Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Goodness, don’t write her off just yet! I have everything your daughter has. I have completed a degree (first class honours) and a MA (distinction). There is help and strategies at uni and my super power turned out to be academia. We are great at analytical stuff, critical thinking and seeing the bigger picture. I did not get any exams at school - did a foundation year.

She has self harmed in the past, and due to bullying contemplated and planned worse. I'm not dismissing what she says as I have seen her at her lowest and never want her to be there again.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son.

Your daughters reaction to leaving home is extreme and could possibly stem from her grief or something else underlying so worth speaking with her about what it is she fears or how it makes her feel. Also ask what she thinks might help in those situations. Maybe phrase it around the school trip or holiday with grandparents so she isn't thinking you are planning on kicking her out.

Her grades are very good and will provide ample opportunity. Quite a few people her age have no idea what they want to do and there are so many jobs out there it's difficult to know what you enjoy unless you find it.

The national careers service and Princes Trust might be good starting points for her. National careers service have a quiz thing that highlights potential strengths and what careers might be suitable. It isn't perfect but might list some opportunities she hasn't thought of. If she refuses to leave home her options will be limited though.

Sorry, are you actually saying that you and your DD have looked at ALL the apprenticeship programs that are on offer and not ONE of them she has shown any interest in.

here is a link
https://findapprenticeshiptraining.apprenticeships.education.gov.uk/courses

If that is the case, then yes you need to worry

BCC is decent for A Level.

Sorry about your loss OP. My BIL lost his brother at the same age and it impacted his early adulthood hugely - both surviving brothers were very attached to home and hometown, not wanting to move out and leave their parents. Parents were very protective of them.

With those a-levels your daughter thought about data science? Big demand for data expertise - all of which can be done from home, don't require lots of social skills and are a good mix of maths/computer science/media.

OP I remember suffering panic attacks in my teens and they were debilitating. Does your daughter suffer with this? I lived in fear of them and I had this homing instinct that would always pull me home if I felt one coming on. It only so happened that the things I was really interested in were quite far away from where I grew up so I had to push myself to leave home and explore the world a bit more. Even so it was incredibly hard. My mum was my safe space and was until quite a late age.

However it was only when I met my now DH that I started to realise there were other people who could give me support. And also that I had a level of control myself. But that took a lot of practice. I feel your DD may be in a similar position. Would she consider going away and doing an activity for just a day, no overnight? I think building her up to being a bit more independent would really help her find a sense of self without the pressure of an overnight stay. I’d also help explore practical ways she can support herself on her own if she feels overwhelmed or panicked. I could write a lot more about this but I don’t want to take over the thread. Just to say I think you need to help build up her up confidence from the ground and I think only then will she start to have a sense of direction about where her life is going.

Haven't read the full thread and this might be of no use whatsoever but I am throwing it in there anyway.

My best friend's child was similar, dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD. Had to have a scribe for all exams. Managed to get A levels and go to Uni to do Theatre Studies then spent a good few years working at a holiday resort company as a lighting technician on the entertainment staff (had to come out of their shell and perform when necessary😀). Has a vast network of friends all across the country and now working as chief lighting engineer for a prestigious theatre and just bought first house.
Many a tear was shed on my shoulder during the school years but did work out in the end.
It's hard to see your children struggle especially when you see others sailing through life seemingly without a care in the world but your daughter may well find her niche unexpectedly and all you can do is give her as much support as you can without trying to do it all for her.

Her reaction to leaving home is extreme , does she need counselling?

@AllTheOdds has she ever had a job ?

No not yet

I think some time on the real world working will sort out a lot of the issues you have listed. Any job.
As she has an interest in media I would look into jobs as runner on tv or office junior at a news website.
She has decent a levels so the other option would be to sign up as an office temp (if that job still exists).
It won’t do her any harm to spend a couple of years working, it will help focus her mind.

Could she do a childcare qualification? Nannying is always in demand and can be well paid.

I have a relative with no GCSEs or A-levels at all, very intelligent but too dyslexic and dyspraxic for many jobs - thriving in reception in a hospital, and being offered all sorts of support for shadowing and training and exploring career options. If she's caring and kind and like Grey's anatomy, maybe have a look together at hospital jobs rather than retail for a more meaningful environment that might lead to some ideas and opportunities?

https://www.mooc.org/ take a look at these / or show her. Lots of either cheap or free short courses run by universities in everything..she might try one or two over her gap year and ind something she loves.

My daughter didn't want to go to uni - she felt like college was pushing her into it
She left and did an apprenticeship - what ever your dauhter does it is up to her - why do you say WE have decided she she will do a gap year and work in retail !!
It is up to her. Hard though it maybe for you - you have to take a step back and let her decide - my son has ASD and lasted a year at uni as he couldn't cope with negotiating the social side of university life. He struggled for a long time to find the right fit for a job but he now has a good job that is also his hobby and interest. Every parent of a toddler thinks that when they kick a ball for the first time they imagine them walking out at Wembley to play for England!! My daughter loved drama at school and used to watch her in school musicals and dream of seeing her perform in the west end !! Lol! This only happens for very few people. We have to learn to accept our kids for who they are becoming when they turn in to adults !!

