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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

225 replies

julianafr · 13/09/2023 07:56

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/09/2023 09:08

His friend has just lost both parents in a horrific manner

He is reacting as expected, in shock and using a common turn of phrase that gets uses 100 times a day and isn't used literally.

You are being out of order to turn this tragedy around and make this about you and you not being centre of attention

I notice how YOU didn't mention him considering it awful if his child died, you were only centred on yourself being less important, and its PP who have mentioned a child dying

But I also suspect OP won't be back

NurseNeerDoWell · 13/09/2023 09:09

Would love to hear MILs side of these issues Grin

Fourlegsandatail · 13/09/2023 09:09

What he said was totally normal in the context of your friend’s tragic loss of their parents. You are twisting this because of your own insecurities.

Cosyblankets · 13/09/2023 09:13

His first thought was what the friend was going through and therefore how he'd feel in the same situation losing his parents.
Your first thought was your own insecurity.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 09:13

This really is taking jealousy of your in-laws to another level. I agree with PPs: I'm shocked that you're trying to turn around somebody's nightmare tragedy and refocus it so that it's actually all about you.

People - even men - are still allowed to love and care about their own parents after they marry.

I get the impression on here that some people don't actually understand what the crime of bigamy is - it's perfectly normal to love your parents, love your spouse and love your children, without any of that needing to be a competition.

UntidyFairy · 13/09/2023 09:14

But second, it could just mean "in the context of losing parents, I can't think of anything worse than losing both of them at once in an unexpected brutal tragedy". Which is entirely reasonable

That's exactly how I read it too

CarpeDiemCarpeDontem · 13/09/2023 09:15

OP I’m in the same age bracket and I really do understand why you’ve thought that because I am a chronic overthinker and honestly my brain goes in a similar direction with things but gently, this is definitely an overthink and a picking apart of a common phrase that he didn’t mean literally

WhoPutCrabsticksInMyBedroom · 13/09/2023 09:15

CafeAuLaitRoyale · 13/09/2023 08:45

I geniunely cannot tell what's a real post on mn anymore. Thye all seem so ridiculous, they appear to be written just to whip people up.

Is it just me?

I do agree, but it probably is real, even some of the replies are supportive, but it is replies like this I find batshit

But it's clear that you feel insecure about your husband's relationship with his mum

I think parents forget that their children will grow up. How can someone be insecure if a husband has a good relationship with his mum?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 09:16

I notice how YOU didn't mention him considering it awful if his child died, you were only centred on yourself being less important, and its PP who have mentioned a child dying

Good point. Suppose a friend had lost his wife in a tragic accident, and then OP's DH responded by saying "I'm so sad, as I'm imagining if that happened to you. I'd be devastated to lose you; but at least it wouldn't be anywhere like as bad as losing DC." I'm sure OP would smile approvingly at this...

accountpasswordaboutyou · 13/09/2023 09:16

Such a strange reaction from you, OP. I think you're reading way too much into this and really making it about you. I always think it's a good sign when a partner has a healthy, loving relationship with their parents but maybe that's just me.

WearyLady · 13/09/2023 09:17

You are being unreasonable and so is your husband. We all know there's nothing worse than a paper cut. ...

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/09/2023 09:17

He won’t be expecting you to die though so it won’t even be on his brain that you would if that makes sense. We don’t think about our partners dying at young ages but people do think ahead as to their parents dying.

10HailMarys · 13/09/2023 09:17

You’re being ridiculous.

Cosyblankets · 13/09/2023 09:18

The more i think about this the more i think it can't possibly be real

porridgeisbae · 13/09/2023 09:19

I think like PP's said that you're overthinking/have misinterpreted when it comes to that particular statement.

He was just thinking of a particular terrible thing because it had just happened to someone he knows. So he thinks how awful it might be to experience that particular thing.

Yes he said 'I can't think of anything worse,' but that was probably said in shock and the heat of the moment rather than having any bearing on how he feels about you. x

But there obviously is a history of you not being happy with some of his behaviour.

But second, it could just mean "in the context of losing parents, I can't think of anything worse than losing both of them at once in an unexpected brutal tragedy". Which is entirely reasonable

This is a good point too.

Whattodo112222 · 13/09/2023 09:19

Oh for goodness sake

Original poster
julianafr · 13/09/2023 09:19

English isn't my first language and I've lived here for just over a year (but learnt English for longer) so would appreciate a bit less hate as I don't know all the turns of phrase as much as a native would!

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 13/09/2023 09:20

The navel gazing. Damn.

His reaction is completely normal. I hope you've had a word with yourself.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/09/2023 09:21

There's no hate op. Just a lot of surprise that you've made the death of your friend's parents a little bit about you!

Yabu.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 09:21

I think parents forget that their children will grow up. How can someone be insecure if a husband has a good relationship with his mum?

It's so short-sighted, isn't it?

These will be the MN threads of the future, where somebody is devastated because her adult (probably) DS never sees her or has time for her. Now he has a wife, it's like she doesn't exist anymore. And yet, at the same time, she is angry whenever her DH shows a deep love for and wants to spend time with his parents.

ColleenDonaghy · 13/09/2023 09:21

I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

I can't believe if you were going straight to the literal interpretation of his words you went with you dying and not your child. Playing "the worst thing that could happen" in sincerity is usually a very short game for parents.

You're just stirring and point scoring, not great.

BusyMum47 · 13/09/2023 09:22

Fleur405 · 13/09/2023 08:04

You are reading way too much into what is a fairly ordinary statement. He heard of someone losing both parents in a tragic car accident and said “I can’t think of anything worse” - he just meant that’s really terrible thing to happen. Not I’ve really thought about it and absolutely anything else that might happen to me including you dying would be better than that and I’m taking this opportunity to let you know you are second best in my life.

Exactly!! ⬆️

It was parents who died - he was making the link & the 'nothing worse' comment refers to the circumstances of losing both so unexpectedly/tragically. He wasn't saying he'd rather lose you & his children over his parents - get a grip & stop making your friends' awful loss about you?!

Insommmmnia · 13/09/2023 09:22

it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse

You are translating this to:

I can't think of anything worse than losing my parents

When I think the key bit is that he

Can't think of anything worse than losing two parents unexpectedly together rather than say one at once with some indication to give you time to prepare yourself

He's not talking about losing his parents being the worst case senario. He's taking about the worse case senario for losing his parents

They are two quite different things

givemeasunnyday · 13/09/2023 09:24

You are being ridiculous.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 13/09/2023 09:25

You are being unreasonable and so is your husband. We all know there's nothing worse than a paper cut. ...

I still giggle whenever I hear Paloma Faith on the radio, thinking back to one time when Ken Bruce played her track 'Only Love Can Hurt Like This' and then, afterwards, said "Oooooh, you can tell that she's never had a paper cut!" Grin