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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL smacked my bum

211 replies

wisewoman2023 · 14/09/2023 14:11

I have a frought relationship with my in laws. They have no boundaries and are what I think toxic parents to their adult children.

Anyway, last Christmas my FIL smacked my bum three times in quick succession. It hurt and I could feel it for days after. I have kept them at arms length since. I do not feel comfortable him staying in my house, and when he asked to stay over we have declined as I do not feel I received an apology.

He apologised at the time but it was defensive. My MIL has now written to me to say that it was just a "pat on the bum" and meant as a "well done". She says that I need to accept the apology with "good grace".

I don't want a relationship with them. This has come after 14 years of being treated not very well by them. How do I explain that I don't want contact with them to my DH? I want us to continue a happy marriage, and I'm happy for him to continue a relationship with them, but I don't want to be included in that. Is this possible?

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 14/09/2023 16:22

It's not OK for him to touch your bottom in anyway - if you don't want contact, DH should understand this. That said OP, are you exagerating the force used? It would have to be a truly bizzare scene, a nasty physical assault, to be felt 3 days later. Did he pin you down or against the wall or something, to manage that? Was this witnessed? Why did no one intervene? Did it leave marks? Even a pat would be out of order and creepy. A full on act of violence is another level.

Alleycatz · 14/09/2023 16:25

Did he smack you in anger? Or laughing/as a joke? Not a that either are acceptable. Did he ever explain why he did it? If it was hard enough to hurt that much it’s hardly a pat!

Men do these things as controlling power plays. They do it to display dominance.

Throwncrumbs · 14/09/2023 16:27

Yawn!

Coffeetree · 14/09/2023 16:28

FabFitFifties · 14/09/2023 16:22

It's not OK for him to touch your bottom in anyway - if you don't want contact, DH should understand this. That said OP, are you exagerating the force used? It would have to be a truly bizzare scene, a nasty physical assault, to be felt 3 days later. Did he pin you down or against the wall or something, to manage that? Was this witnessed? Why did no one intervene? Did it leave marks? Even a pat would be out of order and creepy. A full on act of violence is another level.

Honestly, get some therapy and go away.

OP I really think you should consider going to the police and victim support. This is a really toxic and unsafe position for you to be in, where you've been sexually assaulted and everyone in the family is now blaming you for the natural fall-out. You really can't keep your kids in this situation where sexual abuse is normalised.

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 16:30

You’ve not said what your husband thinks, both of the event when it happened and now.

does he agree about the decades of mistreatment?

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 16:31

Itick8outof10boxes · 14/09/2023 15:33

Anyone who does this to me gets a smack right back. I get aggressive very easily around people like this and will potentially hurt them badly.
I have no conscience about doing it.

And you think this makes you any better a person?

BasicPumpkinSpice · 14/09/2023 16:33

OP stand your ground no one should put up with such an assault!

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 16:33

Coffeetree · 14/09/2023 16:28

Honestly, get some therapy and go away.

OP I really think you should consider going to the police and victim support. This is a really toxic and unsafe position for you to be in, where you've been sexually assaulted and everyone in the family is now blaming you for the natural fall-out. You really can't keep your kids in this situation where sexual abuse is normalised.

Show quote history

Op. You habe literally wrote he assaulted you so badly later you were still in pain,that is indeed a violent assault. Others were clearly present.

again, other than your mil minimising, what does your husband think?

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 16:34

FabFitFifties · 14/09/2023 16:22

It's not OK for him to touch your bottom in anyway - if you don't want contact, DH should understand this. That said OP, are you exagerating the force used? It would have to be a truly bizzare scene, a nasty physical assault, to be felt 3 days later. Did he pin you down or against the wall or something, to manage that? Was this witnessed? Why did no one intervene? Did it leave marks? Even a pat would be out of order and creepy. A full on act of violence is another level.

Agree.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 14/09/2023 16:36

If it were my FIL, and my DH knew it had happened, I wouldn't feel the need to justify anything. It is what it is. He could take it or leave it.

If DH were to ask me why I'm not in contact with his parents, I'd probably say something like "why would I want to be in contact with any man who hits me, on the arse or anywhere else?".

If my DH DARED to argue it was an "ok" smack, well, I can think of half a dozen responses I'd have for him.

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 16:37

Unless the smacks were on bare skin (and I bloody hope not), I'm struggling to see that a smack/slap through clothing would still hurt even a few minutes after, let alone 3 whole days.

If it did, it sounds like he punched you, not smacked you and I'd be tempted to take it further too. Are you underplaying what really happened? Whatever or however he hit you, it's outrageous and unacceptable. What did your DH say/do at the time?

