Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Part time in the supermarket and a variety of life experiences would help. If she doesn't like going, go with her or get one of her friends going.

Things like:

• walk a neighbours dog
• help with the gardening, growing vegetables
• writing a funny blog about TV shows

Etc.

• parkrun
• listening to audiobooks

She doesn't have to quit things because she's not great at them or they are a bit hard. Once you are out of school, hobbies are for fun rather than grades/competition - it's like a weight lifted off them!

I don't think BCC is all that bad at all @AllTheOdds . People are going to 'universities' not worthy of the name with very limited grades- she wouldn't be having to do that with those grades.

Shame she didn't feel ready to choose a different uni course yet- if she wants to do uni.

I hope she has a relaxing and inspiring year. x

My original response might have come across a bit harsh in this respect, I just think that if we are getting the sense you can’t help comparing them
unfavourably I bet your daughter will pick up on that and it can be crippling. Worse still, she might think anorexia is a good solution to her weight issues…

(From a girl always compared to her supposedly smarter brother by her parents who would constantly tell me that he is naturally smart and I will always have to work harder to get the same results. However well intentioned I still resent this as an adult!)

I'm not going to comment on the comparison with your niece because PP have already said it all, but this post sounds very defeatist.
You're already writing her off going off and trying new things 'because she's shy' rather than gently encouraging her. You're happy she's not going to uni because of your own perceptions of how she'd cope.
I get you're worried about your daughter but it sounds like your own attitudes may be holding her back.

What was the uni course she'd applied for? Was it a subject she's genuinely interested in? Or is there something else she has an interest in which you can encourage her to get more into during a gap year...volunteering or something similar? Sounds like she needs encouragement to find/pursue something she can get passionate about.

BCC is not to be sniffed at! I agree with a gap year, could she travel?

Your DD must have been affected massively at the loss of her brother.

Has she had counselling?

"Nothing in her favour", whether comparatively or not, is a horrible thing to say.

I agree with others she needs to be supported to get out of her comfort zone - failure to launch is a real risk here, she could well still be loving at home in her thirties if she doesn't start at least being open to the idea of living outside the home for a while. You don't really want her living at home for good, do you? There isn't going to come some magical point where she is suddenly happy about the idea.

I think you should make supporting her through her gap year conditional on at least trying to do something which takes her out of the home for a period of time, like PGL or a summer camp scheme or something. She needs to build up her confidence. You say she is threatening to hurt herself if she has to leave home. But she is hurting herself by refusing to contemplate leaving, she is limiting her horizons to that of a child, resigning herself to half a life. You have to decide how serious you think she is about that Vs the consequences she will definitely suffer if she stays stuck like this. Has she ever gone away for anything (school trip abroad, girl guides camp, weekend with relatives, ANYTHING)? If not she has no idea how it will actually be, how she will feel. If she tries it and can't cope that's one thing; never even trying isn't really acceptable.

Honestly. I think some time away from home could be the making of her. Not least because she is living with the general attitude of "poor DD, she's so hopeless" and unspoken comparisons between her and her perfect cousin. Kids believe the stories we tell them about themselves. She will be picking up on your attitude towards her and making it her own. You need to believe in her, OP! You need to be the one who cheerleads for her, who celebrates her achievements, who opens doors for her, opens her mind to opportunities. Not the person who says "oh well you shouldn't even go to uni anyway since you don't even know what you want to do and couldn't get the grades, a supermarket's good enough for you". Honestly I can't ever imagine having the attitude you have towards my own child.

She has, at various different points, myself, DH and DD have all gone to grief counselling several different times over the years and DD knows the door is open if she wants to go again (she asked at 15, so I know she is comfortable asking).

My autistic DD (19 and when she is younger) is like this when we ask her to do something she does not want to face. She does not threaten to hurt herself but she does have big melt downs. Her ability to avoid the things and bury the problems she does not want to face is phenomenal even though it does eventually come back and bite her 10x harder when it gets out.

