List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

🤣🤣

Your friend has spent too much time on Mumsnet

Yes, this:-

One or both of them is clearly terribly anxious about their new baby. They’re terrified the baby will come to harm and have - perhaps briefly - turned into insane control freaks.

As you’ll know - it’s a huge shock to the system becoming a parent for the first time. I had some PND first time round and tormented myself with thoughts of bad things happening to my LO (now a very young adult). 2nd time round, I couldn’t work out what i’d found so difficult.

If she is a close friend, be kind and supportive. Don’t make this about you. Accommodate this list for now. Go and see her. She/they may well calm down in a few months. In a way, this list is a sign that they really need relaxed, experienced-at-parenting friends around them. Even if they don’t want advice, it’s a chance for them to observe how an experienced parent behaves and over time that may help them relax.

and stay for v short periods ( 20 mins? ) 2/3 times a week. Check your friend is okay / not being controlled.

I am sort of impressed to be honest!

You say that you're 'super close,' so I assume you've known each for a long time and her husband?
Have you ever had concerns with controlling behaviour from him before? (I'm not saying it is, just read some of the comments).
Yes sending such a big list of rules is odd but I wouldn't let that put you off from visiting.
Just act normal with your friend, text her and congratulate her and ask when she's up for a visit.
Stop worrying about whether you will say the wrong thing, there's plenty you can talk to her about without giving advice! Ask how she is, congratulate her in person, swoon over the baby. The usual stuff. You will be able to judge how she is coping/how husband is a bit better once you're there. If it is him controlling things then sending a text and going to see her could be just what she needs.
If it's not him, maybe she hasn't taken to motherhood instantly/PND etc.
You know your friend best. Contact her and arrange to see her and listen to your gut once you're there x

These lists make me howl, they're so utterly embarrassing 😳 you're not the first person to have a newborn, let people come round, have a cuddle, coo over baby and sympathise for your vag, and they generally don't tend to bother you anymore as the novelty wears off. All these rules is silly 😂

Sounds like they are -or he is- stressed.In 10 days time they might feel more relaxed or desperate for visitors to see the baby.Send her a supportive message,buy a gift from the list and remember how easy it is to go a bit batshit when you 1st have a baby. And try not to give advice in general unless it's asked for.

You could just go and support your close friend without making it about what you would do or what you think is OTT or what you do/ don’t agree with. Or you could just not go and when she asks why you haven’t visited explain that you find her list of rules to be overkill.

I'd just not visit until she feels more up to it.

This isn't setting reasonable boundaries, it's serious micromanagement to an extent that should not be pandered to. If you don't feel well enough to have many visitors, then just say so.

I suspect that the parents are not very socially competent, as instead of just limiting social conduct when not a good time, they think it's OK to dictate rules like this.

I wonder if anyone is going to send them a return list of rules, requiring written personalised thanks for baby gift posted within 48 hours of receipt (or else no gift, but sensible really, when buying from a list as it's useful to haveproof that what was sent was what you'd ordered - need to know that the three outfits arrived, not just one) and with their own list of things that must never be mentioned.

No more ridiculous than their "rules" - ie both rude. There's a lot of it about

Just give her a call and she how she's doing. Sounds like the list was sent to lots of people, don't take it too personally - you know your relationship with your friend, trust that. Some people can really over step around new babies and this list seems to be a bit of an over to the fear that that could happen. Unsolicited advice can be a nightmare, but asking people if they want you to share what worked for you is different. Remember that it can be an overwhelming time. Hope you find a way through this

Some of these are pretty reasonable, like washing hands, not wearing clothes you've smoked/vapes in, an giving baby back to mom if he/she's crying. I can even understand the 10 day rule as many new moms/dads want some time to just be alone/bond with their baby and try to settle into some kind of routine. The rest is pretty ridiculous. Unless baby is sleeping the ENTIRE visit, why would you not let someone who is, supposedly, your best friend hold your baby?! Maybe try calling your friend, express your concerns, and see what she says.

Is this there first baby? Sometimes parents can get a little... overanxious with their first!

The list is reasonable, I was told by my midwife who worked on the labour ward that in her experience passing the baby around to visitors always caused those babies to be unsettled that night. At the end of the day it isn't a given right to hold someone else's baby, I consider those first visits all about taking care of the mother and making sure she is well.

Wow - this is a whole new level of crazy. It’s sad to lose a friendship but you don’t need this is in your life. They’ll maybe realise their mistake once no one visits at all and your friend is very lonely at home with a baby in a few months time. I personally wouldn’t visit, I’d just send a congratulations card and then just leave it up to her.

The list is not reasonable.

Some individual requests within the list might be reasonable things in themselves, and reasonable to be asked for in a different way.

Bit sending out in whole list like this is unreasonable, because it's the height of bossiness, and shows utter self-absorption and lack of social awareness. Do they really think everyone needs telling all this stuff?

