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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate parenting?

214 replies

StrongUsernameHere · 06/09/2023 15:06

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully.

I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2023 15:09

I guess you might - might- be glad when you look back at this time through rose tinted glasses that you had the time?

I don’t know - I didn’t do it because I was self employed and couldn’t take that long off either time, but often have regrets about it.

SillySausage21 · 06/09/2023 15:09

Op I ran to my first day back at work after mat leave and it was my dream to be a mum, but my child was an arsehole 😂 currently pregnant with number 2 & looking forward to this mat leave now I know what to expect.. being a first time parent and not loving every minute is something NOBODY prepares you for - but that's okay! Just find your people and stick with them is my advice! Always he honest about motherhood, you'll be surprised who feels the same and opens up to you! X

Sapphire387 · 06/09/2023 15:11

Do you really hate parenting or is it just that it is relentless? I really enjoyed being back at work after mat leave. I only went back PT but it was nice to have undisturbed lunches and loo breaks haha.

You are still a person, not just someone's mum. We are all different but plenty of women feel as you do, and it is fine to feel that way.

BallaiLuimni · 06/09/2023 15:11

Do you spend all day alone with her? Because that could be the issue. I stayed home with my two until the youngest was about 14 months - so about 3.5 years in total - but I very very rarely spent a whole day alone with them. I ran a toddler group twice a week, went to the park, visited friends etc etc. Too much time at home made it just awful - I don't know how parents did it during the pandemic.

MariaVT65 · 06/09/2023 15:14

You’re not alone. It’s perfectly normal and acceptable to crave adult conversation, or to be around someone who can at least communicate properly with you. Parenting can be very lonely.

I have a 2 year old and currently pregnant with my 2nd. I spent my first mat leave in lockdown so looking forward to it this time, but I absolutely live for company.

The toddler years are also a slog. My weekends are repetitive and boring - soft play and parks. However, I’ve never been into babies or toddlers and I’m looking forward to when my children are slightly older. Or will at least sit through a disney film with me!

InTheTreeHouse · 06/09/2023 15:14

Your child is here now so there’s no point thinking whether you should have had her or whether your cut out for it.

I loved being at home with my children but not everyone feels that way. I’ve read lots of posts like yours so no reason to think you’re the only one.

Eon · 06/09/2023 15:15

You're not alone OP. I feel like this sometimes and I am passed the baby stage.

Sidslaw · 06/09/2023 15:16

Different people enjoy different ages. I loved the baby stage, but struggled with 3 year olds - maybe you will excel at parenting that stage

Verymodestmouse · 06/09/2023 15:17

I hated maternity leave and parenting a baby. I was miserable.

I love hanging out my six year old now. He’s the coolest and I don’t get enough time with him.

baby years are really hard!

FoodFann · 06/09/2023 15:18

Thank you for your honesty OP.

My baby’s eating and sleeping schedule prevents me from going out or having much to look forward to each day, so we don’t get out much. Budget constraints play a part in this too. I absolutely love the one day a week my mum comes over and we spend all day together. Other than that, there are times where it is tedious, and I look forward to DD napping so I can have 45 mins to myself.

I am 9 months in, she’s been very mobile for 2 months now, and it is exhausting chasing around after her. We have a playpen, but I don’t like using it much. DH works 5am - 7pm, if not later. I am
alone with DD all of her waking time.

If we have another DC, I won’t be taking the full year, I think I’ll go back to work at about 6 months. I found that at that age, DD was starting to get bored of me and wanted other people to play with.

I do really love being a Mum, and I want more DC, but it is especially great when I have other adults with me to talk to and help me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/09/2023 15:23

People will be along shortly to reprimand you for feeling like this and some will inevitably say you’ll “never get the time back” (probably the most boneheaded phrase ever).

But the reality is that some people find looking after small children every day very hard. A lot of people miss adult company and the relative structure of a job or the intellectual challenges is brings. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. Some people love it, some don’t.

