FIL smacked my bum

[wisewoman2023]

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

A mistake is not slapping someone on the backside so hard it hurts several days later. That is deliberate and assault. "I'm sorry" isn't a good enough apology. They need to vow never to do it again and learn that such behaviour is completely unacceptable in today's society.

Slapping someone on the arse is not a mistake. It is deliberate act.

It is sexual assault. Maybe OP should give FIL and MIL a slap back and see how they feel about it.

What an absolute load of bollocks. Really hope you don’t have any kids.

Said Donald Trump and andrew tate 😡

Excellent post.

It's not a mistake to slap a woman repeatedly on the arse. It's a deliberate choice. And unwanted touching. OP shouldn't be made to show grace about that.

The shit men get away with still is infuriating. Stop making excuses for perverse men.

I am not making excuses, I am thinking of the status quo and the husband stuck in the middle of this plus grandchildren who may no longer have grandparents

No one is stopping him from seeing his parents.

Why do you think he won’t see them, because OP won’t cook and host them anymore?

Does that mean DH has lost his legs and can’t go see his parents himself?

If Op’s PILs think it’s ok to assault someone ‘because they didn’t mean it’ then damn right they shouldn’t be seeing any future grandchildren.

Be Kind.

The usual message put out there to women. Just suck it up if you're assaulted, nobody cares, as long as wildly inappropriate father in law and weak, complacent husband are not even mildly inconvenienced.

Actions = consequences.

He decided it was okay to do that, mil decided you should accept it. Imo you should do what makes you comfortable and if that is keeping your distance so be it. His choice, you didn't ask him to do it. Your husband should understand your decision, if he don't then he also has the same issues of not understanding social behaviour, but im sure he will back you up on this one but you have to be very firm.

@IAmAnIdiot123 it's weird but it is actually a thing, especially in sports. I see it often when watching the rugby 😂

I'll go against the grain here,

I agree he sounds like a vile dirty old man, and you would be quite within your rights to fire him off out of your life, but personally, I would get together around the table, the four of you and have a very frank talk to thrash it out.

Explain you don't want to fall out with either of them, but he has crossed a red line and if it, (or anything like it_) happened again that would be the end.

He might storm off and walk out, but I would give him one last chance to reflect on what he had done.

Better to jaw jaw than war war as Churchill once said.

OP, your FIL assaulting you.

I highly doubt any adoption agency is going to want to inflict a family like that and a husband who denys the assault on a child.

His family are toxic and your FIL is violent.

You cannot deny this truth.

You need to think about your choices remaining with a man who would deny what was clearly an assault and want you to not protect yourself.

You should have reported it.

Don't try and inflict this family on any child.

Try and get an acceptable apology. If they do this, try again with them.

Why is it bullshit ?

And why should she accept the apology?

@Coxesorangepippin

Why is it bullshit?

And why should she accept the apology?

It’s HIS family so it’s up to him x

Keep them distant.

Keep them distant.

@Escapingafter50years

”I listen a lot to the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts, and one of the things said about apologies is that an apology without changed behaviour is nothing more than manipulation.”

Thank you so much for this. I grew up in an abusive household. This is absolutely perfect!

Are they swingers? How inappropriate. I'd be reporting it to the police.

A "mistake"?! JFC.

Since when is going NC after a sexual assault "flouncing"?

Sexual assault isn’t just a mistake. It’s not an age thing.

The only thing age related is that men used to be able to assault women and women were expected to accept it without making a fuss. Boss groped you? Try and laugh it off and make a point to try and stay out of reach. FIL slapped your ass repeatedly? Accept his apology and don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

Bullshit.

Every. Single. Time. FIL is mentioned, my answer would be, “He sexually assaulted me. There’s no coming back from that.”

Call it what it is, every time. This is COMPLETELY FIL’s fault. Not yours. He chose to assault you. The consequences are his.

Maybe once people actually experience consequences for sexually assaulting others, instead of family and friends covering up for them, there will actually be a decrease in the behaviour. But as long as people make excuses, like oh, he’s old, oh, he’s family, oh, your poor husband in the middle, enable people to assault others, then nothing will change