If it's a message to specific awkward people, it would be better to tell them specifically, simply not invite them, or limit their visits sharply.

Unfortunately, the level of PFB that involves bossing others around may take a considerable time to settle. They'll be the ones demanding everyone prioritises them "because we've got DC"

This was one of my first thoughts. Not to mention when babies are first born both mums and babes are vulnerable so most new parents nowdays don't have many visitors over. I see the list as protecting their mental, and physical, health.
And regarding the advice list I would be wonder who they had to add that rule for? Likely someone in thier family or other social groups.

I think OP could go and talk to friend about the situation she described beforehand like "what do I do?" Also it did say she might not be able to hold the baby so it's mostly Anxiety at this point. Which is kind of valid.

I do think OP would benefit from kindly asking for clarification but I also don't think she has to go if she doesn't want to.

This was one of my first thoughts. Not to mention when babies are first born both mums and babes are vulnerable so most new parents nowdays don't have many visitors over. I see the list as protecting their mental, and physical, health.

And regarding the advice list I would be wonder who they had to add that rule for? Likely someone in thier family or other social groups.

I think OP could go and talk to friend about the situation she described beforehand like "what do I do?" Also it did say she might not be able to hold the baby so it's mostly Anxiety at this point. Which is kind of valid.

I do think OP would benefit from kindly asking for clarification but I also don't think she has to go if she doesn't want to.

I'd message and say "hope you are feeling ok? Congratulations I'll pop round in a few weeks when you are feeling more settled"

I would definitely check in on her in case it is pnd but I'd wait to visit

I can't understand the obsession some have about holding other people's babies anyway. It would never occur to me to ask.

And in some cases, the sense of entitlement. Not giving gifts to a sils kids for 18 years because new baby wasn't proffered? Bats!

I would do something like this too. Perhaps I'd say 'congratulations etc etc, I'd love to see you all but it seems like your dh is concerned about your wellbeing so I'll wait til I'm invited. Meantime if there is anything you'd like to chat about or have any concerns I'm just a call or message away. All my love xx '

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere actually,I think there is a little of common sense here. (Although I wouldn't have mentioned the amazon gift list)

Most of it is common sense - time visit at a around feeds, wash hands, don't stay too long, give baby back to mum if crying, don't kiss them (cold sores can be a problem).

Also I don't think you should take offence. Realistically if they tell people what they need then most people will adhere to it. Surely a small mistake won't be a big problem but it saves them asking everyone to wash their hands on arrival when they are sleep deprived and not feeling brilliant themselves.

Bear in mind that DH might have been given this list from somewhere and followed the advice without really thinking it through. He is trying to protect his family

Also - covid is circulating again. I know several people who've had it recently. Totally understandable to have some distance in that scenario.

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere Maybe they have one particular family member that they needed rules for. and had to send this out to everyone to be seen to be fair.

Go see your friend. she needs you

I actually envy their ballsiness to do that. I wish I had the balls to send something like that to my in laws. Would have saved a lot of stress.

Don't stress about it, they will relax once they get used to their new addition being around.

To be honest, you don't know what she's been through. The period between being married and having your first is a really difficult one. People TTC are under so much pressure with well meaning relatives being nosy and offering unsolicited advice, then there's the pregnancy where unsolicited advice is contagious and your body doesn't feel your own. I know I absolutely hated it. The after having a baby it ramped up again, especially with my family who were really controlling.

Don't assume he's being abusive, he might be trying to protect her from more negativity.

I wouldn't buy any thing, maybe wait till dads gone back to work to visit. If your friend hadn't said any thing you make you think she would be like this before baby come maybe it's dad saying it all.

When I had mine even number 4 I wanted people to come round and coo over baby jusy like I did. I wanted every one to meet each of them as soon as possible, no rules on any thing I'd had c sections each time. It was nice to have people come in and make me a cuppa expect the parent in-laws I ended up making them one. Should of put rules in place for them lol. Close friends popped by when ever. I'm sure if dad seeing over Protected mum will miss having people round and I bet by the time dad goes back to work she will be begging people to come round.

I'd send her a message and say let me know when your wanting visitors. She may message back any time .

I had a similar experience with a friend recently. As a result a number of friends just backed away completely and she saw this as a rejection, there were tears and friendships have ended. Sadly this is becoming very common (I see TikTok posts with the same vibe). I respect that it is their baby, their choice etc but they might be scaring off well meaning friends. Maybe drop her a note to say you will wait for her to let you know when she is ready for visits and say something along the lines of 'hopefully it will be like when you came to see me and my babies'. Perhaps try and visit after her partner's paternity leave has finished, she might appreciate the visit then. Also, face to face, you can ask her about the rules and if/when they might relax the rules? (Make a joke about it perhaps).