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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

225 replies

julianafr · 13/09/2023 07:56

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

OP posts:
ShutTheDoorBabe · 13/09/2023 07:57

But your friend, in so sorry to read, lost their parents not their partner and children?

Lollyloup91 · 13/09/2023 07:58

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.
I guess looking at it from his side he means the fact it's losing 2 people, rather than 1, but he said it in a really baaaad way, maybe.

What else has he said that means he sides with his mum?

Wakeywake · 13/09/2023 07:58

You're seriously overthinking this, looks like you're trying very hard to find something to hold over his head.

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 07:59

FGS

Your friend’s parents have died in horrific circumstances

and you’re navel gazing about this

mind boggling

YouHoooo · 13/09/2023 07:59

Don’t be silly - he’s thinking of parents because it’s his friend’s parents that have died.

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 07:59

Yesterday you receive the news
and 8am following morning this is what you’re thinking about

Defiantjazz · 13/09/2023 07:59

So you're annoyed because your DP would be upset if both his parents were killed in a RTA?

Doingmybest12 · 13/09/2023 08:00

Your reaction to what he said is utterly weird. It was parents who died , that's what he thought about. Bit taken aback that you brought it back to you when he was empathising with friends.

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/09/2023 08:00

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.

Looking at where the OP closes the quote on the comment, I'd say no, he didn't say that, OP is making that statement.

SlippySarah · 13/09/2023 08:00

You are over thinking it. You aren't in competition with his parents. He has chosen to marry you and have his life with you. He is still allowed to care about his parents.

Dotjones · 13/09/2023 08:01

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.

Did you read an entirely different OP to me? It doesn't say he said that. It says he said he couldn't imagine anything worse than losing his parents in a car crash. The OP has conjectured that he'd be fine with her dying instead. Nowhere does it say the child dies.

ASimpleLobsterHat · 13/09/2023 08:01

"I can't think of anything worse" is just a phrase, I'm sure we all use it about things where if we stopped and thought about it we could definitely think of worse things. You are way overthinking this. He didn't say that losing his parents like that would be worse than losing you and his child, he just made a comment related to the actual event that had just happened.

Shep21 · 13/09/2023 08:01

I think you’re overthinking this. Our partner’s relationship with their parents can often feel a little too close. But honestly, his comment sounds completely normal. He doesn’t want to even consider losing you or his child. This has been said in response to someone you know losing both parents.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2023 08:01

No, I think you’re overreacting and it’s a bit unfair to your DH.

The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'.

His reaction - to think how he’d feel if the same thing happened to him, losing his parents - is natural.

I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

He just didn’t think of losing you and your child. Because it’s a different scenario, not directly comparable. He didn’t necessarily mean it absolutely literally, that there was nothing worse that could ever happen. He just spoke without thinking.

Don’t nurse a grudge that shouldn’t exist.

Allthestories · 13/09/2023 08:01

Lollyloup91 · 13/09/2023 07:58

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.
I guess looking at it from his side he means the fact it's losing 2 people, rather than 1, but he said it in a really baaaad way, maybe.

What else has he said that means he sides with his mum?

Read the post again. Slowly this time...

Sceptre86 · 13/09/2023 08:02

You are completely being oversensitive and a bit of a prat. He heard a situation of a friends parents dying and it bought his own parents mortality into sharp focus. We expect to lose out parents at some point but to lose them together must of course be utterly devastating and that was what he was referring too. Just sounds like you've taken it completely the wrong way.

I would give your head a wobble and not mention this to him if I were you. Don't make this situation about you when it really isn't!

Yabu.

72EasyLessons · 13/09/2023 08:03

You’re being unreasonable. He’s thinking of his parents because it’s your friend’s parents who died. It pretty worrying that you’re being this petty, and suggests significant issues in the relationship you need to resolve.

Allthestories · 13/09/2023 08:03

It's such a tragic loss. In this instance i think your DH thought of his parents because it was the parents who died. No need to over think it.

Fleur405 · 13/09/2023 08:04

You are reading way too much into what is a fairly ordinary statement. He heard of someone losing both parents in a tragic car accident and said “I can’t think of anything worse” - he just meant that’s really terrible thing to happen. Not I’ve really thought about it and absolutely anything else that might happen to me including you dying would be better than that and I’m taking this opportunity to let you know you are second best in my life.

Abfab63 · 13/09/2023 08:04

Are you actually serious ?!?!?!?

Sirzy · 13/09/2023 08:04

You’re putting words in his mouth. His response to the awful news was perfectly normal, I could well imagine me thinking the same if a friend experienced similar.

focus on supporting your friends rather than over analysing.

RecklessBlackberries · 13/09/2023 08:04

"I can't think of anything worse" could be interpreted so many ways, I think you're being pedantic. For a start, it's usually not meant literally in the first place. Either it's an exaggerated method of expressing sympathy or just something said in shock.

But second, it could just mean "in the context of losing parents, I can't think of anything worse than losing both of them at once in an unexpected brutal tragedy". Which is entirely reasonable.

Medlady · 13/09/2023 08:05

When someone says something at a time of stress and distress, it is unfair to analyse it as though it were his degree dissertation

KrisAkabusi · 13/09/2023 08:06

No it doesn't! You're being massively unfair to him because you don't like his mother.

ChristmasCrumpet · 13/09/2023 08:06

Is your first thought in everything, if you've come higher in the pecking order than his mother?

I find your reaction extremely self absorbed.

It reminds me of that thing where person A says "you look nice today" and rather than saying thank you, person B responds "so you're saying I don't normally look nice then".

Not cool.