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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
allhellcantstopusnow · 11/09/2023 12:27

@Tandora

If people come to visit , they are generously giving up their time , energy and effort to come and support you, because they care. I’m sure they have more interesting and preferable things to do with their day. Your baby is really not that interesting,
you are not doing any one a favour by letting them in the house

It helps weed out people like you tbh.

LadyBird1973 · 11/09/2023 13:30

It will weed out everyone who would normally visit, except perhaps their parents, who will likely love them enough to forgive twattish behaviour. Friends don't love them enough to forgive blatant rudeness.

LlynTegid · 11/09/2023 13:40

Are you sure they are drawn up by the friend or at least in consultation/discussion with her, and not a controlling husband? I'd be very concerned if the latter.

beanii · 11/09/2023 14:27

I'd message her -

'Thanks for the guidelines - I'll leave visiting you and baby until you've settled into a routine as it sounds like you're struggling - you know where I am if you need anything'

phoenixrosehere · 11/09/2023 14:28

LadyBird1973 · 11/09/2023 11:09

They might well be happier 'cocooning' for a few weeks. But they will be parents forever. And if they're rude to their friends and family now, they might find they get to cocoon indefinitely.

Some of their requests are reasonable, like not wearing smoke covered clothes. But these are things you say to people on the phone, when they ring up to arrange a visit.
But you can't dictate what visitors are allowed to talk about or act as if your baby is the only one that matters, when historically you've been the type to visit new mums and stay for hours yourself!

But you can't dictate what visitors are allowed to talk about or act as if your baby is the only one that matters, when historically you've been the type to visit new mums and stay for hours yourself!

OP said she did this with her children, which OP said she loved. Unless I missed it, OP didn’t say anything about doing this with other mothers. Considering their close friends, she could/would have known that OP was happy with such visits. .

Don’t many of us know our close/best friend’s preferences and even if it’s out of the ordinary, comfortable asking if they’re ok and why?

Mamatolittleboy · 11/09/2023 14:34

I understand the no kissing rules, no visiting for the first week or so or mum asking you to hand her baby back but as a new mum myself I think this list is way OTT and if I got sent this list by a friend I’d probably just say that it might be best to visit little one once they are “settled in” and “ready”.

To be honest I wish I set a bit of boundaries as I found visitors stressful especially if they stayed for hours or hogged baby when he needed feeding etc. In the end we just told them politely. I don’t think I’d have the precious nerve to send it in a list haha

Janieforever · 11/09/2023 14:36

beanii · 11/09/2023 14:27

I'd message her -

'Thanks for the guidelines - I'll leave visiting you and baby until you've settled into a routine as it sounds like you're struggling - you know where I am if you need anything'

How utterly passive aggressive, what a mean thing to text any post partum woman.

some of these replies are so shocking. I genuinely don’t believe people would behave like this in real life

DisquietintheRanks · 11/09/2023 14:37

Sounds like they want to be alone with their baby, suggest you leave them to it.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 11/09/2023 14:41

I would head over and let mum guide you it could be he’s an unreasonable narcissist who’s afraid she’s going to reach out to someone be there for her and be prepared to hear the worst …. Men can be vicious

Mamma2017 · 11/09/2023 14:45

Fuck me!! Cheeky fuckers! Sorry that’s not on at all. You’re not allowed to share your experience? Kindly advice from a friend of many years? Not allowed to do this, do that, oh but make sure you get us a specific gift?!????? This is either an extremely controlling DH in which case I’d be very concerned for your friend or your friend has lost all rational thought & reasoning. I think it’s not only weird but very insulting. Don’t be afraid to remind your friend that she had a very different set of boundaries for herself around your baby. Jaysus.

beanii · 11/09/2023 14:46

Not passive aggressive at all - just puts the friend in the picture if she doesn't know how bonkers her husband is 🤷‍♀️

Janieforever · 11/09/2023 14:47

beanii · 11/09/2023 14:46

Not passive aggressive at all - just puts the friend in the picture if she doesn't know how bonkers her husband is 🤷‍♀️

The it’s clear you’re struggling to I won’t visit is both mean and pa. The woman just had a baby. Very toxic behaviour.

Kazzybingbong · 11/09/2023 14:48

I personally wish I’d done something similar to this after I had my daughter. We were bombard with visitors two weeks straight, they kept hold of my baby, stayed too long and it contributed to our failure in breastfeeding.

It may be controlling by the husband, but if not, I think it’s acceptable to set some boundaries because not doing so is my biggest regret. You never get that newborn bubble back and all I was thinking about was making sure the house looked presentable and me for guests.

cupofdecaf · 11/09/2023 14:53

I wouldn't visit a friend who had banned me from discussing my own children.

Allthenamesaretaken0 · 11/09/2023 14:53

It sounds like you aren't that close for that to be your first reaction?!
Surely you can see a mile off that this is likely pp anxiety and it's all well and good her visiting all the time when yours were small but how would she know how she was going to feel when the time came to having her own!
Good on her for speaking up about holding the baby etc but some of the extra bits sound like she mau be struggling and need a little support and an "are you ok" rather than you practically severing your whole friendship and taking your arse in your hand about it

Kazzybingbong · 11/09/2023 14:54

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 11/09/2023 09:55

I disagree the new parents will suffer. Anyone who chooses not to see a new mum and baby because they have - no matter how clumsily - tried to put some boundaries in place - isn't a loss. Especially not in those difficult first weeks.

