Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

BCC are good grades. Your daughter could go to your local Uni next year to study a degree. Unless your local Uni is Oxbridge.

At the nearest uni offering the course she wanted it was ABB

I’m sorry op but I do think you come across quite negative and wonder if this rubs off on your DD. Not deliberately of course. At some point she needs to push herself and focus on what she can do rather than what she can’t. Many people with dyspraxia can learn to drive, why couldn’t she be one of them. She needs to break these apron strings and get out in the world - she has to do it sometime - The worlds her oyster!

Do you think she feels she can't be away from home and you as an only child? That she is sort of trapped as a child? It probably feels like her safe space. It feels patronising to talk about your trauma but it must have been devastating for you all.

My advice would be to encourage her independence, the driving (she could drive an automatic), you establishing your life with your husband so it's not entwined. She may just need some more time for everything. My youngest is a very young 19. He attended an sen school (as did his older brother) and is just going into his second year at uni. I wasn't sure if he would stay. He hates being away from home and I am a single mum. I really bigged it up and planned all year (adding bits to a box gradually) Two of my sons have asd. It hasn't stopped them from thriving.

The extremes of her behaviour are worrying at her age. She should be able to vocalise that she doesn't want to go away without 'sobbing' for days on end. I wonder if you are caught up in the histrionics of it all rather than parenting. Sometimes tough love is needed although I understand why this might be hard. Do you think she will manage work? What do you think This will look like? Full or part time? You ferrying her?

She has to choose a different course or a Uni slightly further away

Your DD’s response to being away from
home is not “normal” for an 18 year old. Have you explored the reasons behind this string reaction?

It does sound like your DD needs a lot of support and her gap year could be the time to try and put it in place. She may not be asking for counselling but it sounds like she might need it.

And please stop comparing her to her cousin. Your DD and DN are their own people and both deserve to live their lives free from misconceptions about how easy their life is or how little they will achieve in life.

Honestly it sounds like your niece is ‘surface perfect’ but has a lot of problems.

These girls are so, so young. It’ll be different again in five to ten years. Please don’t constantly compare. Instead focus on how WELL your daughter has done considering any disadvantages. She has her whole life ahead of her and not knowing what she wants to do yet is actually very exciting :)

You are right to just take the pressure off for a year. Ask her to try for a job or an apprenticeship or anything at all just to keep her getting up and being involved in some kind of work. Make a flowchart of her options.

she has so much going on, I think you did an amazing job getting her to finish school at all. Well done. If she is calm and happy most of the time then you are doing great.

no way would she be able to live away from you, your gut feeling is right about that. She might be able to someday but not now. For now just be really proud that she finished school, and maybe consider getting an assessment for her in the next year.

All the very best.

Smart and funny are brilliant attributes! Has she ever had a Saturday/Summer job or done any volunteering? That would be a good idea to give her an idea of getting into the work routine. Im sure she will find what she loves and does she have any specific interests (e.g. working with children, animals etc).

OP I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. I’m wondering if this is the right space or whether relationships might be better if you want to carry on discussing. I am wondering how this affected you as a family and if it could be in any way connected with your daughter’s fear of leaving home? Also your fears for her future? I don’t want to speak out of turn, other posters have touched on grief counselling, only you know if this might help. I wish you both the very best.

I moved a long way away to university because my parents believed it was the 'right thing to do' and started a stop clock ticking down to when I would leave home when I was 11.

I ended up very miserable and having a series of appalling relationships, including an affair with a married man a decade older than me when I was 19.

Not every parent wants to pretend their children are ready to leave home and accrue thousands in debt, for their own convenience.

Please dont ever compare your DD with another relative. All my childhood I was unfavourably compared with my much prettier sister. I was a plain child who shot up into a gawky teenager. I grew up hating my sister and even now the relationship is very cool.

She will find her thing it just takes some people a while. Also BCC a levels are pretty good! I know people with Ds and Es who went to uni.

Her results aren’t disastrous and perhaps she could do a course which is not her first choice but will allow her to attend university and then she can branch from there ( I did)
Please don’t suggest your niece has it easy, anorexia is a debilitating and potentially life threatening mental health crisis. It’s not a minor issue.

Is an automatic an option? Mines learning automatic due to physical disability and her friend with suspected dyspraxia is too.

I know I would rather have your daughter than a daughter with anorexia which is a serious illness.

Please be grateful that your daughter is not seriously ill like your neice.

I’d also say BCC are good grades in tough subjects. I’d go to both local unis again for open days and go and look at all courses.

I can understand your niece's life may look perfect but as you point out it is actually far from that with a very serious mental illness. She will be struggling enormously.

When I've felt envious of someone I've always thought of the bigger picture of their life and there is always something difficult they will be struggling with.

