Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

225 replies

julianafr · 13/09/2023 07:56

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

OP posts:
Newuser75 · 13/09/2023 11:31

YouHoooo · 13/09/2023 07:59

Don’t be silly - he’s thinking of parents because it’s his friend’s parents that have died.

I'd take it to mean this also.

RoomOfRequirement · 13/09/2023 11:34

I'm floored reading this. OP, what a shitty human you are. If my DH turned something like this into something about himself I'd consider leaving. Just one of the most heartless, selfish things I've read.

Think long and hard about yourself.

ungryHippy · 13/09/2023 11:34

Lollyloup91 · 13/09/2023 07:58

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.
I guess looking at it from his side he means the fact it's losing 2 people, rather than 1, but he said it in a really baaaad way, maybe.

What else has he said that means he sides with his mum?

No he didn't say losing a child would be better. That's just the OP's interpretation. AKA looking for something to be offended by.

Bigthingssmall · 13/09/2023 11:37

YouHoooo · 13/09/2023 07:59

Don’t be silly - he’s thinking of parents because it’s his friend’s parents that have died.

This. Its actually quite revolting that you have made this all about you.

Its you whose overstepping boundaries here.

TheWernethWife · 13/09/2023 11:40

Your husband takes his mother's side over you, disgraceful. He bloody needs to cut the umbilical cord. That's why mine is an ex.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 11:41

No he didn't say losing a child would be better. That's just the OP's interpretation. AKA looking for something to be offended by.

Yes, like the old joke about the DIL who gives her MIL two lovely coats - a blue and a green one - for her birthday. The MIL comes in wearing the blue coat, beaming and raving about how beautiful, comfy, stylish and well-made it is, and how much she absolutely loves it.

In response, the DIL instantly ushers her DH into another room, with a face like thunder, and hisses "There, I just knew that evil bitch would complain about the green one!"

CharlotteBog · 13/09/2023 11:42

Your friend's parents died and your husband then thinks of his own parents.

How can you possibly think it is weird of him to think that? It's the opposite of weird, it's an entirely appropriate response.

The issue of your DH not supporting you when it comes to your MIL respecting your boundaries is one that needs to be addressed, but you do need to separate the two in this instance.

Crunched · 13/09/2023 11:43

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 09:21

I think parents forget that their children will grow up. How can someone be insecure if a husband has a good relationship with his mum?

It's so short-sighted, isn't it?

These will be the MN threads of the future, where somebody is devastated because her adult (probably) DS never sees her or has time for her. Now he has a wife, it's like she doesn't exist anymore. And yet, at the same time, she is angry whenever her DH shows a deep love for and wants to spend time with his parents.

An older work colleague said to me once, when I was moaning about my DH including (M)ILs in our plans, as I did a lot in my 20's. "The way a man cares for his mother says much about how he will care for his wife".
30+ years of happy marriage later, I think colleague was correct.

Pista41 · 13/09/2023 11:46

No YABU. Of course he thought of his parents because it was the friend’s parents who died. If it had been their child he no doubt would have said about your child.

My friend’s sibling died unexpectedly recently, my thoughts were about if my sibling died, not my child, because that’s not the scenario here.

MinnieTruck · 13/09/2023 11:55

You are so ridiculous it’s unbelievable

PaulaZackMayo · 13/09/2023 11:55

I think he meant that if there was any way to lose your parents it would be in a sudden accident at the same time. Losing a person in a car accident is devastating so to lose both parents at the same time like this would be horrendous and a big shock.

This is nothing to do do with how he feels about you or your DC.

I feel very sorry for your friend.

Rewis · 13/09/2023 12:08

Friend: "My mother just died"
Partner: "I can't imagine what it would feel like losing a child"
This would be a weird conversation.

Mari9999 · 13/09/2023 12:12

@TheWernethWife
The only side that should ever be taken is the side with truth and logic.

