Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

I think you daughter is actually doing okay and will probably be fine. I'm sorry for your less. I don't mean to sound rude but you sound very negative. I don't think it is helpful to compare your daughter to your nieces. They both have different struggles.

Yes I read it that you are not comparing the two girls at all, just comparing their different opportunities and the unfairness of it, you just want your daughter to have a great and happy life and that’s all any good parent would want.

Different children need different things.

Just being a support to her is a huge advantage to her, having a lovely mum who helped her discover all the things she didn’t like, that’s another major advantage!! Having a roof over her head and a happy home that she clearly loves the comfort of, that’s great too. You are doing everything as best you can for your daughter, and that’s all you can do.

Well done again for getting her through school.

OP my younger son is dyspraxic and passed his driving test and drives with no problem. Slight wrinkle - we live in the USA and everybody here drives automatics. It may be that your DD would learn more easily on an automatic. It requires a lot less co-ordination than a manual.

Everything isn’t stacked against her, she has a supportive mother who cares.

For what it’s worth, I had no idea what I wanted to do at that age, very few people do! I did a sociology degree and have somehow landed in a successful HR career.

Maybe look at apprenticeships in you location. Even if she doesn’t want to stick to it it’s a start.

https://www.findapprenticeship.service.gov.uk/apprenticeshipsearch?_ga=2.60175785.587824723.1694208397-777282430.1694208397

I was agreeing with you about your niece until you mentioned anorexia. Just that would make me not see her as having everything come easily to her.

Im sorry your DD struggles so much. She’s good at something. You just have to help gee figure it out. All the best, OP. I understand where you’re coming from

The one thing she HAS got is Loving parents who care enough about her to post it on mumsnet and ask for advice.
I can first hand tell you that categorically that is the MOST important key to her future success.
I had a lot going for me when I was young but I had useless parents who didn't care so I lost my way and it took me years to find my own way back.
What about a more practical course at college like hairdressing or animal care? Even if she doesn't use it, she will make new friends, find new interests, maybe friends to go on holiday with etc.
I'm not sure a gap year in retail will do her any favours, it will most likely get her used to earning £10 an hour and she'll be stuck there unless she has big goals for university in the future.

I think you are getting a rough ride here Op from people who don't really understand. Your dd sounds lovely, but not nueurotypical and I completely get that packing her off somewhere to 'gain confidence' just isn't going to work.

I have four (now adult) kids, and the eldest and youngest are basically your neice and your daughter. (but my DS2 does not have GCSEs let alone A levels)

Eldest.. super bright, tall, slim beautiful blonde, wanted to be a doctor, so stellar A levels , got her place at Med school... etc.

Youngest, ASD, dyspraxia,some learning difficulties, definitely never leaving home as could not live independently without a lot of support.

Eldest.. now a doctor. But along the way has battled anorexia on and off for over ten years. Hospitalised (in her own hospital) higly medicated for her anxiety. The anorexia will never REALLY leave... she's been in recovery for quite while now but it's always lurking.. she's a perfectionist. From the outside her life looks high flying, but the reality is different.

Youngest... working in a supermarket.. started doing just a few hours part time..and Mencap helped him get that! 7 years on.. he has SO much more confidence, is an incredibly good worker, trains others now (and he actually has quite significant special needs) and has more savings that the rest of us put together He is also treated brilliantly by the supermarket, who recognise that some things are tricky for him, and have been very supportive.. At home, he likes his computer games, and musicals and is content. With us. With his family, his safe space. He's 26 now and I can't see him going anywhere. And it's ok.

Going off to Uni sounds like it would not be right for your dd right now, and even local might be difficult if she doesn't have a passion for her subject. Working a little local job may well help her gain confidence while still feeling safe.

Of my two, I know which one is generally happier, and it's not been my high flyer, sadly!

I am sorry for your family’s loss OP xx

Totally disagree with the idea that retail would be bad for her.
My son has dyspraxia and autism, got a Christmas job as a temp in a well known sports shop and hasn't looked back, it's helped his confidence, self esteem and social circle immensely...
I'm more than happy for him to work in an average job as long as he's happy and earning...
She'll find her place 💕

@AllTheOdds My DD is ASD, struggled in school due to anxiety (and bullying, we had school refusal too), A-level grades lower than she needed for uni (she got in anyway), and a year ago wouldn't even go to the shop by herself.

Now a year on at Uni, she has a job, a boyfriend and living independently with friends. Was it hard to to get to this stage? Yes at times, absolutely with meltdowns etc, but I am very much of the mind that I need to get DD to acquire the skills to live independently even though she she is autistic and has high anxiety. She needs to build resilience, learning about herself as she grows and from that building confidence.

We talk all the time about things but I very much ask her to problem solve and support her to do so. She is open and honest about her needs regarding autism and is proud of what makes her different - and we celebrate that absolutely!

As for what she wants to do when she leaves Uni? Not a clue, it changes from month to month. But my word, she is out there, living life, gaining confidence and finding she CAN do things (with adjustments/support in some cases) rather than she can't. That lived, first hand experience is what is removing the fear, the anxiety.

I would suggest having an open and honest chat about how your DD will tackle anxiety and depression (with your support) so she can go and live life. I'd also discuss seeing the GP if necessary for further support and/or meds.

