New baby and visitors

[Tired1234555]

I had my first baby 10 days ago and since he arrived we’ve had a flurry of visitors (both expected and unexpected).

I’ve asked my DP if we can cancel visits for a few days as it was at the point where I wasn’t eating/showering properly because I was up for visitors and getting baby ready/fed. He’s been brilliant and agreed. He’d also arranged a walk with his grandparents without me, but I’ve asked him not too as I don’t want to be without baby. Again he agreed and said he shouldn’t have agreed to to the walk in the first place.

The only problem is me. I feel really overwhelming guilty that these people want to meet baby. Some people have taken time off to see baby but I just want space as people were coming over and not leaving or holding onto him when he was crying.

DP has been great and says no more visitors till we are ready and he’ll make sure visits are shorter and baby is given to back to me when he or I need him.

I’m just not sure if I’m being unfair to other people but I just feel like we need time together as a three but I’m feeling guilty as some family members have taken it badly they can’t come for a few days. I’m not sure if it’s relevant but I also had a very difficult labour and birth and I’m still a bit overwhelmed by it.

YANBU, don't feel guilty. You definitely shouldn't have unexpected visitors, that's very rude, or any visitors you don't want. If someone messages or calls to arrange a visit, you or DH just nicely tell them that you all need rest, and you'll happily arrange a visit at a later date. I don't get this need to meet the baby immediately - it's not going anywhere!

You don't owe anyone visits till you are ready. Stick to your guns, don't feel guilty!

Are the ones still wanting to visit yet to meet the baby or are they re-visits?

Please don’t feel guilty. The most important thing right now is looking after yourself and baby. Everyone’s visits can wait until you are feeling up for it. True friends and family should definitely understand that. You are not being unreasonable

I didn't mind visits but they were very short at the beginning and everyone gave me the baby back as soon as I indicated I'd like her so can see why you're overwhelmed and invite people for a short time once you feel a bit more ready.

I'd reconsider your husband taking the baby for walks fairly nearby the house so they can come back quickly if needed (especially if breastfeeding). I found mine always stayed asleep at that stage being pushed in the pram and meant I could have a nap without being hyper aware of the baby.

@Tired1234555
Yanbu xx
I was exactly the same when my daughter was born. The last thing i wanted was visitors over. I'm so glad you have an understanding partner it really helps xx

YANBU. End of.

You need time and space just the three of you, definitely. Try to focus on you and the baby. How amazing that your DH totally gets it and is really supporting you.

When you're ready for visitors, put a time limit on visits and a cap on number of visits each day. Maybe 45 minutes to start with? I would only have one set of visitors each day, I just couldn't cope with any more as they'd get in the way of me desperately trying to sleep when the baby slept or grab my one chance of a shower. Birth is exhausting, newborns are exhausting, you have been through the wildest change and your brain and your body are adapting.

If your labour and birth were difficult in ways which were exacerbated/caused by the care you received, then when you feel able to I would encourage you to feed it back to your hospital's PALS. I did this with both of my births and the follow up conversations with midwives made me feel heard and that my concerns were taken seriously, which really helped me process them.

Limit the number and frequency of visitors, for sure.

The visitors get a lot out of it, the baby nothing at all, and you will get some good some bad.

It's very important for a child to have lots of positive relationships in their life, but they don't need to bond with anyone but you or your husband right now.

Absolutely don't feel guilty.

I couldn't walk for 5 days, was in agony and would have hated having visitors. Thanks to covid (probably the only positive!!) was that only our parents met him for the first 4 weeks. I'd have hated to have constant visitors. Say no, enjoy time with your baby. They are not small for long. X

Do not feel guilty.

I remember reading somewhere that your baby will not "go off" like a banana - people can wait to meet them when its right for you. I remember feeling so much better once others left me alone for a couple of days!

Do NOT feel guilty!!

Enjoy this time just the 3 of you - your OH sounds like a keeper!

YADNBU X

Even if they haven't met the baby there are not owed a visit.
I really put my foot down about visitors in the early days and am very glad we stuck to that, DH more visitor averse than me. There is no one who said they were no longer interested in meeting the baby just because they were a month or two old.

Sadly I can imagine that there are plenty who'd feel that way, but my absolute priority is the mum first. If anything, I only want to go visit urgently when I suspect the dad isn't taking good enough care of her.

Looking at you BIL...

YANBU!! I can’t stand the rush to meet the newborn and then half the people have no interest afterwards. Might be slightly bitter and grumpy today though….

Unexpected visitors when you’ve just had a baby? They can fuck off! one pre-arranged visitor per day is more than enough. Even then it needs to be someone you are comfortable with and will help, bring biscuits etc

YANBU

Visitors are only good if they give you practical help. Visitors who come to sit and chat are bloody exhausting. It’s also all about the baby and I definitely felt I didn’t matter anymore. Even by my mother.

Thank you all! Feel better for your responses.

The walk thing I don’t think I’ll mind later on, he just feels too new! It’s mostly repeat visitors and a couple of new ones but we aren’t particularly close either.