/2023 15:51

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

Presumably your DH knows about this. What is his view? How has he teacted? I know what my DH's would be- he would have had it out with his patents immediately and if it resulted in them falling out with him that would have been that.

Ellie56 · 14/09/2023 15:52

DuploTrain · 14/09/2023 14:19

This is horrendous. What does your DH say about it?

I think this covers it: “I don’t want to be around the man that assaulted me, and the woman who thinks it’s okay”.

Yep. This in a nutshell.

Alondra · 14/09/2023 16:01

OP, I'm a Spaniard that has been dealing with front news what's not acceptable for women to receive as "normal" sexual patronising behaviour. The head of the Spanish Football Federation has resigned for giving a kiss to a player without her consent, and the latest is a man being arrested 5 minutes after giving a pat to the bottom of a journalist while she was on a live program.

Don't accept this treatment from your FIL, and if your MIL is excusing his behaviour, make it clear to her as well you don't accept his smacks as a sexually patronising "well done". No one touches you without your permission, the sooner you make it clear, the fewer problems you'll face with them.

LuluBlakey1 · 14/09/2023 16:01

You could tell them both to fuck off and tell your mother in law to accept that with good grace.

Itick8outof10boxes · 14/09/2023 16:17

LuluBlakey1 · 14/09/2023 16:01

You could tell them both to fuck off and tell your mother in law to accept that with good grace.

Nice one 👌

Viviennemary · 14/09/2023 16:19

No this is not appropriate. Horrible man. You are quite right to feel the way you do.

Alondra · 14/09/2023 16:20

DuploTrain · 14/09/2023 14:19

This is horrendous. What does your DH say about it?

I think this covers it: “I don’t want to be around the man that assaulted me, and the woman who thinks it’s okay”.

Why on earth does her DH have any say on her assault? She's the one being smacked inappropriately by a man, FIL or not. If her DH excuses his father's behaviour, I will seriously consider ending the marriage ....and I don't say this lightly.

BowiesJumper · 14/09/2023 16:21

Did he smack you in anger? Or laughing/as a joke? Not a that either are acceptable. Did he ever explain why he did it? If it was hard enough to hurt that much it’s hardly a pat!