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 16:45

I can’t understand it either. To be hit so hard you are still in pain days later is a very violent assault that would leave signficant marks and bruising. No happy marriage would come with an expectation of being near your assailant again, it would not be a question.

op, are you over or under exaggerating. Did he hit you with a baseball bat or another Implement to cause this level of damage? Are you trying ro down play it?

RantyAnty · 14/09/2023 16:46

What a vile psycho. He really has to put some conscious effort into hitting you hard enough to cause pain for days.

butterpuffed · 14/09/2023 16:46

I believe that what OP's FIL did was highly inappropriate but think saying it hurt for three days afterwards is an exaggeration , as they would have to be three almightily hard whacks to have that effect . So why say it .

housethatbuiltme · 14/09/2023 16:47

An apology doesn't always fix things, especially not an insincere one.

Its like that saying:

Take a plate and smash it on the ground, then say 'sorry'. Now did the apology magically fix the plate? or is it still broken from your actions?

UkeleleUnicycle · 14/09/2023 16:48

Stop victim blaming everyone who is picking over the three days later thing

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 16:50

UkeleleUnicycle · 14/09/2023 16:48

Stop victim blaming everyone who is picking over the three days later thing

Don’t be ridiculous , victim blaming means saying it was the victims fault. It’s literally what it says it is. Not one person has suggested the op was to blame for getting attacked.

housethatbuiltme · 14/09/2023 16:53

Also surely pain depends on the person. There lots of physiological issues that could cause pain from a sharp blow to the pelvic region.

I have a damaged Cluneal nerve on my right iliac crest, sometime its fine but sometimes just standing up or moving wrong can set it off. Being hit on the ass (especially if I was bent over and off balance) could not only 'hurt' like hell but easily paralyse my leg for upward of a week until the swelling round the nerve subsides.

spilltheteapot · 14/09/2023 16:55

This is all gross. I’m sorry for you OP.

When I was a young adult, the father of my ex tweaked my braless nipple through my pyjama top. I remember being so shocked. It happened in front of his wife and my ex.

Irridescantshimmmer · 14/09/2023 17:03

He needs a warning that if he even tries to do that again, you will have him charged for assault.

What you say to him OP is of course your choice. Your partner NEEDS to stand by you, and do not allow him under your roof if you feel even slightly uncomfortable about it. You have every right to feel comfortable in your own home.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 14/09/2023 17:06

DuploTrain · 14/09/2023 14:19

This is horrendous. What does your DH say about it?

I think this covers it: “I don’t want to be around the man that assaulted me, and the woman who thinks it’s okay”.

I'm another who thinks this is spot on. He sexually assaulted you and his wife just brushes it off as unimportant? WTF?!

Lastchancechica · 14/09/2023 17:14

Obscene. I would cut him off indefinitely. Do you have dc?

PuzzledObserver · 14/09/2023 17:16

Alondra · 14/09/2023 16:20

Why on earth does her DH have any say on her assault? She's the one being smacked inappropriately by a man, FIL or not. If her DH excuses his father's behaviour, I will seriously consider ending the marriage ....and I don't say this lightly.

Show quote history

It’s not so much that her DH has any say on her assault….. more a question to find out whether he has her back, I think. If her DH thinks it was acceptable behaviour, then she has a bigger problem.

GrumpyPanda · 14/09/2023 17:17

bridgwaterpink · 14/09/2023 16:31

And you think this makes you any better a person?

Show quote history

Don't be so ridiculously sanctimonious. @Itick8outof10boxes did not say she makes a habit out of assaulting people the way OP's FIL does. This may come as a surprise to. you if you're in the be kiiiiiind brigade but women are under no obligation to turn the other cheek to sexual assault. Yes, many of us will freeze in a situation as OP has described and that's fine, natural and instinctive and nothing to beat ourselves up about. However, nor do we have to apologize if our natural instinct is to punch back, and hard.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2023 17:21

As a well done?!

Does he smack men on the arse as a well done?

You mil is a horrendous handmaiden;

Minimisation - just a pat
Bizarre illogical excuses - it was a "well done" gesture
Patronising coercive orders - you will accept the half arsed (no pun intended) apology or you're a bad person/unreasonable.

The good grace comment heavily implies you're someone with "bad" grace if you don't do what they want.

As someone said, what a c*nt.

I'm embarrassed for her staying with a man like that, let alone trying to manipulate other women he's acted totally inappropriately towards to let it go/pretend its ok etc.