Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

That sounds awful, OP, and I can see why you don't want to force her out. I think if she is reacting so strongly and threatening to harm herself, some sort of counselling or other help from an expert is called for. I would speak to your GP.

How does she react to the idea of the supermarket job? Is it OK as long as she can stay at home, or does she resist that too? That might tell you if it is strongly focused on being able to stay at home, or being uncomfortable with change of any kind. If it's the former, it could be some kind of phobia.

I think you need to take the pressure off your dd for a year.
Encourage her to work but don’t suggest anything else.
Some people take longer to grow up than others. Is she an only dc?
She doesn’t sound very independent for 18.

Start from a small base with your daughter. Does she like children. Animals. People.
books. Hair makeup. If she has an interest in any thing she can try to get some experience leading to employment leading to training. I seem to be duplicating the post from midlife crash. She will find her way. I have worked with many university students who think they chose the wrong course . Life has many paths and if we take a wrong turn, we try another.

Because she doesn't want to, any mention of it results in tears, shouting, screaming etc. She's a home girl, hates change (even holidays are really stressful). She went away with her grandparents for a week last summer and had to be brought back on day two as she was miserable/crying etc. She isn't ready to leave home!!

That extreme - and needs further investigation of some sort.

I'd see how she gets on with retail it can be brutal but can help build confidence - would see though if you can keep some study going - OU/local college course as I'd worry as PP mentioned a year out out make it much harder to move on later.

Some of us love working in retail 😅

I work in Aldi.....2 young people who work there are on management courses, don't be so quick to dismiss supermarket jobs or your dds capabilities.

FWIW I love my job, yes, it's hard graft. But it pays well and they're really good about working around caring responsibilities and college courses etc.

It’s sad when our kids struggle through no fault of their own. I have 2 boys, the eldest has sailed through school and got top grades. His brother has ASD and sitting in a classroom is a struggle. They all find their own way and tbh I’m sure your daughter could get a good course with those grades if she wants to do Uni

She isn't independent at all.
She's been an 'only child' most of her life as our younger son passed away from cancer when he was 3 and DD was 7.

Sounds like she's perfect for some sort of satirical TV/Radion/Podcast show about t.v. - even if it doesn't make her money, might bring her out of her shell.

Apologies if I'm mistaken, but you seem to only respond to suggestions that you can easily bat away.

Not much help but if she has got B C C in A levels with dysphraxia, adhd and dyslexia i think thats an amazing result

Her A levels aren’t bad though! Really good in fact with those barriers to learning - sounds like she’s done brilliantly and could get a great place through clearing or reapply for next year.

My youngest brother got CCD in his a levels (compared to AAB and BBC for the other two of us). He earns by far the most out of the three of us and has a brilliant career, lives in California ans will be able to retire early very comfortably. I’ll be working til I’m 70 probably!

A level results aren’t the be all and end all

Sometimes I think we spend too much time worrying about what to do with our lives and worrying about what we don't have that we waste so much time and let it all pass by us and we don't embrace what we do have. That's not a slight at you by the way, as I include myself also.

I don’t usually comment on threads, but this one made me feel so angry I felt compelled to.
Your daughter, like many other people, has her personal struggles, but overall she has nothing standing in the way of her having a happy, fulfilling and successful life.
However, your causal disregard of the struggles of your niece (anorexia, perfectionism and anxiety), as though these are minor inconveniences in the grand scheme of things, shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy on your part. Had you experienced a close family member fight their way out of anorexia, deal with various accompanying conditions, and then work tirelessly to remain healthy on a hour by hour basis, perhaps you would be a little less envious.
That being said, I wish your daughter all the very best. Her A level grades are perfectly acceptable, and as others have said many young people take a while to work out what they want to do. Some kind of volunteering work alongside a gap year job will probably do wonders for her confidence, and help her make new friends.

Bless you, that's terrible for you all. Seriously, you both need some help to raise the bar.

@RamsesTheChub I'd love DD to try something like that, even if just as a hobby; but she doesn't seem overly interested. A family friend works in TV and she loves coming up with show ideas to send him but doesn't want to go down to London or Manchester to do any work experience with him.

FYI children are our mirror. What are you passionate about OP? Are you doing your favourite job? You’re fit and healthy? Perhaps you’re great at speaking other languages or playing piano? What can she learn from YOU? Are you the one to push past your comfort zone and find joy in the little things?

She isn't independent at all.

Well that what needs focus on - slow steps to get her independent - work should help there but lots of scaffolding also needs to be done - get her used to ideas of leaving - open days at uni - with those grades there will be options for her.

Or work towards something? I finished uni a bit at sea, I worked part time in a supermarket whilst staying with my parents to save up and travel. I then spent a month solo traveling around Europe with an interracial ticket. It really helped with my confidence and understanding of the real world (sort of!) I wish I had done it before going to uni.

She sounds a lot like my DS with ADHD in this later post - and I’d be delighted if he eventually got BCC at a level (he’s only 9 now so who knows what path he’ll take). Funny and kind aren’t to be sneezes at. He will also quote you whole TV show episodes…

Has she ever had any sort of grief counselling? I’m so sorry for your loss, it must have been extremely traumatic for your daughter.

Her reaction to the idea of leaving is extreme and I would be seriously worried about an underlying mental health problem.

I’m so sorry for your loss- and hers - OP

Apologies, have read posts in a random order

Have you looked at employer sponsored degree apprenticeships? I work for a water company and they provide everything from HR, to IT to civil engineering. Have a look at the local big companies and I imagine many will have similar schemes. She will get to earn whilst she learns (there will be no cost to her) and have industry experience on top of the degree when she finishes.

For now, she doesn't have to. The technology is there for her (you both together, initially perhaps) to create something of her own. Nowadays many people in media/entertainment start out in their bedrooms. Make it your project for a while if you need to and ask for her help, then let her take control because she realises she's good at it?

Wasn't the Adam and Joe show born of just 2 silly teenagers in one of theirs' bedroom with a camcorder? 30+ years on, it can be done.

This is good point, I have a mundane life but I love it, I'm a TA at the same school I've worked at since I was 22 (28 years). I love it. DH is a bus driver. We are actively involved in our local community, organising events and love our garden and dogs. But we are happy. If DD wanted to do anything (be that working in a shop or a neuroscientist) and would be happy doing it I'd be over the moon. I just want her to be happy.

How about another year or two living at home studying something else? Such as a language, or coding, counselling, anything really. Local colleges offer courses plus there are loads online. She sounds like she needs more growing up time.