Good luck to your daughter, there will be options for her and I'm sure she'll figure that out during her gap year.

Have you looked if your local council has any apprentice schemes or internships aimed at those with disabilities.

Your poor DD. I think she’s done amazingly well, those A level grades are pretty good and A levels aren’t easy. I know comparison can be the thief of joy when it comes to kids, I have an autistic just turned 19 year old who got 2 GCSEs, and is completely dependent on me. I watch her peers going off to uni and doing amazing things but do you know what, I wouldn’t swap her for the world. She is a fantastic person and I know she’ll get there in her own time. She’s currently selling her art on Etsy and doing a bit of volunteering to build her confidence. The best thing you could do for your daughter is give her a bit of breathing space to figure out her next move, and let her know that she is unconditionally loved and safe with you while she does that.

As someone who has recovered from anorexia I can tell you that niece has not had it easy and is not likely to ever have it easy.

your daughter has done a levels, achieved good grades and far more than the average 18 year old does. I think the problem is not with your daughter but you. You are making comparisons and that will have an affect on your daughter. Stop doing this and be grateful that she has achieved what she has, in spite of her difficulties. This makes her wonderful and gives so much promise for her future.

OP I say this with kindness as your daughter’s story sounds very much like my own; I had a terminally ill sibling growing up who we lost and it impacted my mum’s parenting in that she became very protective of me. As an adult, whilst I can understand why and understand my mum’s sadness I have such regret as I was never encouraged or pushed to travel or try something different.

When I was 30 I met my husband who had been pushed by his family to take a working gap year overseas and he took me travelling and broadened my horizons and on reflection, as much as I love my parents, I am quite resentful (and am ashamed by this as I know how my parents couldn’t help it, they were grieving for years and they felt they were doing the right thing). I am now determined to push my children to suck the marrowbone out of life (moved abroad - against my parent’s wishes, travelled extensively) I would urge you to encourage her as much as possible to live life to the full whilst she is young enough to truly enjoy it. You don’t want her to look back and feel cheated out of a childhood, which I am sad to say I do…

@VeryGoodVeryNice my eldest was In a similar position. Did a foundation year at our local uni and now has a degree in fine art.
They get there in their own way and in their own time.

@Stomacharmeleon thats great 😊. Yep it’s baby steps, I don’t put any pressure on her because she has massive anxieties about the future and what she will do, and feeling just too bloody autistic to manage anything. But a lot of it is a confidence issue, she’s got a lot of strengths that I can see, she just needs time to see them for herself. If she lives with me until she’s 40 then that’s fine, she’ll get there when she’s ready.

I'm sorry, OP. I think you've got a bit of a rough ride from posters who mean well but really aren't helping by suggesting you need to encourage your DD to leave home ASAP. It was one of my initial thoughts too, then I read about your son. I am so sorry for your loss. It's a completely different way of parenting that's required when you have a critically ill child; or when you've survived what you have. Things need to be done in a significantly gentler way and at a gentler pace.

A few thoughts...

Is it possible your daughter is depressed? The extreme reactions, the struggle to regulate her emotions, the fear of leaving you... I know you said you feel she is comfortable voicing when she needs therapy, but perhaps she can't see she may need some more help right now, or help of a different kind?

As for some of the things you've highlighted that worry you - it doesn't sound so bad to me. Her grades aren't amazing, but they aren't bad either. She's not skinny but nor is she fat. She doesn't have a burning passion...surely that describes most of us? Especially at 18? Things change as we get older.

The comparisons with your niece aren't helpful to you or your DD. Life IS shockingly unfair. There's no rhyme or reason to it and you've had a tougher time than many. Whilst a bit of envy and rage against the fucking awfulness of life is understandable, it's not going to change anything. I'd try to redirect your thoughts to positive small steps you can take to help your DD. If it were me, I would focus on building her confidence and independence, with the aim of her one day being more comfortable to, if not move away, at least be happy enough to live on her own or have a weekend away or cope with change.

I'd actually totally forget about Uni right now. It really doesn't sound right for your DD. Her choices are limited by her location, which she isn't capable of changing right now. So you need to identify baby steps that will broaden her choices. It doesn't even need to mean moving away. But it might mean working on ways to overcome her shyness so that she can at least work to support herself; or making sure she has sufficient basic life skills to cope if she did want to move out one day. This isn't going to happen overnight and it doesn't have to.

The right kind of job might help, even if it's difficult for her at first. What about working for an animal shelter or at a vet's office? Fewer people to deal with than on a supermarket register and possibly a more calming environment. Or an entry level office job?

I wish I had more concrete advice. That's why I think a talk with the right kind of external support might be helpful. Wishing you and your DD well, OP.