Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

[julianafr]

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

It's a turn of phrase. Nothing more, nothing less.

It's not always about you, OP.
The only person you will always and forever come first with is you.
You have that sorted.

”I can’t think of anything worse” is a fairly well used phrase in response to an awful situation. You are so overthinking this.

You are making this about you in a very strange way which maybe points to some of the history that you take exception to not being entirely as you perceive it to be.

You should be concentrating on supporting your friend. Not looking for imagined slights. Address other boundary issues with MIL or relationship issues with your DH when this awful shock is less raw and you can think more rationally about it all.

You lack empathy really

Just read your update about English not being your first language. Your English read perfectly well. It’s the focus on yourself that’s the issue here, not your ability to explain things.

It’s not all about you @julianafr. I’d have said exactly the same as your bloke, I’m pretty sure my husband would too.

I don't know all the turns of phrase as much as a native would!

*I can’t think of anything worse…..” is something widely used in English to cover a variety of situations, both serious and flippant. For example, my DD used it in relation to her friend suggesting a camping trip. I knew what she meant and knew it was an idiomatic saying - not that she literally thought that being abducted and tortured would be better than having to sleep in a tent in a field in Devon. In your DH’s case, he was being empathetic to his friend, who had clearly suffered a devastating loss; so his words meant “how absolutely terrible; I cannot imagine how upset I would feel in a similar scenario situation”. It really isn’t about you!

It's not your language that's the problem, it's your 'me me me' attitude.

I think it’s ridiculous that you are thinking about yourself at such a time over something your husband said?!?!

or more importantly didn’t say!

shame on you

OP, it's just an expression. You're displaying record-breaking levels of self-absorption.

I think with the nice little late drip feed that OP's first language isn't English and she hasn't been here long, despite her perfectly written OP (including correctly using commas to indicate English conversational mannerisms in the written word), that this is just fake rage bait.

People often say "I cant think of anything worse".....it's a turn of phrase. I often say it, and have to then say "Well, of course there are things worse"

@VeridicalVagabond I also just read the OP back and you are right, it's a beautifully punctuated and written post for a (presumably) French native speaker!

@julianafr FYI the correct reaction to the answers here would have been: "oh hell, I've never heard the 'can't imagine anything worse' phrase and took it literally, not realising that it's a common phrase in everyday English that can apply to paper cuts or a documentary about monster trucks, not just truly awful things. My bad, I can see what a self-absorbed twat I looked now. Well, I've learned something new. Sorry, I feel an idiot now."

OP I use that phrase alot, sometimes even for trivial things such as jobs I wouldn't like to do. It's just a phrase not to be taken literally. Hope that makes sense if English is not your first language.

You are self centred.

Even if you set the language aside, so what if your husband feels his parents would be a greater loss than his wife? He's known them for his entire life; whereas you he's known for a comparatively short time. They are his only parents, he will never have others; whereas people often have multiple romantic partners, and have children with more than one person. When they die, his parents are gone, irreplaceable; if you die, one hopes he would find love again.

You are comparing entirely unlike things, with worrying self-absorption.

When it comes to relationships, so many women seem to have brains full of illogical, unrealistic, romanticised mush. 🤷‍♀️

Yabu.

What you've done here is take a tragic event and make it all about you.

I would echo a poster above who detailed if that's your leap, there's something wrong with your relationship.

I agree.
If it is genuine, then congratulations OP on picking up a very British way of expressing yourself in just a year.

Now work on your empathy skills.

@julianafr

You thought processes are a bit twisted. Nothing that he said warranted the reaction that you had. Your response speaks to a level of insecurity and immaturity that might require some level of professional help.
The feelings of competitiveness and perhaps questioning your spouse 's ability to love sufficiently all of the people in his family orbit is something that needs to be addressed in a healthy manner.

He could also have meant that if you're going to lose your parents then unexpectedly and together is the worst way, although I'd argue together is nicer for them but that's beside the point.

Not wanting to derail, but whilst I agree about it being 'nicer' both going together when your time is up, if the friend is a similar age to OP & DH, their parents are very unlikely to have been in their 90s - and so a case of them passing quickly and suddenly instead of an alternative of maybe living in drawn-out pain and distress with dementia in a care home.

They may have been under 70 - so it's hardly like it was a 'blessed release' for them.

You are the problem here, sorry.

I think youre being oversensitive likely due to previous events. It's just a turn of phrase. In this instance it's referring to something pretty tragic and I'd say it's high up on the list of awful things that could happen. I don't think he meant it would be literally the worst thing in the world.
Yesterday when l got soaked in the rain i said there's nothing worse than sitting through the afternoon with a soggy sock...well there is...how about no sock....or maybe no foot...or perhaps I've got toothache too (the worst pain ever!) and a presentation to deliver plus 200 emails....and kids got D&V...or I've just been raped or diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Did he actually say he'd rather lose you and your child? I doubt it....oh and l suggest not asking him either, those games never end well.

You seem to be looking for trouble. 🙄

FFS - try offering your friend some sympathy and support, instead of making mountains of what wasn't said in an immediate - and very normal - reaction from your partner.
talk about self absorbed.

You’re one of those people that makes things all about them. His reaction is completely normal and it’s a turn of phrase ‘I couldn’t think of anything worse’ is something people say. Sounds like he cares deeply about his parents, but unless he caveats his comment with *I couldn’t think of anything worse than my parents dying in a car crash, apart from losing the wife of my young child who is far far more precious to me than my parents.