Sorry to hear your daughter is struggling.

If she hasn't already, ask her to try the prospects.ac careers quiz (just type that into Google). It's the most detailed quiz I could find when I was at a career crossroads recently. I ended up looking into my second option and am now working in that area. I've recommended it to lots of friends since who say that their options were also really well suited to their personality/interests. It does require you to put your email annoyingly in but isn't a scam - I promise!

I don't work for them even though this post really sounds like I do 😂 I just appreciated that it asked lots of questions and gave tonnes of careers in order of how well they match your answers.

Good luck to her, I'm sure she'll find her way. Plenty of people jump between different jobs until they find something that suits them. There's unfair pressure on 16-21 year olds to know exactly what they want to do and commit to a career at such a young age.

This in spades

I really wouldn't push the telly angle. From what you've said, it's an industry that won't suit her temperament at all. I could line up 20,000 young people who would bite your friends hand off for that opportunity. They'd sofa surf, quit work with no notice etc to grab even the chance of a week's unpaid work shadowing. If he advertised it, he'd have several hundred CVs within an hour. It's that competitive. It's also a very changeable industry. Short contracts, always hustling for the next job, no security. And depending on the job she was interested in, she could be on location all over the country.
It also has a lot going for it, but unless you think the cons are ones she could cope well with, I wouldn't encourage it.
I'd really focus on helping resolve the not leaving your town issue with her. As you acknowledge, her reaction to a few days away with her grandparents etc is incredibly extreme. It's not being a homebody, it sounds like almost a phobia or possibly some sort of trauma response to the terrible loss of your son. It's so sad for her to be closing down her options so extremely, at such a young age.

I definitely relate, my DC is younger but is ND, had other medical issues affecting their appearance, is dyslexic so struggles at school and it is unfair that on the things we measure success by as a society don't match his personal strengths. I've been envious of those who seem to have "perfect" lives.

I've realised though that everyone has their demons and their difficulties, and contentment and resilience are probably more important than anything.

I think it’s absolutely normal to have those kinds of thoughts, but it’s all quite surface level stuff. Your daughter is still very young and often young people have no idea what they want to do. I’m sure she has plenty of talents or things she’s not yet discovered that she’s passionate about. Her results are excellent and often exam results are not so important in the long term. With those results, she’d easily get into a redbrick university no problem.

I’d say to use this gap year wisely. She has the rest of her life to work in a supermarket. Maybe short term to save some money though? There are so many schemes where you can work/volunteer abroad and get a grant, or have food/bed etc in exchange for volunteering. I think seeing as much of the world as she can will help as it’ll give her some perspective and maybe she’ll stumble across something she loves.

You said it seems like she has nothing in her favour, I’d say the opposite - she’s not rigid and stuck with going in a particular direction - the world is her oyster! Ask someone else outside the family what they think she’s good at (maybe frame it differently). Remember that Baz Luhrman song - “Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.”

My daughter really struggled until she found a part-time job, I would honestly say that was the making of her. She became confident, organised, motivated literally overnight - the difference was unbelievable. She was really struggling at college doing A levels and also struggling with friendship and had no social life, when she started working she went into college, changed her course and has done amazingly well ever since. She now has a lovely group of friends and is literally a social butterfly - her part time waitressing job has been the making of her and seems to have really made her focus. She has also gone from not wanting to go uni to being adamant that she wants to become a social worker, I’m not sure we would have got here without the changes her job bought about. I also wanted to mention that if she does want to go to uni but doesn’t want to leave home then maybe she could consider the Open University for now?

Sorry if this has already been asked and answered, but if this were me, I would prioritise supporting her learning to drive and getting her own car. I see you said she dislikes change etc so it might be tough going at first but if you just reassure her that it’s no problem if it takes a few tests and she will get there. Tell her about how amazing it will be to have that independent and confidence, which will really help her with all of her next steps. She is only 18 and while lots move out at that age, she’s still young. But there’s no reason she can’t be working on her own independence from her home base.

I have read your posts, at a pace, and have skimmed others. I really agree that she needs to get her independence up.

I have a child with learning needs of a similar age. We've had trauma - different to yours - but yes trauma which can affect growth (mental and emotional). Add to that the special needs and yes you end up with DC who are not the age equivalent of their peers. Mine has spent the last year throwing up in a bucket in the car every time they have had to do something new. I wouldn't let them dodge anything. Including work or college. Mine passed their driving test and my-ex was able to arrange a car and insurance. Mine has finally had probably the best year of their lives - despite the never ending friendship issues. They start Year 2 of college in a couple of weeks. It is a course they are passionate about. Their workplace is related. But I cannot get them into any hobby, activity, or group. So their social circle is limited and reducing. There were issues around the 18th. Who came, who didn't. But despite all of the above - they are doing so much better than their peers. They are independent, they are learning about finances, cooking, car costs etc. Their peer group is so molly-coddled.

We have tried but dyspraxia really made this a struggle