I enjoyed some aspects of mat leave and hated others. I missed my daughter when I went back but I didn’t miss the monotony of housekeeping and childcare being basically my only daily tasks. A lot of parents (myself included) found that having a job makes them enjoy their children more when they do see them.

If you are really struggling with your mental health or feel you have PND and can’t bond with your baby that’s a different matter. But being bored of FT childcare doesn’t make you a bad parent.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/09/2023 15:27

@FoodFann why does her eating/sleeping routine stop you going out?

MintJulia · 06/09/2023 15:31

Yanbu. I was lonely on Mat leave. Looking after one small, sleeping baby is dull. It certainly isn't difficult. I spent most of my year hiking with ds in a sling, which was lovely.

By 12 months, my ds was quite happy to explore the world at the childminder and I was happy to go back to work.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 06/09/2023 15:38

I've said this before and I always get moaned at...but, in my opinion, and it's just my personal opinion, the baby stage is the best bit.

They're easy to care for, they're portable and they stay where they're put and they have that beautiful baby smell.

Now, 4 and 5 year olds on the other hand are a whole different ball game.

Amwondering69 · 06/09/2023 15:43

The only way I remained sane was to go out and have a plan every single day . Meet friends,toddler groups, see my Mum very regularly,park ,trip to supermarket etc .
Loved my lot so much but baby/ toddler company 24/7 is mind numbing .
My daughter child was 3months old with lockdown and she moved in with us to stay sane .

Welcomer · 06/09/2023 15:47

YANBU. I only did six months mat leave (shared parental leave, DH did the second six months and I went back to work) and that was enough. I love DD but all day alone with a baby was very dull and lonely. It's totally different now she's six, and great company.

DuploTrain · 06/09/2023 15:50

I found mat leave lonely and boring. Babies aren’t very good company for me.

My DS is 2 now and is a delight. I actually enjoy spending my day off with him and he’s great company. Which was unimaginable for me back then.

So no, there’s nothing wrong with you… it’s fine to want a child but not particularly enjoy the baby phase.

Eon · 06/09/2023 16:01

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 06/09/2023 15:38

I've said this before and I always get moaned at...but, in my opinion, and it's just my personal opinion, the baby stage is the best bit.

They're easy to care for, they're portable and they stay where they're put and they have that beautiful baby smell.

Now, 4 and 5 year olds on the other hand are a whole different ball game.

I also found the baby stage to be the easiest.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 16:02

Mums only like parenting if they have support- physical, emotional, practical, financial. Doing it all alone is too much

MinnieTruck · 06/09/2023 16:05

Calling your baby an arsehole is wild

Coyoacan · 06/09/2023 16:06

The child is often fine, it's being stuck at home that doesn't suit everyone

Gowlett · 06/09/2023 16:11

I loved being at home with my baby, even tough it was very hard. And just us, as it was lockdown. Now he’s a three year old & I’m back at work, but it’s much harder! It’s different for everyone.

whoruntheworldgirls · 06/09/2023 16:17

I went back after 9 months OP, i was so bored and missed the adult environment. I love my daughter more than anything but i can't be with her all the time, i need adult time. She's 7 now, we have an amazing relationship and enjoy our weekends/holidays together as it's real quality time.

SillySausage21 · 06/09/2023 16:21

MinnieTruck · 06/09/2023 16:05

Calling your baby an arsehole is wild

Sorry for calling my child an arsehole mother Theresa 👍🏽

Pooheadbumbum · 06/09/2023 16:25

I have 4 DC and I absolutely agree with the pp who said parenting is only really enjoyable if you have the ability to spread the load.

By this I mean, be able to visit friends/parents/relatives or have them visit you.

I don’t have this as none of my friends have young children anymore and I’m not close to my family. It’s incredibly lonely and boring.

Young children and babies completely dominate a household, even where there are older children.

I can completely agree with you OP.