Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Where about are you? There are loads of films and media courses still
In clearing ...

@AllTheOdds I completely empathise, I have 2 daughters and can imagine how this situation makes you feel.
I hope this might ease your anxiety - I got much worse A level results than your daughter, I was going through a lot and didn’t achieve what I could have. I plodded along for a bit and eventually went back to Uni to do a Master degree in a different field. I did pretty well and then plodded through a few graduate entry level jobs.
Fast forward 15 years and I am a relatively high earner in a good, stable career. I am happy and have a wonderful family.
Your darling daughter will be just fine, it’s just a long road.

Aww, honey, I feel you!! your DD is an original. I have also had same struggles with my 2 boys. Now at the grand old age of 26 my eldest has got into Glasgow Uni after spending 8yrs in retail. Why doesn't she try for NHS, they have diverse roles!!!

I think your attitude needs to change here. Your daughter probably has some amazing qualities that you aren’t seeing and giving her any credit for. All you’re doing is knocking her down. Comparing her to someone who has anxiety and anorexia? Really? Anorexia is life threatening and horrific.

Also, I got average GCSE results and BCC at A Level. I didn’t get into my first choice uni but I got into another “lower ranked” one. I got a first class law degree and I’m proud of where I’ve got to in my life. You need to be in your daughter’s corner and cheering her on. Instead you just sound like you feel sorry for yourself.

As someone who employs graduates in the tech sector, I honestly don't care if they took a gap year. I do find that those who've worked a real job in the past often adjust quicker to working life, so from that point I'd see retail work as a positive.

Sympathy. It's very hard when you just want the best for them. Try this exercise: if you could picture your DD - happily - in 3 / 5 / 10 years time what might she be doing? Can you make micro steps to get there? It might take longer and be harder than it is for those with a so called easy life but a growth mindset says we can try.?

This sounds very hard and she does seem very immature for 18. We all grow at different rates and it sounds like she needs a bit more time.

as you can’t spread her wings by her moving out I think you need to ensure she is doing household chores - cooking a few times a week, washing, being responsible for some cleaning etc.

also make her independent with money so she learns the worth of working

to keep her brain going maybe see if she will do an evening class - photography or book club or a language or something. She doesn’t have to be good at it but it’s Good to expose yourself to other people and ideas

Wow. What a way to belittle life-threatening eating disorders and anxiety.

Are you setting a good example? Do you have hobbies, do you have dreams and goals? Do you enjoy your job?

Btw one of mine is similar. It just took him longer than his peers to reach that maturity level.

It didn’t matter that he wasn’t doing what others his age were doing because he’s not like everyone else. He’s better.

I think this is a case of "comparison is the thief of joy".

Just because your niece is outwardly talented and perfect doesn't mean she will always have such a charmed life. And it doesn't mean she isn't riddled with internal turmoil. Also later in life she might make terrible choices or be really unlucky.

Your daughter might develop a richer character through hardship and end up being happy with her lot more easily because it didn't come as easily.

I'm not saying that to wish harm on your niece, it's just that sounds a lot like me at that age. Beautiful, energetic, talented, successful. Then my mental health crashed and I dropped out of Oxbridge degree. I became an alcoholic.

I plugged away in a very difficult and stressful career and got sober.

But then my kids have both had severe mental health issues and we've all been to hell and back.

Life is a journey. Everyone has different stages of the journey. Some of my friends who were late starters did the best of all.

I know it's hard, but don't give up on your daughter. Love her for who she is. She may blossom, or may not. But she is individually herself in a unique way.

Hi OP, Firstly I’m really sorry for your loss and completely understand where you’re coming from even though it’s not necessarily logical.

Given that DD has had a rough few years of schooling I’d be tempted to make her resit a few key GCSE’s with the view that they’ll prepare her for choosing alternative A levels. I know it costs a lot but is there anyway she can be tutored? Even if it’s just one subject. Even one additional B might get her into a uni. She might not have done well because of confidence especially after such instability in her schooling. In a few years she might be more ready to move on to uni.

I know of three girls who did this, one had ADHD and one had her first episodes and had to be hospitalised. All three successfully completed uni and one has a PhD. Get a private ASD assessment. I know this is all expensive

First try to build her confidence as that’s everything and your trust, positivism and believe in her and compare it to noone.

maybe some therapy will help?

Neither of my parents went to uni, in fact they worked manual labour jobs when I was growing up. I hated school and got average grades. I also have ADHD. I did hair and beauty at college, after school, but didn’t want to pursue a career pursuing it. I am now in the top 1% of earners in the country (top 0.5% of female earners).

It’s a mindset thing. I am in control of my own destiny, and figuring out what I want to do. I am then in control of making it happen. You need to support and motivate your daughter and help build her confidence, not perpetuate a victim mentality.

