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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean my husband values his parents more than me?

225 replies

julianafr · 13/09/2023 07:56

Both in our early 30s. I've had a few issues with my MIL (just in terms of her overstepping and not respecting boundaries, and in these cases DH always took her side) so that might be tainting my judgement and I need someone neutral to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or if it's a weird thing for DH to say.

Yesterday we received the news that our friend's parents died completely unexpectedly, in a car accident. The first thing DH said is 'it made me so sad as I thought of my own parents straight away, imagine losing them so unexpectedly, together. I can't think of anything worse'. I mean, yeah, losing your wife and mother of your young child in a car accident would be better if anything, right? Definitely nothing worse.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/09/2023 08:24

By the way, I use the phrase “there’s nothing worse” all the time. Toothache? Nothing worse! Walking on a damp floor in socks? Nothing worse. It doesn’t mean I think either of those things is the worst thing ever. It’s just a turn of phrase. Though on this case, your DH is right. There’s very little worse than losing two people you love in such tragic circumstances. Perhaps you should spend more time thinking about your friend than picking holes in your husband.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 13/09/2023 08:24

Bottlerecycle · 13/09/2023 08:17

Her husband and child more like

Show quote history

Well, quite. It sounds like the husband doesn't put up with her shit at least.

MsFrost · 13/09/2023 08:25

'I can't think of anything worse' is just a comment that people say. It doesn't mean he can literally think of nothing worse. I mean, if everyone in the world that he loved suddenly died including them, that would be worse.

'I can't think of anything worse' is just a turn of phrase.

But it's clear that you feel insecure about your husband's relationship with his mum. It's hard to tell from your post if that is because he has an unusually close relationship with her and is sidelining you, or if it's more about your insecurity and need to be 'at the top' and constantly reassured of that.

Either way, I think it would be worth you talking to a counsellor to unpick some of this and work out what's going on - it sounds like it's causing you a lot of distress.

Airconner · 13/09/2023 08:25

It’s a phrase that people often say - I can’t think of anything worse. Given time we can all think of lots of things that would be worse, loads and that’s without going into the hierarchy of who you love most. I think you need to sit down and breathe, you should not be in competition with your mil for your dh’s affections. Let him love her or I think you’ll find your fears will become reality and he will stop loving you so much. You sound a bit fragile - is there someone you can talk to?

Chickychoccyegg · 13/09/2023 08:25

It's completely weird that you started your op by talking about mil over stepping your boundaries, does this mean dh shouldnt think it's awful if his parents were to suddenly die in a rta? That was so irrelevant I can't believe you wrote it.
In fact your whole post is awful , it really is.

Weddingpuzzle · 13/09/2023 08:25

You are being so incredibly unreasonable. This is a really odd take on both the tragedy of your friends situation and your DH's response to it. You might want to explore why you've immediately jumped to making it into a battle with your DH. I really feel for him - there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your parents AND your wife and child. You come from some very weird angles here. What's your relationship like with your parents? You sound jealous of your DH's loving relationship with his DP's - that's weird!

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 13/09/2023 08:25

OP you are being a complete drama llama and under the circumstances I am embarrassed for you. Catch yourself on.

Aria2015 · 13/09/2023 08:26

Sounds like he was simply comparing a like-go-like situation. Your friend lost both parents and he was trying to imagine what that would feel like for himself. I get the 'nothing worse' bit, but he likely didn't mean that literally. It's something that we just say. I know I do. So I don't think there is anything to be a fronted by here.

Him not backing you up if his mother is not respecting your boundaries however, is an issue.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2023 08:27

Sounds like it’s one of those occasions where it’s not actually about you

crumblylancs · 13/09/2023 08:29

I'd be thinking a bit more about your friend and a little less about your own made up drama situation.

He was thinking of himself in the same situation which is parents, not partner...

Mayorq · 13/09/2023 08:31

You're being completely unfair and looking for a fight

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 13/09/2023 08:32

Christ OP you have limited understanding.

WunWun · 13/09/2023 08:32

It was completely random for him to bring up that losing his wife and the mother of his young child would be better than losing his parents. I wouldn't like it either tbh.

