Not allowing visitors after giving birth

[HollieTalbut1997]

Is it normal/common not to allow visitors after having a baby?
My stepsister had her first baby last week and came home from the hospital the next day and I haven’t been allowed to visit them yet.
I understand she wants peace and doesn’t want loads of people coming in and out but I am her only sibling and I can’t help but feel hurt.
She made clear before the birth that other than her Mum (my Stepmum) she wouldn’t be having any visitors at the hospital, which I totally respected but wouldn’t be my personal choice. However I imagined that fairly soon after they went home I would go round. I have asked when would be a good time to come and she said ‘soon, I will let you know’, that was 6 days ago.
My Dad (her Stepdad) went to visit them at home on Sunday so I was confused why I couldn’t also go. I get not having loads of extended family and family coming round but we are a small family and beyond me, my Dad and Stepmum there’s really only her grandma and partners parents who are likely to visit immediately (other family lives far away so will be a while before they come).
I’m trying to appreciate that everybody is different and not take it personally but I do feel hurt that she doesn’t consider me important enough. We have been in each others lives since we were small children so have grown up together.
I think it’s worse because I’ve always felt quite left out of the family unit she has with my Dad and Stepmum and this is something else I’ve been left out off. (Again I know it’s not about me but I can’t change the way I feel).

I don’t want this to come across as selfish, I really want to be around to support my sister and I want to be active in my nephews life from the start. I simply haven’t heard of anyone restricting visitors to this extent before, when my friends and cousins have had babies they’ve been keen for family/close friends to come around and meet the baby very quickly. She also has never suggested at any point that she would be restricting/stopping visitors once they were home. She’s also asked the family not to forward on/send any pictures onto other family members/friends that she hasn’t sent them to. I found this a bit odd too? I appreciate not plastering things all social media etc but I’ve essentially been told not even show my close friends a picture of my new nephew.
I really just wanted others take on this situation, I’m not going to say anything to my sister as I think it would just come off badly and she has obviously just given birth so I don’t want to upset her.

How old are you both? Just wondering about the family unit point.

I think it's totally bizarre behaviour on her part and not how I'd do things. However I think you're right not to mention it and just wait for her to contact you.

It's not unusual for some new mums to want to keep things super low key for a while. My friend had zero visitors for a week and said it was bliss, just quiet getting to know her baby without any hosting or distractions for her or her DH.
I wouldn't take it personally. Some new mums can be go all in on the protectiveness thing... Just let it wash over you and dance to their tune for a while. It'll probably all calm down eventually.

I’m 25 and she is 28. We’ve been through a lot together with the relationship between my Stepmum and Dad (which has been rocky at times to say the least) but the two of us have generally remained close.

I agree with PP that she's being bizarre.

You don't seem pushy and have respected that not everyone wants lots of visitors straight away.

I understand not sharing photos on though. She doesn't want random people having photos of her newborn.

It’s a new thing. It’s so they can bond and not be overwhelmed by visitors.

The no social media photos is a new thing as well. They want to do it themselves, not be pre-empted.

You’ll have to just suck it up, I’m afraid.

If they get too mean, I’d not be in any rush to visit when eventually allowed, but I appreciate that’s not an approach everyone feels comfortable with.

I would wonder how she is after the birth. Plenty have traumatic times. Have you children? Is she scared if putting you off? Perhaps there is unknown health concerns for the little one
Just some scenarios I am aware among friends.

I didn’t want to see anyone but my husband 6 days after giving birth each time.

I was ready for visitors at 2/3 weeks.

Thanks - I definitely would never want to be pushy and want to respect boundaries.
I totally get not wanting lots of random people to have pics of your baby but I do find it a little odd that I can’t show a picture to my close friends (who my sister does know)

It’s not about you op, they just want some peace and quiet. When they’re ready, they’ll be happy to have you.
the photo’s thing… my mil told everyone our pregnancy news (despite us asking her not to), baby names, shared all photos, we wanted to share some of it ourselves. Maybe that’s what your sis wants.
don’t be cross, she’s allowed a bit of what she wants.

To not even beable to show your friends a photo is ridiculous. And I think it’s all bizarre . But remember, this is mumsnet . And you may be criticised for being self entitled. Try not to worry about it . You will see eventually.