In case you recognise this in your dd. Dd also has ADHD traits.

As we knew DD's road would be rockier, I applied and got PIP for her to give her some breathing space. As parents, we will have to work longer and do more to support her for longer. Anything you can do to nudge her (we sometimes have to force dd and she comes out on the other side eventually) and be there to catch her will be beneficial for her. Self esteem and confidence is the thing to work on but she won't get that stuck at home.

Maybe you need to get out of the mindset that she needs to do something that she absolutely loves. There's no reason why a 19 year old should have her whole life's path in her sights. There's also no need for her to be looking at dead end jobs and drifting.

Perhaps focus on what she wants in the short term. Does she want money and to be able to buy stuff and have a life where she is comfortably off, whilst also working towards something worthwhile? If she can achieve a level of financial stability at an early age, then at the point where the lightbulb goes off in her head, and she knows what she really wants to do, she'll have some savings/stability and can change tack, be a mature student etc. For that reason, I would say she should look into a business/accountancy apprenticeship. It might seem a bit dull, but it will give her a very lucrative career and/or solid basis for a different career (skills that will stand her in good stead whatever she might end up doing), further learning opportunities through college release days and, of course, money. She'll be way ahead of her contemporaries coming out of university with a pile of debt to their names and struggling to get entry level graduate jobs. My teacher friend absolutely raves about apprenticeships - her daughter is on the Oxbridge pathway, but she'd much rather see her do an apprenticeship, than waste time on a pointless degree. If she can look at doing something like this as a stepping stone - giving her experience and confidence, rather than a life sentence, then it might free her mind a bit, and make her feel a bit less bogged down by all the "big decisions" of life.

Fuck me. So your daughter isn’t slim or (in your opinion) talented, same as probably 40% maybe more of people. So what?! She’s a normal, healthy young woman. If you’re utterly distraught for her based on this no wonder she feels inadequate! If any of my daughters turn out to chubby, with average grades and couldn’t play a fucking violin I couldn’t give a shit! You need to not change a single thing about her, just build her up to be proud of WHO SHE IS NOW.

Another vote for an apprenticeship, there’s plenty around now.

Agree totally.
Sounds like you are living vicariously through her.
Imagine her seeing this thread, how devastated she’d be,and justifiably so.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Accept her for who she is.

She has tried, we've driven from the North west to London overnight to get DD from a school trip as she was screaming at the teachers, my parents had to bring her back from their holiday last year, we have tried.
I'm not going to force this at all, I refuse to have n'y cule threatening to hurt herself, I'd luck rather she lived at home until she was 30 than hurt herself or worse.

(From a girl always compared to her supposedly smarter brother by her parents who would constantly tell me that he is naturally smart and I will always have to work harder to get the same results. However well intentioned I still resent this as an adult!)

I hear ya. My mum used to tell me my life would be more difficult than my sister’s because she was pretty, so I’d have to work harder. I get the impression there may be a bit of this going on here.

I can understand this feels difficult. But like other PPs say, she will grow into herself, and it does sound like perhaps you need to try and make sure she doesn't catch on to your anxieties. Try and see the bigger picture - she's so young and there's so much time!

It actually seems like she is doing really well, beating the odds at every hurdle! Solid GCSEs and A Levels, no boys at her age really isn't a bad thing (I wish I hadn't had a string of unsavory boyfriends from 16-18!).

She is so young, she has years and years ahead of her to figure out what she "wants to do" and anyway these days nobody has a job for life, you can skip from one thing to another. I've chopped and changed from paper sales girl to call centre, receptionist to fundraiser amongst other things and enjoyed them all in different ways. My sister has skipped from beauty and hairdressing to office temp work/receptionist and recently started work at a funeral directors which she is amazing at as she has just the right temperament, a year ago we never could have imagined her doing that but she's killing it! And we often say, the most important thing to us isn't our bank balance or the nice stuff we have but just being healthy and able to spend time together.

