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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
DoubleTequilaSunrise · 10/09/2023 17:55

When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies.

Not everyone is the same.

when I had babies and felt the worst I have ever felt in my life, the last thing I wanted was visitor

Do you fancy having visitors when you have D&V? I don't. I felt just as awful after a traumatic birth. Babies are not toys, they don't need to be passed around to visitors.

Cowlover89 · 10/09/2023 17:56

I wouldn't bother going

dudsville · 10/09/2023 17:56

I agree with not going. They sound like they're full of tension right now. Send your well wishes with an idea to meet up once they're more settled.

PonyPatter44 · 10/09/2023 17:57

It's not normal at all. There was a post quite recently from somewhere sounded like the mum in this situation... but honestly it doesn't sound healthy or indeed, entirely well on the part of the parents. I'd probably just send a card and gift, and wait for them to pull their heads out of their bums a bit.

saraclara · 10/09/2023 17:57

I'd not go round yet, but I would message her and check that she's okay.

I'd have to think hard about the wording though. Maybe something along the lines of saying that the instructions made it seem as though she was quite stressed, so you're just checking in to make sure she's being supported?

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:57

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 10/09/2023 17:53

it's a bit sad when grown-up get miffed and offended so easily. Respect the mother, give her the space she needs, sulking and refusing to see the child after is just stupid. That attitude shows why the parents push the visitors away in the first place.

You don't need to be all over a baby to bond with them, especially when they are growing up.

Show quote history

I am not miffed or offended. I just think it is strange and don’t want to say it do the wrong thing. I know some mums will do this but I must admit, I am relieved that not posters so far find it strange. It’s not just me. I think people are right though that I should keep my eye out that my friend isn’t depressed or being controlled by her husband.

OP posts:
BigGlenda · 10/09/2023 17:57

I’d be telling them I’d already got them a gift so will not be giving them something from their wish list, even if this wasn’t true) because sometimes I’m petty like that.

as for visiting… I’d still want to see my friend but this would annoy me with the rules. Some are reasonable but I would feel on eggshells. I would text my friend directly and suggest meeting outside of the house when she’s ready, and offer to hold the baby so she can enjoy a coffee. Maybe that would mean everyone feeling more relaxed.

empee47 · 10/09/2023 17:58

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

Wow, that sounds so heavy. She’s going up find it so hard when real life starts again and her friends have all wandered off. There’s got to be an element of flexibility and it sounds like she thinks you’ll all dance to her tune just because she’s had a baby, like thousands of others…

JaiynDough · 10/09/2023 17:58

DoubleTequilaSunrise · 10/09/2023 17:51

why no gift?

It sounds such a dramatic overkill, I wouldn't want to come either in the first weeks, but if they are friends, why no gift?

I would also cut them some slack. We heard so many horror stories about new mums being treated like second class citizens and visitors showing no respect whatsoever because they demand a "cuddle" with the baby, I have more respect for a husband putting his foot down to protect his wife than someone who ignore her feelings and needs.

Show quote history

Because they want to set all those rules and conditions but still want you gifts, and not even a nice gift you've chosen, it's got to be from their grabby list?

No. Fuck that, and I'd phase them out, sooner rather than later.

FlamingoFloss · 10/09/2023 17:59

I wouldn’t go. I’d message the friend directly and say when she’s over ‘this but’ you’d love to see her and baby and leave it at that

Zebedee55 · 10/09/2023 18:00

I wouldn't bother. Much too much of the Drama Llama for me. 🙄

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 10/09/2023 18:01

Hardly a bizarre list, most of it is stuff people complain about on here (and rightly so!)

I don't really get what's weird about setting boundaries out so people know what to expect. But then, I like rules and knowing what's expected of me. Guess I'm in the minority.

LolaSmiles · 10/09/2023 18:01

Some of her preferences are reasonable, such as not kissing baby and wanting people to know up front that she's not up for long visits/would like privacy for breastfeeding.I also don't think she's unreasonable to want people to wash their hands and not come near baby stinking of cigarettes and vape.

It's sad to me that people would need to be told not to hold a newborn when they stink of smoke.

Others are ridiculous like policing what people say, no advice etc.

Is there a chance she might have some postnatal mental health issues?

Colourfulponderings · 10/09/2023 18:01

I’ve only ever heard this sort of thing on MN. It’s a shame that such a lovely, joyous event of having a baby gets turned into a serious and pressured experience.