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/09/2023 08:32

I don’t think he meant that at all. He transferred the friend’s loss of his parents to losing his own parents. Tbh thinking of losing you and / or his child is probably too awful to think about.
A sudden death is a huge shock and your brain fires off in all directions. My DH was killed a road accident —- I was convinced my dc ( not his dc, second marriage) would also have an accident if they travelled to me. Apparently I was hysterical forbidding them to leave home ( not me at all, the calmest person in a crisis usually)
Dont read too much into it.

WetBandits · 13/09/2023 08:33

WunWun · 13/09/2023 08:32

It was completely random for him to bring up that losing his wife and the mother of his young child would be better than losing his parents. I wouldn't like it either tbh.

He didn’t. OP closed the quote and THEN added that part all by herself.

honeyandfizz · 13/09/2023 08:33

I agree with PPs I cannot believe that out of all of this you chose to focus on what he said having heard such dreadful news. Are you normally insecure in your relationship? It really does sound so from what you have written.

saraclara · 13/09/2023 08:35

WunWun · 13/09/2023 08:32

It was completely random for him to bring up that losing his wife and the mother of his young child would be better than losing his parents. I wouldn't like it either tbh.

He didn't do that. Read the OP again.

Zeppel · 13/09/2023 08:35

YABU. Very normal reaction from your DH, not sure how you turned it around to you...very telling.

Redskyatwhatever · 13/09/2023 08:36

In the normal course of events your parents will die before you, it’s not unreasonable to think about how / when that might happen especially as they get older. Most grown ups still love their parents and hope they will live a long happy life and die peacefully at home. Them both dying suddenly and tragically is literally the worst way that could happen.
So you are trying to compare something that your DH knows is probably going to happen ( losing his parents) against something too horrific to contemplate ( losing his partner and child).

Jantlet · 13/09/2023 08:36

You’re getting a rough ride here OP. The issues with MIL are likely keeping you on high alert, which is why this has hurt, but in this instance DH’s comments are within the realms of normality, he could have said that even if he did always put you first, so let that one go.

As for him taking her side, well that is one long slow battle, and you are right to stay aware. He needs to learn that you and the kids come first now, and as you know him best then you know how best to achieve that. I’m 40 years down the road on this one and still watch my own back. MIL eventually showed her true colours, which helped, but that feeling that he could set me on fire to keep her warm never goes away.

I’ve still got my MIL and I’m also a MIL now, my own DIL is far from perfect and I secretly cringe at her child rearing ideas, but we get on well as I never interfere, always help when asked and mouth always zipped. They are two adults steering their own course in life.

Play the long game OP.

Boomboom22 · 13/09/2023 08:36

I think he meant couldn't think of a worse way to lose your parents than together and unexpectedly, not that it literally is worse than his child or you dying.

InternetE3plorer · 13/09/2023 08:36

ASimpleLobsterHat · 13/09/2023 08:01

"I can't think of anything worse" is just a phrase, I'm sure we all use it about things where if we stopped and thought about it we could definitely think of worse things. You are way overthinking this. He didn't say that losing his parents like that would be worse than losing you and his child, he just made a comment related to the actual event that had just happened.

This.

Lemonyfuckit · 13/09/2023 08:37

ASimpleLobsterHat · 13/09/2023 08:01

"I can't think of anything worse" is just a phrase, I'm sure we all use it about things where if we stopped and thought about it we could definitely think of worse things. You are way overthinking this. He didn't say that losing his parents like that would be worse than losing you and his child, he just made a comment related to the actual event that had just happened.

100% this.

saraclara · 13/09/2023 08:37

"I can't think of anything worse" is just a phrase, I'm sure we all use it about things where if we stopped and thought about it we could definitely think of worse things

Exactly. I've used the phrase frequently, and in every case if I stopped and thought there would probably be loads of things worse. It's just a turn of phrase. The deaths are of his friends parents, so his mind turned to his parents. It's a visceral reaction.

And yes, it's bizarre that you've made this about you.

waterlego · 13/09/2023 08:39

The other day I said ‘I can’t think of anything worse’ when talking to my DH about a particular holiday destination. That is obviously not true- I can think of hundreds of things that are worse than going on holiday to a place I don’t like the look of.

You need to think about your friend and not yourself in this scenario.