List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

It sounds a bit like first baby syndrome. I would send a card and maybe wait to be asked to visit rather than ask when you can visit. Maybe mum is very anxious. If you think this is her dh I will find a way to discreetly make sure she is ok.

I think most people will avoid visiting, so maybe send her the odd text to see how she is going.

Echoing some other posters.
quick text - congrats on bub’s arrival. It’s an important time for the new family, let me know when you feel ready to catch up.
And if you want, put together a little care package and pop it on the doorstep.
For whatever reason, (whether anyone agrees or not) this is the approach they’ve decided to take. Let them take the lead.

Ring her up, ask if she really wants visitors yet or would prefer to settle in with her baby alone for a few more weeks. Say you'd like to see her but happy to wait until she would like a visit.

It actually seems like a good way to root out selfish idiots. Anyone who wouldn't visit or get in contact because of the list is someone incapable of putting the new mum and baby first.

This is exactly the list I was recommended to send by my midwife when I was pregnant.

It's just PFB nonsense that hopefully they will look back on and cringe later. They have obviously been googling/you tubing and seen people come up with this crap. Let it pass, go and visit, take whatever gift you want. Maybe let a few others visit first so they can calm down a bit.

That's not true though. There are a lot of people who would be thoughtful but who would consider that list to be very rude and presumptuous.

Because no one else ever had a baby! Stupid arse. I’d post a gift and tell her to give you a call when she’s ready for visitors. Babies are lovely - but theirs is no more special than any other.

Considering a list to be rude is one thing. Choosing to post about it on MN and/or choosing not to visit because of it - that's something entirely different. And if you can't put the mum and baby first, then you absolutely shouldn't be visiting in the early days.

That's not true though. There are a lot of people who would be thoughtful but who would consider that list to be very rude and presumptuous.
Agree with this.
Most of the 'rules' I'd say are common sense, but would understand a new parent making it explicit if they had some friends/family who would overstay or put their own wants before a baby's health and wellbeing.

Others on that list are presumptuous and a bit self-absorbed (eg list to gifts, policing conversation and banning advice).

It's okay to post on MN about cheeky fucker behaviour. Dictating what guests are allowed to talk about, while specifying acceptable gifts, definitely strays into CF territory.

Putting a mum and baby's welfare first doesn't mean allowing yourself to be treated rudely. Becoming parents isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for rude and obnoxious behaviour, either!

No o r is going to be as interested in a new baby as the parents. So most people, when faced with this, will decline to visit. Ultimately it's the new parents who suffer - they are alienating all the people who would otherwise be a support network.
The OP sounds like a nice friend and even she is wary. Do they actually want to have any friends left?

Someone who loves them (like dickhead husband's parents or siblings) should have a quiet word about how they are coming across to their friends and families

I disagree the new parents will suffer. Anyone who chooses not to see a new mum and baby because they have - no matter how clumsily - tried to put some boundaries in place - isn't a loss. Especially not in those difficult first weeks.

I do wonder if it's the delivery that has rubbed people up the wrong way. If they put it in a cutesy poem would that be better or worse? Because there's nothing unreasonable here. (yeah I'm bored and have too much time on my hands this morning so can write poems for imaginary babies!)

You want to see our baby
We want you to see them too
But here’s a list of tips and tricks – our midwife said that we should do.

Smoke is harmful to little lungs
Even from what you wear
So if you smoke or vape, please change clothes to show you care.

Kissing can be lovely but it’s also
Full of bugs
We’d like it if you can limit yourself to cuddles or some hugs
But baby eats and sleeps a lot
They can be up all night
They might not want anyone else so sometime parents need to hold them tight

We know you will have lots of tips
That you’ll want to pass to mum
But being inundated with advice really isn’t fun

These first few days and nights and weeks
Everything is so new
We might be tired, excited, fearful – just know it’s not about YOU

We are so very grateful for all your love and wishes
We don’t expect gifts or presents
But you can help with the dishes!

If you want to buy something
And want to know what we have missed
Someone very kindly set up an Amazon list.

We’re not the first ever parents
This list might be new to you
But we’re following medical advice and we hope you’ll trust it too.