The step sister might be one of those who act like this and then come on here, starting a thread complaining that "no-one is interested in my baby" 🙄😂

It's a really difficult time straight after giving birth so I think it's completely normal and understandable to not want any visitors at all to be honest. It can be hard to even control your basic functions straight after giving birth, you're often in a lot of pain, exhausted, emotional, trying to establish feeding, maybe self conscious as a first time parent also. For me it's really only my mum I would want to see me like that (but have had to suck it up with in laws coming round!)
I will say though as a small family and a close relationship with your step sister I can also see why you would be surprised and a bit hurt. But please try not to take it personally

My first baby we were absolutely inundated three times a day with visitors and I understood people were being supportive and wanted to help but it just got in the way of establishing breastfeeding and I was so exhausted I didn't want to see anyone.
I was holding newborn DD in the hospital when Boris announced the second lockdown and was massively relieved to be given time to recover and get to know my baby without passing her round and answering everyone's questions.
I wish I was brave enough to ban visitors for the first two weeks and while it comes across as odd I am pretty impressed with her confidence and hope you won't take it personally. Best auntie bits are later on anyway 😄

Women can lose their minds after child birth. I was extremely ill and not myself at all after both my labours. Just leave her be for now and don’t overthink it.

It's a weird thing I have read about before on MN, but I don't know anyone in my world who has wanted to do this.
I think it is quite bizarre - particularly in your situation where it isn't like there is a big family all trying to see the baby.
I too would be hurt and upset.

She's just been through a major health event. It's hers and her partner's baby. Totally reasonable for them to not want to have guests for a week or two.

Try not to be judgemental about it. She could have had some medical issues or perhaps it’s just a lot for her to adjust to and she feels overwhelmed.

I had some health issues in my pregnancy and postnatally and I didn’t have any visitors for a while, I didn’t think anything of it. But my family lives a long away away from me anyway, so they couldn’t just pop round.

I totally get not wanting lots of random people to have pics of your baby but I do find it a little odd that I can’t show a picture to my close friends (who my sister does know)
Has she actually said you can't show your friends? From what you said she's said she doesn't want photos forwarding on or sending on, which is reasonable in my opinion.
Being asked not to forward photos isn't the same as being told not to tell or show your friends.

It's normal to want some quiet after giving birth, and it's understandable why you're feeling upset as well given the small family. Hopefully she'll snap out of it soon and realise she doesn't have to exclude her sister from saying hello.

Same. Everyone I know has been desperate to show off their new baby. I certainly was.

I agree with this too. It's one of those things you come across on mumsnet but not in real life. I wouldn't take it personally though, some people are odder than others.

I've never understood why people have to go around literally the day after a baby is born or in the few days after. The baby isn't going anywhere!

I think its incredibly selfish of people to do that to someone esp if its their first baby. Maybe she had a traumatic birth and needs some mental space but even if she hasn't its alot to still process and get to grips with, not to mention the exhaustion and so on.

And she said she didn't want pics forwarded on. Besides shouldn't we be careful of distributing pictures esp children who don't have a say in the matter. Sometimes a pic can surface later than might have a detrimental impact if they go down a career path that puts them in spotlight.

End of the day she is allowed to decide when she is ready for people to visit and to decide about the pictures.

I dont see why you would feel so hurt its not like your banned from seeing the baby forever, just have some patience. What does it matter if u see the baby on week 2 or 3..absolutely nothing

there are a lot of us out there who didn't want people dropping by when the baby has only just got home. Peace and privacy was what we wanted for a couple of weeks. Everyone else met the baby in good time.

Both approaches are OK, I can understand people's excitement with wanting to show the baby to everyone, however it's up to the individuals. Respect her wishes basically, it's not about you.

it's not a 'new thing' though. In the 'olden days' you would stay in bed - 'lying-in' with your baby for 10 days. When DD was born and I was a bit teary, a dear friend told me about the practice and suggested I try it. I did it for about 5 days and omg it was absolute bliss, getting to know baby, establish feeding etc with no distractions, no visitors. I really recommend it!

Hang on, you say the baby was born last week. How long was she in hospital? If a few days, then she may only have been home a few days.

Yeah you’ll get replies on here ‘oooh I had everyone round within 2 hours of them popping out’ and good for you Supermum, but I didn’t want any visitors. For a start I was struggling to breastfeed, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I spent hours every day trying to latch the baby on with my whole boob out. I had a huge tear which meant for the first week I couldn’t walk, I had to roll off the sofa/bed and crawl on my hands and knees. I was also pumping round the clock and being hooked up to a pump is just so undignified. I was in tears a lot due to the pain and exhaustion and worry that the baby wasn’t feeding properly.

The last thing I wanted was my relatives turning up to watch all this taking place. New mums don’t suddenly lose all their inhibitions and suddenly become fine with their relatives seeing their nipples, or watching them crawl across the floor because their perineum is in shreds.

Give the poor woman time, I just don’t understand why people are so pushy with visiting newborns.