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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby visitors

50 replies

Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 10:36

Ive just had a baby and after a traumatic birth I haven’t wanted an influx of visitors.
Baby has met my in laws who came by for an hour on day 2 but I haven’t invited or ‘allowed’ anyone else to come yet.
My family are being weird about it, asking who has met her and when can they come. We’ve had to lie to some to avoid drama and it’s becoming overwhelming for me.
My parents are too much for me right now so I’m not ready to see them, whereas in laws are a godsend and came to bring the pram that they’d been storing.
Many relatives are heavy smokers and will not be respectful around baby so I don’t want them here. In all honesty I want to be left alone for a couple of weeks, although I know it’s not a popular view as many feel a baby should be passed around immediately after birth.
We’ve even had people we barely know turn up at the door with gifts, although DH hasn’t allowed them in.
So my AIBU is, surely I’m entitled to invite who I want and when I’m ready without grown adults sulking and making me feel guilty?

OP posts:
VictoriaPlummm · 25/08/2023 11:06

YANBU. I was in this exact position 9 months ago when DD was born, except it was my in-laws doing the pushing. I caved to the pressure and let people nag and dictate, I got zero space to rest or have any downtime after a traumatic five day birth, and ended up with PND. I am only just starting to feel better, the first months of DDs life are just a blur. I dont even remember her first smile. I am broken-hearted about that, and angry with DP and his family. It has seriously damaged my relationship with them all.

Dont let this be you. Tell them all to piss off and you'll see everyone when you're ready, and not before. They are all grown adults; they'll cope. You need to be fit and healthy for baby, both mentally and physically. Enjoy these precious early days and dont let anybody spoil it for you.
Congrats on your new baby, all the best :)

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2023 11:07

Is there any way you and (especially) your partner can limit your parents' visit? And set very clear expectations?

Everyone else can wait

Congratulations!

FeliciteFaff · 25/08/2023 11:09

Stand your ground I was in a similar situation and developed pnd after the family/social issues after the birth (traumatic birth here too).

don’t let others dictate to you. You’ll regret it later. Set the tone now so that in future you won’t have to deal with BS with future births

sesquipedalian · 25/08/2023 11:12

When my daughter had her baby, she made it very plain that she did not want visitors immediately - she said two weeks - and we all respected that (although I was absolutely dying to see my new grandchild). I think it’s totally up to the parents who comes when. Obviously people will be keen to meet the new family member, but it should be on your terms - and as for smoking, I’d insist that they go outside! Get DH to police it.

boymumma1923 · 25/08/2023 12:02

YANBU. It's your baby. Your body. Your recovery. People should respect the boundaries you set. Hopefully your husband is on your side and can help advocate for you if you don't feel up to it. We waited a few days to introduce our 2nd to the wider family after our eldest had some time to bond. But I get it is a minefield of emotions, but try not to feel guilty for setting boundaries you are happy with.

Congratulations on your little one too. Take each day as it comes and don't pressure yourself. It's a learning curve for everyone at the moment ❤️

JST88 · 25/08/2023 12:07

This! So true, honestly they’ll get over it and forget about it as the impact to them is minimal/nothing but the impact to you baby and family is a lot. As for the heavy smokers, they wouldn’t be coming within 10ft of my baby, it’s actually dangerous to have someone near baby who’s just had a cigarette nm someone smoking near them. You’re your babies voice and I’d protect at all costs

DinoMummsy · 25/08/2023 13:33

Yanbu, stick to your guns. I'm thinking of getting a ring doorbell before my due date next month purely to avoid unwanted/uninvited guests when our lo arrives 🙄

escapingthecity · 25/08/2023 13:37

You will find many other threads on here from new mums feeling the same way, and thousands of responses from mums who say stick to your guns and do what's best for you.

Do you feel assertive enough to say, when you're ready for visitors, "secondhand smoke is very dangerous for babies so we ask you not to smoke before you come and visit us, and we will not welcome you into our house if you arrive smelling strongly of smoke"?

ncforthepost · 25/08/2023 14:20

You’re not BU at all!

With our first, we gave in and had everyone round as soon as we were home. MIL was a total tit and it contributed to me getting awful PND and my own mum would make sarcastic comments about the baby always being asleep whenever she came round, as if myself and the baby had hatched a plan to purposely keep them away from her by forcing them to sleep 🤔.

