Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Those are decent A levels! Certainly enough for Uni if she wants it and even more impressive to achieve those results with ADHD and dyspraxia. Massive well done to her. The world is her oyster and I hope she comes to believe in herself

There have been a few threads over the last few days where comparison has been the theme. As a teacher, I see this a lot. The social media effect. Being a totally normal person is now seen as not good enough.
Your daughter has a solid life , with health and a solid set of grades. Her family around her need to be less defeatist. What gives her joy? Start there , get out and about and find a way of getting her confidence up she's not doomed , but you speak as though that's it for her and she's only 18!

Your niece seems to have the odds stacked against her as she has so much mental health trauma going on. All of the other stuff doesn’t mean anything if your mental well being is poor.

Your daughter will find her way and I think working in a supermarket meeting the public will really help bring her out of her shell.

Her A level grades are good solid results and she can go to uni with them if she chooses to. She could use this year to figure out who she is, get into some clubs, volunteering and getting fitter. There is nothing holding her back. I speak as someone who was in a similar position to your DD, OP and I did just that.

The other thing to remember is comparison is the thief of joy.

It's really hard. I could have written this about my eldest. The difficulty is my other 2 kids are extremely 'naturally talented', as he always refers to it. He doesn't appreciate what he is, which is creative, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, extremely loyal etc. I genuinely think the school system has contributed to his lack of self esteem, rewarding academic or sporting achievement, neither of which is his strength. Also a general lack of confidence does affect your looks. He is incredibly handsome (everyone says so) but he won't shave or wear nice things because he doesn't value himself. He's just going into Y13 and I tried to persuade him to change his A levels as he is doing very difficult ones (Maths, Physics) and currently predicted D,E. He is insisting he finishes but this year will take a toll on his mental health and I think next year he will have a 'gap' year to just recover a bit and consider his future. I hope he will come into his own one day, but in the meantime we can just be their cheerleaders and support them, let them make their own choices. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I think with time and wisdom, they will see their value, but it is very difficult in the world the way it is and at their age.

McDonald’s is good employer for teens with disabilities, my dd has a physical problem and does drive thru headset. She’s made friends and it’s definitely done her good in terms of speaking out.
Activities wise she’ll find her niche.
Has she any interest in girl guiding. If she volunteered as a leader there’s an active 18-30 social scene and it tends to attract a wide range.

In many ways, I was your daughter. I’m dyslexic, dyspraxic and had undiagnosed ADHD (found out a few years ago) and got the exact same a-level results! I’ve always been very social and good with people but had no other discernible talents. I’ve struggled with my self-esteem all my life and have never been thin or pretty.

I had a difficult home life (left at 16) so I went to uni to escape and did a vocational degree which didn’t require great a-levels. My life’s turned out fine. I’m a senior manager in the civil service, I earn a really good wage and have a lovely partner. We own a house (with a mortgage) in a northern city and have nice holidays etc.

I’m not saying this to be like “if I can do it anyone can”, but where you are at 18 doesn’t determine your whole life.

Life is really hard as a teenager but it can and does get better. Loads of people don’t know what they want to do - travel, apprenticeships, work, volunteering are all great ways to figure it out. Even if she just rules out jobs she doesn’t want to do (I was a cleaner, that was very firmly crossed off the list) or gets a better idea of what she’s good at.

It also sounds like it’s not all smooth sailing for your niece, anorexia and anxiety are no picnic. I’d focus on building your daughter’s confidence up and helping her navigate the next few years rather than the unfairness that may or may not determine both of their lives.

I sort of saw where you were coming from until you got to anorexia really. Quite a major detractor from life satisfaction, and indeed often life itself.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I understand why you didn't mention it earlier of course, but I suspect the trauma which the whole family faced will at least be playing a part in your DD's anxiety about leaving home. Of course ADHD delays adulthood (speaking from my own experience) but I think the extreme fear of going away is more than that.

You're in education so you must know that
your daughter got C grades in 2 of the hardest A'levels - many people with a string of good GCSEs bomb maths a level so, while I understand she doesn't feel interested in maths or computers it's a great indicator of decent intelligence which many employers will recognise. Please make sure she knows this!

It sounds like she's not ready for uni, but I think encouraging her into the workplace asap is really important. I'll be realistic and say it will be hard (my first few jobs were a litany of mistakes and social faux pas 😬) but the sooner she gets out there the sooner she will gain in confidence and get a sense of what she might want to do long term.

Given the adhd I think there's lots to be said for leaving it a few years before going to uni, and for trying lots of different jobs beforehand. But please don't make her think the uni door is closed - it really isn't. Forgive the cliche but the world is very much her oyster. Make sure she knows that.

No matter how naturally gifted someone is they do not get good marks without studying.

It is a hide onto nothing to compare one person with another without any reference to the work each one of them puts in.