I do wonder if it's the delivery that has rubbed people up the wrong way. If they put it in a cutesy poem would that be better or worse? Because there's nothing unreasonable here. (yeah I'm bored and have too much time on my hands this morning so can write poems for imaginary babies!)

You want to see our baby
We want you to see them too
But here’s a list of tips and tricks – our midwife said that we should do.

Smoke is harmful to little lungs
Even from what you wear
So if you smoke or vape, please change clothes to show you care.

Kissing can be lovely but it’s also
Full of bugs
We’d like it if you can limit yourself to cuddles or some hugs
But baby eats and sleeps a lot
They can be up all night
They might not want anyone else so sometime parents need to hold them tight

We know you will have lots of tips
That you’ll want to pass to mum
But being inundated with advice really isn’t fun

These first few days and nights and weeks
Everything is so new
We might be tired, excited, fearful – just know it’s not about YOU

We are so very grateful for all your love and wishes
We don’t expect gifts or presents
But you can help with the dishes!

If you want to buy something
And want to know what we have missed
Someone very kindly set up an Amazon list.

We’re not the first ever parents
This list might be new to you
But we’re following medical advice and we hope you’ll trust it too.

<bows - exits stage left>

This is perfect! Just shows, delivery matters!

Ap42 · 11/09/2023 14:56

Have you checked if she is OK? Is she suffering with PND? I did quite badly after my son was born, and we had hoardes of visitors. In the end I was overwhelmed and physically poorly that the midwife said to ban visitors for at least a week. We did, no one took offence and it gave me the space I needed. The rules of course are ridiculous, but I'd be more inclined to look at what's driving this list, rather than the list itself.

IfOn · 11/09/2023 14:59

It's her baby. She can have whatever rules she wants. If you still want to visit after reading the rules then go, if not then stay away. It's that simple.

Changes17 · 11/09/2023 14:59

When one close relative had their first baby, I was given a 30 minute time slot to visit. For this I had to make a round trip of a good four hours - extended through transport delays that meant I nearly missed my slot. I was four months pregnant at the time.

I was cross but I did it – and have joked about it with them since about how unreasonable it was. I think some things you just suck up if you're close to someone because you value the relationship for the long-term – and overlook the PFB madness. It's just a phase.

WickedSerious · 11/09/2023 15:02

Email them your own list of rules before you visit.

A hot drink of your choice upon arrival,accompanied by seven Chocolate Hob Nobs which must be served on an Aynsley Floral Spree side plate.

Also insist upon the most comfortable seat in the house,preferably with a view of the garden.

Cardboardcup · 11/09/2023 15:02

I’d text her to make sure she’s ok. That’s not normal at all .

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 15:03

Get an affordable gift from their gift list.

Arrange a time to visit.

Refuse tea or water.

Stay half an hour.

Don't ask to hold baby.

Give gift.

Say baby is the cutest baby ever.

Don't arrange any more visits until they get over the batshit PFB phase.

SoftSheen · 11/09/2023 15:04

I wouldn't directly engage with most of that, but would nevertheless try to respect their boundaries, and would send a message along the lines of:

'Congratulations on the birth of baby X. I hope that you and baby are doing well and that you're enjoying being new parents. Once you have recovered a bit and feel like venturing out, it would be lovely to meet for a coffee at Local cafe. In the mean time, you know where I am if you need help with anything, or just fancy a chat'.

I'd ignore the request not to share any experiences though. That's unreasonable and I would use my own judgement about what to chat about.

Taketurn · 11/09/2023 15:04

allhellcantstopusnow · 10/09/2023 20:34

No visitors for at least ten days - entirely up to them, plenty of people talk about 'pulling up the drawer-bridge' post birth.

No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences - advice, unless asked for, is not advice, it's a lecture. People have a weird compulsion with pregnant women and then newborns, they like to tell them their horror stories of terrible labours and stitches and no sleep and reflux and not having any time to think for the first 7 years. Wildly unhelpful.

Only stay an hour - not unreasonable, it's knackering being the mum of a newborn.

Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding - establishing and learning to feed is often very hard, quite painful and tricky, not wanting to do that with an audience is again, not unreasonable.

There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish - very organised, no wasted money and no 94 baby outfits in the same size they'll never wear.

Wash your hands - you should do this anyway.

Get changed if vaping or smoking - you should also do this anyway.

You probably won’t get to hold baby - nobody visits a newborn with the solid expectation of whipping it out of the mum's arms, if you do, have you thought of maybe a puppy?

Don’t kiss baby - this 100% shouldn't be happening.

Give baby back immediately to mum if crying - general common sense.

Presumably you have an issue because it contradicts your expectations of how you wanted the visit to go. It's not about you, it's about them.

Similarly, the best visits I had were from people who showed up, made sure I had a full bottle of water, a cup of tea, a snack, was comfy, then they put a lasagne they'd made in the fridge for later, hoovered the stairs and put a wash on and then left. Absolutely brilliant and continues to be the best most supportive friend I have.

I mean literally everything on the list is just common sense!
Did the OP want to rock up smelling like a chimney with dirty hands expecting to hold a newborn for 7 hours?

Arcalia · 11/09/2023 15:04

I think these rules are fine. Not too hard to follow, surely. I’ve had 4 kids and if I were to do it all over again I wish I had set some boundaries like these. I also regret advice or comments I have made to fellow mothers.

When I had my first and my mother was staying with us she was horrified that I let visitors hold the baby and even feed him (I mixfed them all). I now see the wisdom in her advice. Especially after Covid!!!

Just go spend some time with your friend. She might ease her rules as weeks go by!