<bows - exits stage left>

Stunned at these responses. And quite frankly the rules aren’t exactly hard to follow. Yes it’s all a bit much, but maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed and has had issue with a visitor staying too long and giving advice. Personally I’d not judge and try to be kind.

Hahahahahah!! And when you have your second or third???

And before you talk about DH looking after them... not exactly great for the child is it. Oh sorry pet, but mummy had a new baby and now can't see you for 10 days. Not great for the mum either who will absolutely miss her older children.

It's utter nonsense like this that leads to the batshit lists OP is referring to.

(Not that these aren't genuine concerns that most of us worried about with our PFBs but the level of self-importance of the person issuing the list is nauseating).

Never mind a thanks button... it'd be nice to see how many and the ages of children a poster has next to their username to know whether to skip past their post on certain topics.

does mom need rescuing? he sounds awful

Others on that list are presumptuous and a bit self-absorbed (eg list to gifts, policing conversation and banning advice).

I’d be glad for an Amazon list of gifts so I wasn’t wasting time and money buying something that they may not like, need, or want. Being overloaded with gifts usually means someone has to sort it all and it is usually the mum.

A quick search and Mumsnet posters are advising exactly what's on your friends list. Chances are she got the idea from a forum like this or a pregnancy group forum. Cut them some slack, not everyone takes to parenthood easily.
New Baby Visitors
More new baby visitor advice
And more new baby visitor advice

They might well be happier 'cocooning' for a few weeks. But they will be parents forever. And if they're rude to their friends and family now, they might find they get to cocoon indefinitely.

Some of their requests are reasonable, like not wearing smoke covered clothes. But these are things you say to people on the phone, when they ring up to arrange a visit.
But you can't dictate what visitors are allowed to talk about or act as if your baby is the only one that matters, when historically you've been the type to visit new mums and stay for hours yourself!

MN isn't always very helpful when it comes to advising posters on how to interact with other people. Like the whole 'no is a complete sentence'. It really isn't. The sort of advice which gets people to write aggressive lists, when people are just trying to be nice and visit you, will ultimately lose them friends and real life support.,No one will want to offer them any advice, even when it might be truly helpful, for fear of getting their head bitten off.

Not sure if this is a joke but it just made me feel a bit sick.

Some of their requests are reasonable, like not wearing smoke covered clothes. But these are things you say to people on the phone, when they ring up to arrange a visit.

Exactly. It's not the requests so much.(in the main) it's the form of delivery that's really, really offputting.

It's so much better to wait until you're talking to a perspective visitor, and you can put across in a friendly tone of voice, whatever you would like from that specific person. So the vaper gets a polite request re clothing, the potential overstayer can be given a time to leave, etc. And all done pleasantly and personally, rather than an arrogant list that implies that all the recipients are incapable of acting thoughtfully and need to be told.

As others have said, this is mostly common sense.
I wouldn't visit a new mum straight away, simply because they are tired and trying to establish a routine
.
Visits àre only for an hour....whats gatekeeper dad going to do..clock you in on his stop watch and then announce 'Times Up'
No advice to be given...New mum will want to talk about her experience. Will you just sit ,smile and nod.Will he be sat there and jump in if a mere mention of advice passes your lips ?
I wouldn't go..and I'm betting lots of other friends,relies will think the same, so they'll have nobody to show off the new baby to.
What a wierd carry on..

When I was in the later stages of my pregnancy, my anxiety levels were through the roof. I remember telling my parents that we didn't want visitors for x number of days and no perfume and hand washing and all sorts of similar things.

Thankfully, they just nodded and smiled and once my baby was born, I realised I'd been a bit over zealous with my ideas. It was just down to my extreme anxiety and worry.

Perhaps this is the same for your friend. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Check in with her and see if she's feeling ok. I'd not necessarily blame it all on the husband either; if your friend is struggling this may be something she's asked her husband to do. It's a time of so much uncertainty that looking back, I can see that for me, it was an attempt to try to get some control over a scary situation. Perhaps it's the same for your friend, as opposed to the shouts of PFB you see here.

The 'subtle' reference to Amazon sound slike they already are.

Baby centre list?

I've always let family smother us first. As for gifts everyone gets 0-3 months. So I've always bought 3-6 months for new mums.

My mother disapproved of breast feeding, porno so no help there. MIL bottles fed I found friends more useful