I voted YABU, because I think you're overthinking things. Sure, she can do a year working in a supermarket... I did that, and had a bar job in the evenings. And she can use that time to think about what she might like to do next...uni or not.. safe in the knowledge that her momma loves her and is unconditionally proud of her (and tells her that regularly!), doesn't compare her to her cousin in any way, shape or form(!), and isn't worried about "what she'll do" in the future because as long as she's bobbing along happy and healthy, enjoying whatever interests she does have (there must be something!), everything is OK!

I know a previous PP said you need to be more pushy but I don't necessarily think that's right. The best gift my parents gave me from when I was 16 onwards was backing off and letting me make all my own decisions. I soon made my own "plan", which has changed and evolved a million times since. I know everyone is different though, and I don't know your DD. Wishing you both all the best! X

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son 🌾

I think this must play a part here too. Both for you and for her. Such a huge trauma for you both. What was she like when she was little, OP, before her brother died? Was she braver, more sparky, or has she always been very timid and shy?

Re the family friend in TV - is there any way you could support her to take that opportunity? You say you're a TA - in summer, could you go with her to Manchester or London and get an Airbnb together so she could have a "home away from home" but then go in with family friend to work each day but come "home" to you? It would be a baby step in the right direction, it would show her there's a world away from home she can be part of... just an idea?

This is what I was thinking! I love my job, the flexibility it gives me, the people, the customers, and the laughs we have every shift, make it what it is. I see friends with kids the same age as mine, in high powered stressful jobs, who look like they have it all... But they're the ones that are constantly stressed and moaning, and say they hate their lives. I've never had to miss a sports day, or school pick up because my job fits in around my life, and I never dread going to work. (Especially in this weather, supermarket aircon is the boss 😂)

This is what I was thinking! I love my job, the flexibility it gives me, the people, the customers, and the laughs we have every shift, make it what it is. I see friends with kids the same age as mine, in high powered stressful jobs, who look like they have it all... But they're the ones that are constantly stressed and moaning, and say they hate their lives. I've never had to miss a sports day, or school pick up because my job fits in around my life, and I never dread going to work. (Especially in this weather, supermarket aircon is the boss 😂)

Jesus your poor DD!!!!!

Give your head a wobble OP, nobodies kids are perfect and have it all, no matter how much they brag or try to look perfect.

how about you love your daughter for who she is? She’ll never flourish whilst you’re comparing her to others!

I'm sorry about your son 💐What an immense loss for you all.

A job in a retail might be a really good start for her to gain some confidence and learn new skills. As other posters say it could progress into a career for her, or the time might help her figure out what her dream is.

In the meantime I'd think about what might be causing her overwhelm at the idea of leaving home or even going on holiday. No pressure that she has to move, but if there's a mental health issue at the root of it, it would be helpful to understand it.

Has she ever self harmed though OP? Has she had depression or anxiety? Is there any reason to imagine she actually would do this, rather than it just being a very extreme reaction to fear of the unknown?

It takes a LOT for a person to harm themselves or kill themselves. People don't do it on a whim. And the people who do don't just suddenly start doing it when they're in a situation they don't like. Self harm is often a compulsive behaviour, done very secretively. People who actually self harm don't tend to scream about it before doing it, or use it as a threat to avoid something they don't like.

Thank you.

She was always shy and timid, she went to the same primary as her cousin and in core personality neither have changed much. DD was always shy and quiet but her cousin was popular and had loads of friends so DD sort of piggy backed on that all through primary. In secondary they split ways, went to different schools and the ADHD started to show more (really struggled in class with focus etc).

We want to try something like that it's just syncing ip calendars to make sure we go when he is working on a job DD can get involved in. Not everything he does is suitable for work experience. But we are working on it.

I’m not surprised she has issues with her self worth with an attitude like yours OP, you think you’re being nice but it comes across like she’s not good enough for you no matter what and you have written her off with low expectations of her now. Just my interpretation, of course