I’d recommend that your daughter get a job working in a call centre during her gap year, rather than retail. Really sociable places, invest in training people and focus on social skill building. Also know that uni is not for everyone, and does not always lead to better paid jobs.

There will always be someone more beautiful, more wealthy , more successful, funnier, more outgoing, and so on, than you.
I’d suggest that you explain this to your daughter and that she needs to concentrate on her strengths and her own beauty and to concentrate on what she has — not on what she lacks.
I learned this early on and it made me infinitely happier.

Have you spoken to admissions and the department she wanted to study at? If she is set on it i would. They might ask for her to improve one of her A levels and she could retake it part time.

I think there’s nothing wrong with not going away at 18. I knew a few people who bounced back after a few weeks when there were far fewer opportunities and ended up doing nothing. I can’t see my own DD making it away at 18. Maybe a year or two later now.

If she gets a job make sure it’s sociable in some way, it will improve her confidence a lot. And part time study, depending on what the uni said.

My friends son had high grade a levels but has ended up doing a foundation because one grade was a B. No shame in it.

Your DD has done really well to achieve those grades with the challenges of Dyslexia and dyspraxia and ADHD. They are respectable grades for anyone and I am sure she could find a good place at uni, although if she doesn’t know what she wants to do then a gap year might not be a bad idea.

She should be encouraged not to compare herself to others though. She might find going away to uni is a great way to make new friends though and if she did a course that does not pigeon hole her to specific area then it could be the way forward.

What kind of life, career, attitudes to leaving home, education, hobbies, body image etc are you modelling for her, OP? And her dad, if he’s in her life?

It just strikes me that if she’s someone who doesn’t venture out of the home much then the role models she sees close at hand are extra important.

Tbh OP, I can understand your concerns, I think that when our children seem a little bit lost, that we worry for them, and now is a really pivotal time in your DDs life.

I've always been chubby, never had any special talents, never really found anything easy- I still don't but as I've got older, I've realised that if I strip myself back to basics, I am a good person, I'm a good listener, a good friend and a good parent. I have perfected the art of perseverance and will usually find a solution to any problem. I've gained skills throughout life that seem to lead to me being the "responsible" person around and I'm good in an emergency.

I have a teen myself who has some body confidence issues- she loves all the wrong foods and is quite tall, and carries a bit of weight. When she started talking about changing her body, we discussed at length what she envisioned for herself. She now has a good exercise routine- she likes weight lifting and is now more interested in gaining strength than losing weight.

We've supported DD into getting some hobbies, which have improved her confidence and made her feel that she has some natural talents. We have discussed a plan to get her driving as soon as she is old enough, as this will not only give her a semblance of independence but also, another skill that's usable in real life terms.

Is it possible for DD to resit exams if she isn't able to get into university with the grades she got?

I'd also just like to say, it sounds like your niece has/had some pretty severe MH issues to have dealt with anxiety and anorexia. So things will have not been plain sailing for her, it may seem it on the surface but she's probably spent her life just trying to be good enough to accept herself.

Your DD will get there, over the next year she can figure things out a little bit.
Many of us don't figure out what we want until we're in our 20s.

As a slightly overweight, dyspraxic, awkward person who is crap at sport, music and art and also got average GCSE and A level results, I can say it was really annoying when my mother repeated these 'failures' back to me. I have always been pretty content with my lot. I'd just be careful that you aren't projecting.

Anyway, I'm probably projecting your projection so I'd repeat the advice of don't do retail for a gap year - do some volunteering which involves caring. Travel somewhere easy. Even if you go with her rather than a friend - there's no law that it has to be another 18 year old!

She'll find her way. I was late to the party but I'm as happy as Larry.

BCC A level grades are good!
Being envious of a child with Anorexia is odd. Your dd sounds fine, let her develop in her own time. She's still young. I think this is more about your feelings than your daughters.

I'm surprised so few people are commenting on your lovely DD coping with her brother dying. That's a huge trauma

I'd advise slow and steady progress, at a pace she can handle x

Apologies OP; I read all your updates and it does sound difficult; if a retail is all she can do then go for it; it will help her grow up and give her mored tasks in the house

TBF someone has to be average-in fact many someone’s have to be average
if your DD doesn’t know what she wants to do, that is ok. She’s 18 with years ahead of her to make her mind up. Getting some real life experience working will stand her in good stead and increase her confidence

Do you live near a cinema or theatre? I think she would be better off working there than at a supermarket (although it is very customer facing in a similar way to retail at least she would be in an environment related to what she enjoys and if she got on she might be able to learn a lot about marketing, distribution etc) Cinemas actually have good links with people like Paramount U.K. and Disney in the U.K. Some cinema chains are fairly good at making reasonable adjustments for staff with ND or learning difficulties. Not sure about theatre. She would be much more likely to meet other young people there and with a similar interest to herself.