Second time around, DH sent a group message with the birth announcement just stating we were taking time as a family to adjust to having 2 children and we’d contact them when we felt up to having visitors. Was SO much better and I so enjoyed the time just in our own little bubble.

It’s probably unpopular but I hate this idea that newborn babies need to be passed around to people who, lots of the time, are not respectful or make it all about them. They’re real beings, not parcels.
Babies just need their parents when they’re tiny IMO and have plenty of time to bond with others once they’re more aware of what’s going on and are developing their independence.

Do what feels right for you, you don’t get this time back and resentment really sticks with you for people ruining this time.

Original poster
Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 18:03

Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear that others feel/felt the same and understand my point of view.
it’s a huge burden as I know they’ll want to be hosted, they’re not the type to offer any help and would expect drinks made for them etc. also the mess they create that I would have to clean up once they left.
It’s overwhelming feeling rubbish and just wanting to be in pjs with greasy hair without constantly entertaining others!
Did anyone find it easier visiting relatives at their own homes to avoid the hosting side of it?

OP posts:
FoodFann · 25/08/2023 18:16

Your baby absolutely should not be passed around after birth. Stick to your guns OP. You’ve said no to them, now move on, ignore them, and enjoy your little baby. Congratulations to you both x

boymumma1923 · 25/08/2023 18:21

Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 18:03

Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear that others feel/felt the same and understand my point of view.
it’s a huge burden as I know they’ll want to be hosted, they’re not the type to offer any help and would expect drinks made for them etc. also the mess they create that I would have to clean up once they left.
It’s overwhelming feeling rubbish and just wanting to be in pjs with greasy hair without constantly entertaining others!
Did anyone find it easier visiting relatives at their own homes to avoid the hosting side of it?

Going to their homes was slightly easier, but having said that, you had mentioned they are smokers. Would they not smoke in their house while the baby is there?

Maybe organise a neutral place you would feel comfortable? Short outing to a local coffee shop?

But always remember that this is about your wee family now. Always take that into consideration first ☺️

babymashe · 25/08/2023 22:11

Congratulations and YANBU. Look after and cocoon yourself and surround yourself with good energy only. Definitely recommend going to see them as you can dictate when you leave and they have to host you/ a coffee shop (local to them so there’s no ‘we’ll just come to yours after’. Baby will cry/fuss at some point and that’s a great way to say oh I think it’s time to go, then give baby a feed in the car then be on your way!
also if your parents are anything like mine then remember that it’s not like appeasing them is going to get you anywhere, sounds like there will be always something to moan about or try to guilt you on so remember it’s not worth it, them trying to guilt you is on them because they don’t behave in a way that’s going to have you asking them to come round.
you need time to rest and heal from your trauma and if anyone says anything say had to go back into hospital for a complication and they’ve orders bed rest! No one can argue with that x

Anna79ishere · 28/08/2023 05:36

Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 18:03

Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear that others feel/felt the same and understand my point of view.
it’s a huge burden as I know they’ll want to be hosted, they’re not the type to offer any help and would expect drinks made for them etc. also the mess they create that I would have to clean up once they left.
It’s overwhelming feeling rubbish and just wanting to be in pjs with greasy hair without constantly entertaining others!
Did anyone find it easier visiting relatives at their own homes to avoid the hosting side of it?

Tbh I would not want this type of people even without having a new born baby!
Even when you kid will grow and especially in toddler years you might be quite tired and you don’t need people to come to your house to be served and make a mess.
make clear you are not accepting visits for a few weeks, when ready organise some meet ups either at theirs or in some neutral space, a park, a coffee shop, a restaurant. I would keep all my meet ups somewhere else going forwards.
as for the heavy smokers I know of mums who told them the baby had asthma and if they smoke around them or were in a room were it had smoked recently they could develop an attack and needed to go to hospital, it did help a bit.

Thisismyusernameforthetimebeing · 28/08/2023 05:46

YANBU

I had a traumatic birth (transfusion & sepsis) & stayed in the hospital for 5 days. DH & I agreed that my sister would be our +1 when baby was born, & that my mum would take over from her quickly as she needed to go home to her own children. Mum would stay for a few days to help us at home.

I asked DH to give me a couple of days before my in-laws would come to visit us, so please don't tell MIL when I go into labour as they would travel straight away. He ignored my request. They turned up at the hospital, meaning my mum had to leave. MIL glared at my mum and didn't say hello.