If one person can view you as perfect for who you are and overlook the things things that make you feel insecure - it’s your parents. You should be her biggest cheerleader! Please don’t describe your child as average.

Stop focusing so much on her negatives - shout from the roof tops her positives! She could be kind, loving, resilient, caring, motivated…..

If you as her mum, her biggest support network and most influential figure growing up confirm everything she herself feels insecure about, she will never feel otherwise.

Apologies if this is a stupid idea but what about finding her passion but with travel / exploring

eg
september volunteers at an animal dogs home - October weekend break in Prague. November volunteer with riding for the disabled and December - Paris etc and she travels with you.

BCC is very good and certainly good enough for uni.

not too thin and not too overweight sounds perfect to me!

I haven’t even read other comments because I wanted to come straight here with my own opinions.
my daughter also was different from the norm and I worried even though all the time in the back of my mind I knew she had so much more to offer than the normal expected achievements.
long story short she has excelled in her chosen choice of expertise and is thought very highly upon her peers..
Her road to happiness wasn’t easy and it certainly isn’t the same as friends kids but after struggling at Grammar School for not conforming and that’s about the teachers not her friends we are so proud of her.
There are many ways to be happy in life, I thought getting both my kids in to Grammar Schools was going to take Education off my worry list, if only I knew!!!

The key thing is her not wanting to leave home, and rejecting potential opportunities because of it. That really needs tackling. You can't build a passion for something (or someone) if you don't look beyond your own doorstep - it is much harder at least.

I fully appreciate she isn't ready to even contemplate moving out. But perhaps there is a way to help her get more independent. Could you start treating her like a co-adult in the house in terms of decision-making, get her fully involved in managing household finances, catering for dinner, etc.? Basically, teach her independence by stealth? Holding down a job, where she is responsible herself that she is on time, organised, etc. would help. So, to continue to be her cheerleader and offer emotional support, but less taking care of her in the practical sense?

I had a friend who sounded similar to your dd.
She took a year out, worked but also did fun courses offered by the local college, so anything that she vaguely liked the sound of, i remember nails, head massage and photography for example. They were all short courses and didn't cost much but really boosted her confidence. One of her random courses stuck and she ended up studying it properly.

This.

Your attitude may be what's holding her back here. Why can't she learn to drive? Move away for uni? Etc etc. You have an excuse for everything, if she need mental health support for anxiety then arrange some! And perhaps some for yourself to reframe

This. Being brought home crying at age 16/17 from a trip to grandparents is far from normal.

I think you need to explore why she's so reluctant to spend away from you / home? Perhaps she "doesn't know what to do" because she can't think of anything she wants that doesn't involve leaving you for a while. The bit about turning down work experience on a film set also stood out - she's not going to get anywhere if she can't put herself out even a little.

Are you ill / anxious? Does she worry about what will happen if she's not there? When did all this start? Did she go to cub camp / school residential / sleepovers etc? Some therapy could help her.

Cinema is such a good idea, all the staff seem to be young. I had friends who also worked at HMV but they are greatly reduced staff wise (except at Christmas).

Again talk to the departments. Grades are important but there is wiggle room for the right students. there might be a way in but if you don’t ask…

As the say, 'comparison is the thief of joy'. Your daughter will figure out what makes her happy and will find her way. Quite often doing a year of things you don't want to do helps you figure out what you do.

Op I honestly have no advice to give you and anything I did post may come across as insensitive. I have copied the post above as I think this is the best advice given on this thread you need to read it. Your daughter is lucky to have you and I wouldn't worry too much all you do is encourage her until she finds something she likes. Make her look into getting a job and when she gets it and it doesn't work out look for another. I would start with volunteering first it's in her time when she wants to and it's a nice introduction to work. My second daughter who also self harmed and was bullied at school gained a lot of confidence when she started work and started earning her own money. I was adamant she had to do something while she was studying her hairdressing she was only in one day a week. Now your daughter has finished her A Levels the last thing you want is her being idle at home she will drive herself and you crazy.

Please anything but retail ....
How about a foundation uni course ? Is it that bad at her age that she doesn't know what she wants to do ?
By the way you sound like a lovely mum ❤️ xxx

My friend at the same uni did a general studies degree - is that still a thing?

The thing is OP she needs to want to help herself. Sometimes that involves stepping out of your comfort zone. By that I don't necessarily mean leaving home but maybe having therapy or joining an evening class or doing things like that weekly shops etc alone. It's doing her a disservice to let her hide at home.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wee boy - I lost a very close child family member very suddenly at about the same age and tbh it affects me massively even now. I suffered separation anxiety for years too but leaving home was the making of me.

It's tough with the dyspraxia and dyslexia (my kids have these too) but I do think sometimes they need to be allowed to mess things up and learn how to fix them by themselves. I'm doing this with ds (16) not and it's really hard not to step in all the time.

Also your niece has nothing to do with this. I can tell you 100% she isn't magically cured from the anxiety and anxiety. Life isn't a competition and I grew up with my sister resenting my 'ease' at doing well at school / relationships etc. Now we are adults and barely speak because she can never just be happy for me and I can never go to her with a problem because she revels in me struggling. It is a horrible feeling.

Anorexia is generally triggered by trauma. Your niece hasnt had it easy either. She clearly hasn't breezed through life.

Your daughter has good a levels, is healthy, is close to her parents. There's plenty to celebrate