The ONLY problem your daughter has is lack of confidence.

I was just like your daughter, no particular talents or gifts and a little bit fat. I didn't care. Thats the attitude your DD needs. How to encourage that though? Thats the challenge.

I recommend she joins a recruitment agency and tries to get more of an office job - I did this before and during uni and it helped me with getting jobs once out of uni. First job was a local solicitors, then reception at a hostel, worked for a charity etc. Appreciate limited options in small town but maybe local building firms, hairdressers etc need reception staff? Also suspect I’ve had ADHD for many years but these jobs seemed to suit me!

I can't believe you're dismissing the struggles of your poor niece.

You think your daughter's the unlucky one?!

We model ‘how to approach life’ to our children Op.

Your responses to other posters when they suggest something come across as very “but she can’t, it’s not fair”.
I wonder what that must feel like for her?

Is it any wonder when she thinks about going away, or applying for Uni she thinks “but I can’t!”

Nothing you write about your niece would suggest she has had it easy and things have just fallen into her lap. I dare say as an anxious perfectionist she has worked very hard to achieve what she has.

It sounds like both of her single parents worked hard too to be both independent home owners etc. again we model our attitudes to our kids.

Are you really jealous of your siblings and niece? You already said you and your husband are happy in your jobs and council home.

Oh and on the anorexia, it is a lifelong condition. A person may look like they have got past it but will likely always have issues with food.

I think she just needs more time.

Both have a really good look for employment opportunities within walking distance, cycling possibly, or on the bus routes. Go and physically look at what is there, or do some google maps research.
Consider everything - garden centres, childcare settings, offices, leisure venues, hotels, absolutely everything.
Consider her signing up to employment agencies - they are a good way into jobs.
Then when she has a job, leave her to get on with it for the next few years, or if it doesn't work out help her to get the next job.

She can always go back to further study in a few years if it is needed for a particular career, or she may find a path that doesn't need more qualifications.

She needs time to develop socially and find friends, male and female, and potentially boyfriends. The workplace will be less sex-segregated than school.

There is no need to push her too hard.

I have ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia, and I had the same A-Levels. I didn't know what I wanted to do until later on; I went and did an access type of course, went to a top uni, and was the best in my year. I learnt to drive and stuff but did it in an automatic. I had no hobbies but played sims too. Please don't compare your daughter to your niece. I knew someone like that on my course, and they ended badly due to perfectionism.

She doesn't have everything stacked against her. She has parents who give a shit and lives in a developed country and has some academic qualifications. Most people are actually quite average and ordinary and if she turns out the same, then so what? Maybe she could work in childcare or beauty/hairdressing/a trade?

She sounds lovely. Ignore the posters telling you to push her to leave home. That is obviously too much for her at this moment in time. Moving in from school to work is already a huge change. She is clearly someone who can achieve but she just needs space and time. If you have dyspraxia and ADHD it takes you longer to get there. If she really thinks she can’t do something don’t push her. Try and build her confidence in any way you can.

I second that. Can you look at degrees with a foundation year? Sounds like it might suit her.

I'm from a country where toddlers walk around in cities by themselves, looking for food from bins...
many children are addicted to drugs (from a very young age, think 3/4 years old) as drugs are cheaper than food.

over 5000 children die every day simply of starvation

those of us that have a roof over our heads and food on our table are extremely lucky. and ultimately everyone has their challenges. even if your daughter has very few material success, if she is content in her life, that is the main thing. and contentment comes from inside. no matter how much someone has, comparing our situation with others only leads to unhappiness

Sorry for your loss.

May I recommend, Movers, Dreamers and Risk Takers by Kevin Roberts. It's an inspiring read on unlocking ADHDers talents and special apptitudes.

Beyond that, give it time and let her identify and follow her passions once she feels safe. In terms of ADHD, there is a general rule that her development is likely to be delayed, so her emotional coping skills may be closer to a young teenager, and that's without factoring in the impact of the bereavement. Hold on to the belief that as she has done really well to acheive those grades, once she finds her feet as a young adult, it will work out fine.

@tt9 what?! 3/4 year old addicted to drugs? Searching in bins for food? 😞 my heart 💔

I’m dyslexic, have ADHD, got mostly Cs and Ds but after A Level I flourished at uni. I think you did her a massive disservice by making her take a gap year. Gap years are for fun, to get experiences you won’t get anywhere else, they aren’t supposed to be fillers to waste time until uni and graduate employers no longer look favourably at these kinds of experiences unless there’s a real reason for them (eg saving for uni fees etc).

yes... my mum runs a school for homeless children. actually she said the youngest she came across who was using drugs was 1.5 years old - given to him by his older siblings/parents to make him quiet (from crying because he was hungry)

a lot of children are involved in sex work as well from a very young age. often forced to by their parents...