List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

She's your close friend, it all seems weird, but as good friend can't you visit and follow a few rules, maybe in a few month's they'll chill out a bit and settle into parenthood, then realise how hard it is and they might be more willing to ask for help and listen to advice. Give them a break its overwhelming and he might think he's protecting his wife, be a good friend and suck it up

Bit sending out in whole list like this is unreasonable, because it's the height of bossiness, and shows utter self-absorption and lack of social awareness. Do they really think everyone needs telling all this stuff?

Unfortunately, yes. Despite what some people think there are always people who need to be told the simplest things that should be common sense. Not all of us are lucky enough to have people around us, especially family members that wouldn’t have to be told many of the things on the list.

Better to let them know beforehand so they can likely choose not to come where they won’t have to be told such things in person where they may get more arsey about being told what should be common sense.

I feel for the couple, it's hard enough after having a baby and I know I found it a bit overwhelming.

As for the rules, some of them (in my opinion) are a bit entitled but I'd put that down to new baby muddling their brains 😂

I would text/message and say how excited I am for them and could they let me know when is good to visit because you are looking forward to meeting the new addition. I'd ask if they need any meals prepping or shopping picking up and offer to dump it on the doorstep so they can rest. Say that you are at the end of the phone if they need anything and that you will avoid giving advice until they ask for it.
The Amazon wish list isn't odd in my opinion but maybe they could have worded it better.

If when you visit, the baby is fussy...just immediately pass it back to mum with a
'oh someone is fidgety....I'm not sure if this is their feeding/nappy cue so I will pass them over so you can decide'
I can sympathize a bit with them as my MIL was overbearing and eager to help/give advice etc after my first baby so we said that we would call her to visit when we felt ready. I felt quite good so she visited at hospital but then gave us a few days alone after. Not all families are the same and some charge in regardless of requests not to so this could be their way of keeping the masses from overwhelming them.

To be honest some of the comments on this of people saying they just wouldn't go must of loved being pp and having their crying baby in the arms of another or must of had a complete breeze after labor!!!.
In all honesty the 10 rules will be very common rules for a lot of mothers especially first time moms and why should they not set rules? Why should others be so judgemental?.
Im a breastfeeding mom to 2 young ones and would be more then happy to comply to the rules for a absolutely anyone as it's their home, their baby, their very own special experience...
If the mother wants advice then she will ask,, be there to support your very close friend and if you do cause any offence at such a fragile time in a woman's life then you apologise like any normal person would.. you could just not go like some of the very judgemental people on here and risk losing your close friendship.
The gift voucher thing is also very normal, most people get gifts for new babies that are just a waste and instead they have given a list of what would actually benefit them!! Well done to this couple for having the courage to ask close family and friends to actually be helpful in the ways they need and not in the ways everyone wants to help.
Really this is your close friend, instead of taking offence that they have established boundaries help to embrace their boundaries is you are truly a close friend.
The father in this has shown great manner and respect not only for his partner the mother of his child but also others in giving the heads up,, it's such a shame that so many people can be so easily offended to another's boundaries ( rules set for others ) in concerns to their own family,, most adults here could do with a good dose of maturity.

10 rules might be ‘common’ but it’s still a dick thing to do. It’s the typical dramatic, pathologised and rude entitlement coming through the generations now.

God help the kids being brought up in such precious, joyless and intense family dynamics.

Sounds like the absolute dream to me.
Those first few weeks are tough, especially if trying to establish breastfeeding and unfortunately some people, friends or not, do stay too long or try kiss the baby etc etc. The amazon wishlist was the only thing that bothered me.
Maybe she's struggling?
She's your friend, respect that, you know what it's like to have a baby. Just be her friend, maybe in a few months time she will share with you she was really struggling or very anxious, and she really appreciated you listening to them and their wishes. Don't know why everyone feels like they have a right to other people's newborns anyway

Yeah, I'd be pretty confused and concerned for her welfare if I received this list 😞. It's well over the top, especially when you're close friends. Maybe it's just her husband being a dick because he can't be bothered with a ton of visitors clucking over the baby but I'd be checking in with her as to whether the rules apply to you.. Maybe they're just directed at people they don't see very often.. Anyway, if they're looking to put visitors off that will do it.. The gift list on Amazon thing makes it come over even worse 😳

No not at all a dick thing to do that just people like yourself and the mentality you have in being so disrespectful to other people's boundaries and would be the exact reason those rules are needed.
It's not rude or any of the negative things you've mentioned at all and instead is actually very empowering for a new mother to set.
Actions like the mother and father in the scenario will most likely show the future children to set the healthy boundaries for themselves and not to be walk overs for other people who are so easily offended ( unfortunately people like yourself do exist who wish to tear others down for setting their own boundaries).
Again my statement stands,, if your a good friend or family member you will be respectful to what another mother asks for after giving birth to HER baby as let's face it who has the right to say she is wrong in concerns to her own life, child, family home?? It's simple no one.

God bless this child being brought up into a loving, caring, healthy boundary setting environment.

Shame on those who will wish to tear down a new mother at what is the most difficult time in a woman's life.

Screamingabdabz

As said earlier, is this a joint decision or something he's made up?
I have some alarm bells just starting up - being isolated from friends etc....

I would respect their wishes, 10 days for them to bond with their first born isnt alot to ask.
Smoking and vaping 100% fair enough.
Baby shouldn't have to smell 2nd hand smoke etc on someone.
Their baby their wishes, I'd respect that.

If a good friend of mine asked that of me I'd completely understand why.

If their 1st time parents they may want to just protect their tiny baby.
Hormones and feeling over welmed is how they probably are right now.
I suspect they want to bond themselves before introducing baby to friends.
Support and advise from Midwife and Health visitor or home appointments after having a baby are few and far between and when you're 1st time parents it's all new, daunting, amazing and they probably just want to soak that all in themselves first.
The birth may have been long and tiring and Hormones are very unusual after having a baby that maybe another reason too.
I'd be absolutely shell shocked if a friend of mine asked a forum and would prefer them to come to me.
As I'm sure if you went straight to your friend she'd probably explain most of what I've thought it maybe.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for thinking your friend is going over-board - but I "get it". (I was a little OTT bonkers after DD3, she was full term, but tiny compared to her siblings and i'd had a difficult pregnancy).

I'd just wait until baby is 6 weeks or the friend contacted me. I'd send a gift from the list and keep any handmade ones until she's feeling more like herself again. Once they've figured out their rhythm as parents, she's got the hang of breastfeeding (and seriously, who's baby is breastfeeding on a schedule? Is that even "a thing"? Lol), it will be more relaxed for all concerned. Newborns are kinda boring anyway ;).

Everyone wants to protect their tiny babies. But they are not the only people in the world to have ever had a newborn and most of us managed to protect our children without behaving like a rude arsehole. It's really not an either/or situation!
These sorts of arrogant, entitled lists, imply that their baby is more special and more deserving of protection than anyone else's baby, that they quite happily visited in the past without any thought of germs etc.
^
Of course it's not unreasonable to ask people to wash hands/not wear smokey clothes, but you cannot trample all over other people's feelings by being so rude. Not if you want anyone to maintain relationships with you later!^

If you think I misused the word narcissist @KnobbingtonKnobberson look up the definition of the word in the dictionary - I'll wait for your apology.....

Don't take it personally- I just had a baby recently and this is a huge fad. The lists are shared in birth clubs on other forums and people edit them to their liking. It's always first time parents who do ridiculous things like this. I would respect their wishes but not get overly bothered by it.