I was (and still am!) angry that mine & baby's needs weren't put first. I was a mess following emergency section with complications. When they arrived I was walking back from the bathroom, hunched over in a lot of pain, burst into tears when I saw them, & one of the midwives made them wait outside the ward until i was back in bed. DH claimed his mum had as much 'right' to see the baby as my mum. I'm still resentful that he put his mum's wants over my needs when I was feeling so vulnerable.

OP please stick to your guns & ensure your partner supports you. My DH has shown repeatedly that he's willing to put his family ahead of my well-being.

I will forever be upset about what happened when our child was born. What other people wanted was considered to be more important than my well-being, by the main person who was meant to be looking out for me.

You'll never get this time back. Even if grown adults do sulk about it, that's their problem. Please don't hesitate to do what's right for you. That part you definitely won't regret.

Ohyousillybilly · 28/08/2023 06:30

I had a similar traumatic birth and booked the family visits an hour or so before the health visitor was due. This prevented them overstaying and cut the visit to a manageable hour.

Take time to heal but also understand that most people are genuinely excited to see the baby. It's managing people's expectations whilst taking time out to recover that can be a bit tricky.

Don't do what my sil did and ban people from seeing the baby for 6 months. She then complained that nobody was interested in her baby & failed to acknowledge that she didn't encourage visits either.

Ellie1015 · 28/08/2023 07:18

I had all my family (and in laws) visit a lot. And loved it. But still think yanbu. You have had a traumatic birth, your family are not helpful and the smoking is also an issue for me too.

Do what suits you and your baby best. And if parents in law are helpful meaning you want to see them again then do it, i would be discreet but not hold them back to be "fair"

Perhaps when you are ready meeting parents at a coffee shop would be easier as no hosting, and not in your house with smoke smells. Stick a spare blanket in the pram and after they hold baby switch them over if helpful.

cat1886 · 28/08/2023 07:28

100% stand your ground!! It’s exhausting having visitors. If you’d just been recovering from a major illness or something people would understand, with the birth of children people seem to think it’s fair game. I hated people holding my first, even though I was right there I just didn’t want it. I was more confident with my second to make it clear what my boundaries were. It’s your baby, you’re getting over something physically major, just ensure your husband is gate keeper! Best of luck

Flossflower · 28/08/2023 07:58

Congratulations. Do what you you want to. It is your baby. You absolutely should not have smokers next to your baby even if they don’t smoke in the house. You should not visit homes of smokers either. Tell them why.
My Mum visited me as soon as I came out of hospital. She had a bloody cold which we all caught.

Perfect28 · 28/08/2023 08:02

You're entitled to do what you want. Enjoy your baby

timberho · 28/08/2023 08:16

I think if you've let your in laws meet the baby for an hour but not your parents you shld expect them to feel pretty hurt.
Having your parents round for an hour for a cup of tea (be clear on the offer) - your DH can make the tea, you're sat in a chair with baby- it shouldn't be too taxing?
Unless you're wanting to exclude them for some other (backstory/) reason in which case you shld do what you want, but to say it's cos it's too difficult is probably not genuine.

WalnutBlue · 28/08/2023 09:28

If they want to smoke they have to go outside, my nan was a heavy smoker but even she wouldn't smoke around us when we were kids.
Also dh has to do the tidying up or at least help with the baby while you do it.

Kwasi · 28/08/2023 16:41

SIL didn’t meet DS until he was 18 months (and that was only because her dad flew from America for a family funeral and stayed with us) because when he was born, we asked her not to wear clothes she’d been smoking in. She’s a stroppy cow anyway but even me and DH were surprised she had a major huff about this.

UsingChangeofName · 28/08/2023 17:14

My family are being weird about it, asking who has met her and when can they come

It really isn't weird to want to meet your new grandchild

We’ve had to lie to some to avoid drama and it’s becoming overwhelming for me.

Well, you haven't 'had to lie', you've chosen to. You could say "I've had a really awful time and am struggling right now so we aren't having any visitors until I feel ready. I'll be in touch in a couple of weeks.

Purplellama80 · 28/08/2023 19:35

I can see things from your parents side as well as yours. They're keen to meet their grandchild, which is understandable. Can you arrange a short visit for them? Literally let them pop over for a cup of tea and make sure they know that you're not up to a long visit. Yes, time with your baby and husband is vital and you need time to settle back home and recover, but your parents are your family too and I can see why they feel upset at not being invited to meet their grandchild.