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 12:13

julianafr · 13/09/2023 09:19

English isn't my first language and I've lived here for just over a year (but learnt English for longer) so would appreciate a bit less hate as I don't know all the turns of phrase as much as a native would!

But it’s the fact that this issue is troubling you rather than the horror your friend is enduring that is so profoundly awful and bugger all to do with your grasp of English

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 12:15

Bluntly speaking, there could always be 'something worse' than even the most heartbreaking tragedies. You could lose four loved ones in a car accident, but then they could have been on a plane with 250 of your other family and friends that crashed into a mountain. And even that would not be as bad as a nuclear apocalypse that wipes out the whole town/country/world.

People are reacting to the situation that has just happened in reality, when they say 'nothing worse than' - I'd be amazed (and disgusted) at somebody acting like some kind of a sick Alan Partridge and seeking to theoretically evaluate and quantify exactly how bad in the scheme of things any given real-life tragedy might be, in comparison with another potential (even if unlikely) scenario.

Throwncrumbs · 13/09/2023 12:18

Another MIL bashing thread in a roundabout way. What is it on here with women slagging off the mother of the person they have decided is to marry, she bought up the bloke to be a good enough person that you have decided to spend your life with, but as soon as the wedding day is over they get slagged off. They overstep boundaries all the time, but you hardly ever see ‘my mother is over stepping boundaries’. It’s like as soon as you are married he has to ditch his mother/ his side of the family cos he’s got you now! Bloody ridiculous, every little misdemeanour is the MIL s fault, prob would be if we lived the other side of the world!

Gjendefloooo · 13/09/2023 12:18

YABU and absolutely ridiculous.
How self-absorbed can you get.
Your friend lost both parents in a crash and you turn this in to a whole load of crap about how your husband would rather lose you in a crash than his parents.

It's a turn of phrase.
If the friend had lost a partner and child in the crash he'd have said "I can't imagine anything worse" about that too.

You are being ridiculous. Get a grip.

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 12:19

Throwncrumbs · 13/09/2023 12:18

Another MIL bashing thread in a roundabout way. What is it on here with women slagging off the mother of the person they have decided is to marry, she bought up the bloke to be a good enough person that you have decided to spend your life with, but as soon as the wedding day is over they get slagged off. They overstep boundaries all the time, but you hardly ever see ‘my mother is over stepping boundaries’. It’s like as soon as you are married he has to ditch his mother/ his side of the family cos he’s got you now! Bloody ridiculous, every little misdemeanour is the MIL s fault, prob would be if we lived the other side of the world!

I really didn’t get this as a MIL bashing thread! 😂

CleverLilViper · 13/09/2023 12:20

Lollyloup91 · 13/09/2023 07:58

Woah! He said losing a child would be better? That's a bit worrying that he'd say that.
I guess looking at it from his side he means the fact it's losing 2 people, rather than 1, but he said it in a really baaaad way, maybe.

What else has he said that means he sides with his mum?

He didn’t say that, though. He was
simply empathising with how hard losing both your parents at the same time was.

SemperIdem · 13/09/2023 12:20

Yabu

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 12:20

But I’ll take a punt that you are experiencing some tension with your DIL @Throwncrumbs

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 13/09/2023 12:22

If this is your attitude,then...

Mistymist · 13/09/2023 12:26

You are unreasonable and ridiculous to turn someone else's tragedy into your own drama.

Throwncrumbs · 13/09/2023 12:32

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 12:19

I really didn’t get this as a MIL bashing thread! 😂

Show quote history

In a roundabout way…😂

ZoeCM · 13/09/2023 12:33

TheWernethWife · 13/09/2023 11:40

Your husband takes his mother's side over you, disgraceful. He bloody needs to cut the umbilical cord. That's why mine is an ex.

So you think men should always side with their wives over their mothers, even if their mother is in the right? If a woman makes a nasty comment about her mother-in-law, her husband should automatically side with her? Why?