She’ll miss out on that lovely excitement of seeing people enjoying the magic, instead creating rules and stress that inevitably lead to frustration.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:02

BigGlenda · 10/09/2023 17:57

I’d be telling them I’d already got them a gift so will not be giving them something from their wish list, even if this wasn’t true) because sometimes I’m petty like that.

as for visiting… I’d still want to see my friend but this would annoy me with the rules. Some are reasonable but I would feel on eggshells. I would text my friend directly and suggest meeting outside of the house when she’s ready, and offer to hold the baby so she can enjoy a coffee. Maybe that would mean everyone feeling more relaxed.

Good call. Although no one is allowed round if they feel at all poorly or with a cold, so meeting out in public might not be so good. Maybe whilst the whether is nice. Mmm, think I might just text and say let me know when you want a visitor or want to go out and leave it at that .

OP posts:
Foggyfoggyfoggy · 10/09/2023 18:02

Just send a congratulations text..

Jojobees · 10/09/2023 18:02

I would send a card and a gift, but I wouldn’t visit. I would reply to the text saying you won’t be visiting for fear of breaking a rule, but are happy to wait to be invited when the rules are relaxed.
Hopefully it’s some overreacting in response to a stressful time and they will quickly realise no one is coming and understand why.

whatisheupto · 10/09/2023 18:03

It sounds like perhaps they have already had a visit from someone who has been very irritating to them and they are trying to prevent it happening again?
I mean it's obviously batshit crazy to send that list out to everyone, but I'd sort of cut them a bit of slack.... I'm sure they'll look back on this in a few months and feel mortified.
You know your friend well, trust your gut, send her a message and ask her how she's feeling. Xxx

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 10/09/2023 18:04

Highly unlikely you would be able to book a slot anyway!

Dery · 10/09/2023 18:04

One or both of them is clearly terribly anxious about their new baby. They’re terrified the baby will come to harm and have - perhaps briefly - turned into insane control freaks.

As you’ll know - it’s a huge shock to the system becoming a parent for the first time. I had some PND first time round and tormented myself with thoughts of bad things happening to my LO (now a very young adult). 2nd time round, I couldn’t work out what i’d found so difficult.

If she is a close friend, be kind and supportive. Don’t make this about you. Accommodate this list for now. Go and see her. She/they may well calm down in a few months. In a way, this list is a sign that they really need relaxed, experienced-at-parenting friends around them. Even if they don’t want advice, it’s a chance for them to observe how an experienced parent behaves and over time that may help them relax.

Onceuponaheartache · 10/09/2023 18:04

To be fair, most people posting from the mums pov would be heralded for standing their ground on here!! MN is great for double standards.

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere with the exception of the advice/experience thing everything he is asking is normal and common sense imo.

But it does sound like your friend is overwhelmed and her DH is trying to prevent further distress. Speak to your friend or her dh. If you are as "super close" as you say why the hell would this not be your first reaction rather than sulk and decide not to go.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:05

Colourfulponderings · 10/09/2023 18:01

I’ve only ever heard this sort of thing on MN. It’s a shame that such a lovely, joyous event of having a baby gets turned into a serious and pressured experience.

She’ll miss out on that lovely excitement of seeing people enjoying the magic, instead creating rules and stress that inevitably lead to frustration.

This is exactly what it is. The person who said they felt like that with d&v , I can understand how they felt initially, but after that had passed, to share the joy of the baby, the precious gift, I think that’s what it’s about . But some people do behave a bit strange when they have a baby and don’t let even their parents or their MILs hold their own grandchild.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 10/09/2023 18:08

I suspect they are feeling a bit out of control and are over compensating. It will settle down.

I'd send a gift and a card expressing how happy you are for them. And then follow it up with a phone call.

Judge whether to visit based on how she's feeling.

illiterato · 10/09/2023 18:08

You’ll all laugh about it one day! Until then I’d send a card and whatever present I’d bought and just leave it till they’ve chilled out a bit.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:10

Onceuponaheartache · 10/09/2023 18:04

To be fair, most people posting from the mums pov would be heralded for standing their ground on here!! MN is great for double standards.

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere with the exception of the advice/experience thing everything he is asking is normal and common sense imo.

But it does sound like your friend is overwhelmed and her DH is trying to prevent further distress. Speak to your friend or her dh. If you are as "super close" as you say why the hell would this not be your first reaction rather than sulk and decide not to go.

I don’t think I am sulking. I am just worried I shall break the rules and offend them or do or say the wrong thing. I agree she or her husband might be overwhelmed. I think maybe a text saying for her to let me know if I can help might pave the way for her to ask. I am disappointed though, because she has such a great relationship with my kids. Hopefully, in time she will let me and my children have the same relationship with their’s.

OP posts: