Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

[julianafr]

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

I don’t think there’s hate OP, just surprise at how you’ve responded to his shock.

I also think it’s less about language or colloquial expression and more about emotion and empathy. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced bereavement, or if you’ve been subject to such a massive shock, let alone both at once?
Most of us find this situation unimaginable.

His reaction is a totally normal, empathetic response to someone else's tragedy.

Yours on the other hand...

Way to make someone else's grief all about you and your (imagined) problems.

Your poor DH - I'm guessing you didn't say 'I know exactly what you mean, isn't it awful' and give him a hug...

@julianafr

Not only are you being over dramatic but you’re also being very silly indeed.

I can only presume 2 things about your life!

1. You’ve never lost a parent
2. You’ve never lost a child

Your friend has just lost both their parents in an accident, your DH has a realisation of how utterly horrific it must be to lose both parents at once, and all you can think is that he would prefer you and your child to die over his parents dying?

I’m not going to say the things I want to, because you’re young and selfish and it’s all about you, so I will say this.

I have lost children, not miscarriages but older teens and also my mother. And I will tell you now, I would sacrifice myself, my husband, and both my parents to have my children alive.

So, please think about that and stop creating a drama out of nothing, and even worse, making your friend’s tragedy and trauma, all about you. Because it’s not!

Nothing like making another person’s tragedy all about yourself. Grow up.

Could you not work out his meaning from general context, tone etc??

I think actually you are looking for problems where they don't exist. Poor guy.

Okay. These are examples of how and where the phrase is commonly used:

They're going on holiday to Dubai?! I can't think of anything worse!

The birthday meal is going to be at McDonald's?! I can't think of anything worse

She's got to work night shifts from now on? I can't think of anything worse

I hope that helps you understand how liberally and not literally the phrase is used.

You are being unreasonable here

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No she doesn't.

He said he can't think of anything worse than losing his parents in car crash. When clearly, most people would easily be able to think of something worse, if they have children.

But since its clearly not really about what he said, but his long term history of putting his parents first, its the responses on here which show limited understanding.

It would've been best to add to your original post that English isn't your native language, as I think then people would've gone more easy on you. It's a phrase that shouldn't be taken literally. I've said I can't think of anything worse to things like sitting through a boring play. Obviously there are things that are worse. Your husband didn't mean anything by it.

He didn't say losing his wife and child would be better

The hysteria here! He said he couldn't imagine anything worse than both parents dying together in a car crash. It's a horrific thing to happen and he's empathising with the friend thats lost both parents suddenly

You sound very Immature and high maintaince

OP, don't use a language barrier as an excuse, it might apply in some instances, but this isn't one of them. There is no hate... you asked if you were being unreasonable and you don't like that everyone has told you that you are.

Your husband feeling sorrow for his friends you have made into something all about you.

And if people recognise this, and tell you it's not ok, you call it "hate" towards you.

You need to take a step back and look at both of those things.

Solipsism at its’finest’.

OP you are in the wrong.

He did not say anything wrong.

Do not say anything to him about it.

V worrying that you are so self absorbed. Does everything have to be about you? You don't like his Mum end of.

Woah! He said losing a child would be better?

No he didn't. He said "I can't think of anything worse", in the way people say "Oh, there's nothing worse than a paper cut" or "There's nothing worse than a summer cold". It doesn't literally mean there's nothing worse.

Errr did no one else spot this;

“I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.”

Nothing about her child dying as some posters have suggested she compared the situation too, just OP the mother of said child.

TBH OP I’m surprised your husband even talks to you. You sound incredibly self-absorbed and very difficult.

The world does not revolve around you.

Focus less on yourself and more on your friend who just lost their parents

I have said to my husband "I can't think of anything worse" than spending a week with his mother. He agrees it's hard work, but "She's my mother, can we grin and bear it?"

Obviously I can think of a whole load of things a lot worse, but am trying to emphasise the sacrifice I'm making. And get a few brownie points.

@Aquestioningmind

yes lots “spotted” it 😂

So you take a tragic incident and make it about you?

Nice one.

You're doing the same sort of thing saying your death as the mother of his child should be the worst thing when I'd think the death of the child would be the worst thing.

I don't think he was discounting you and I don't think you are discounting the child, it's just something that in the moment sounds unbearable.

OP he means he can’t think of anything worse as in a worse way to lose your parents. Not literally nothing else in the world would be worse

You sound ridiculous.

You're overthinking it. He said his parents because it was his friend's parents who died, if it had been his friend's wife and child he would have said that. I'm sure if he thought about it he knows losing his child and wife would be worse, it was just a reflex response where he thought in parallels.

He could also have meant that if you're going to lose your parents then unexpectedly and together is the worst way, although I'd argue together is nicer for them but that's beside the point.

You're over-thinking this. Of course he didn't carefully rank events that might never happen in order of sadness, he was just thinking specifically how you'd feel at losing your parents.

No offence but this isn't about you!